Saturday, November 8, 2014

New beginnings

Dear readers,
This will be my last post on this blog site.  I am eagerly anticipating creating a new blog in the near future though.  I've grown and received much healing through my entries here.  I love reading from the beginning and soaking in the goodness of change.  As my life begins a new season, I hope my writings will continue to contribute to my own healing as well as the healing of other hearts.  I love taking the journey together.
Tomorrow is my fifth birthday!  My fifth life celebration anniversary since the big ole' stroke.  I am not defined by that big ole' stroke but like all momentous life occasions, it has contributed to the shaping of me. 
I have determined that I will be embracing tomorrow with a heart of joy and celebration.  After all, it is a privilege to be alive and every moment deserves an honor of it's own.  I had also determined that this entire weekend would be met with a spirit of joy from me, I'm sad to report that's not what went down.
I have spent today hosting a tearful pity party...the guest of honor is ME!  Most of the sadness has been a result on my dwelling of what we do NOT have, what we do NOT know, why the odds are stacked against us, why my hopefulness is futile, why I should feel ashamed or scared or (insert whatever negative feeling you focus on here an inflate it X100.)  It has been a rough day full of inner turmoil for me.  So that I would not be alone, I pulled every other person I was around today right down with me.  Awesomeness....not.
I wanted to feel and be brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical, whole and surrendered today.  Instead I felt and behaved fearful, ashamed, distant from God, pitiful, doldrummy, broken and controlling, out of balance for sure. 

It's hard for me to surrender when my grip on the negative is so tight.  I'm singing myself the UH OH song right now. 

I'm going to snuggle in with Nathan, ask God to send his angels to sing over us tonight and pray for a joyful attitude and a good dose of self grace...and a night of sweet slumber.  I need the rest...tomorrow is my birthday!

God bless!


Friday, October 17, 2014

I took a deep breath and I am letting go....

Tonight I write with a heart that is caught between the acceptance of liberation from trash in my past and a stubborn refusal to fully relinquish control.

In my post just prior to this one, I mentioned that I had stood silent for the past 10 months as another woman, uninvited, had infiltrated her way into my safe and sacred places.  I went on to convey a portion of the hell I have been put through at her hand, still, without violating her privacy and her healing process.  The disregard for my heart, for my spouses heart and for my family continued soon after as I recieved a nasty email or two from this woman less than 24 hours after I made my blog post.  

This leads to my current struggle.  I can choose to absolutely accept the opportunity to liberate myself from her injustice, if I hold to my forgiveness.  This means cutting all ties that bind.  This means I will not be tempted to look at the nasty one sided truth in her blog.  This means when thoughts of her come to my mind, I will pray them away, journal, walk, or talk to a trusted friend.  This means that I will see her for what she has been in my life, I will turn my back on what that has been was and I will move intentionally forward to the purpose God has made for me. This means if she continues to make her way methodically into our lives, I will seek the legal action I perhaps would've been wise to do in the past. IF I choose freedom, I will also be choosing to relinquish any false sense of control over her actions.  Those will be between she and her God.  Surrender.  Restoration.  Worth way more than my unwillingness to let go.

The past two years have been tough yet full of value.  I have learned that life is tough and I am tougher.  I have learned that I really CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I have been reminded that I AM a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical woman who is whole and surrendered, bathing in  the warmth of God's sunshine.  I AM because He is in me and He that is in me is greater than he (she) that is in the world.  I have learned that there truly is a thief who comes only to kill, steal and destroy and that this thief often comes dressed in sheeps clothing.  I have learned (real life training) that I must manage life or it will manage me.

My strongest desire is to live the love that God is.  I want to have a marriage that is more beautiful than even 'the best two years' Nathan and I have ever had.  I love my husband and my refusal to cut myself loose from the past is holding us back.  I'm all in.  I want to be all in.  My actions must match my wants. Nathan is all in.  Nathan wants to be all in.  We are worth every ounce of hard as our amazing children.  It's simple yet so complex, letting go of another's hurtful behavior is an immediate must for me.  Some people just don't get it, and if they get it they do not care.  Line in the sand drawn.  The devil deserves none of my time and energy, no matter the form he shows up in.

I am holding tight to these REAL TRUTHS....

"You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk."

"Sometimes you have to let go and be FREE."

"Letting go means trading something that's not working for freedom, and for the possibility of receiving something in the future that really, truly, does.  Let go of emotions, relationships, and situations that you know are not allowing you to be happy."  -Doe Zantamata

"Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but NOT a part of your destiny."  -Steve Maraboli

"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten."  Joel 2:25

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say this to the mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you."  Matthew 17:20

"The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One, says this: 'I live in the hight and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.  I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts."  Isaiah 57:15

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Let go or be dragged

Good morning all!

These are the last moments I have with my Momma's computer before I must return it to her.  I have spent the greater part of the morning on it paying bills...or making arrangements to prevent anything from being cut off!  She has graciously given me the gift of borrowing her computer for over a week now and it has been my intention since day one to blog.  We see what happened with that.  :(

 I won't count it as a complete loss because daily my children have used this brilliant masterpiece of technology to complete homework and engage in a little gaming.  In this day and age, it is NOT FUN to be without a home computer.  Blech.  Guess what though?  We will survive until the day we have one again.  Maybe I should start a gofundme account for this purpose, ha!

There have been an incredible lot of things going on these past days and I currently don't know where I am headed with my writing this morning, I only know I MUST write now.  We shall see where my heart leads....

I have spent a bit too much time dwelling on unpleasantries, that seems to be my struggle as of late. I want to let go.  I want to surrender it to God.  Yet, I find myself really kind of angry, really pissed, at certain circumstances.  Resentful.  Resent brings ick, nothing but pure unproductive ick.  So, I ask myself the hard questions.  What is it costing me to hang on to the anger?  What am I missing out on by holding on to ick?  Even harder, what am I winning for myself or what is the pay off for not letting go? is costing me the fullness of joy in the moment to hang on to the anger.  I am missing out on what is now by continuing to carry bits and pieces of the past into today.  What am I winning?  What is the reward?  There is a very immature part of me that refuses to fully trust.  I refuse to fully forgive myself or another.  That way....just in case things don't turn out right....well, I have an out.  I 'knew' it would end up like that anyway.  I surround myself with  invisible walls that serve as false senses of security.

I really dislike each and every one of these answers.  I know they are a gift though for without the heart's insight, how does one grow?  We don't.  We stay stagnant and stagnant is not where I want to be.

It is a challenge to continuously rise above the actions of another.  After many prayers, hard conversations with wise friends and intimate honesty with myself, I have come to this conclusion.... Rising above is definately not always the easier path and it not even always the 'right' path.  Maybe the lesson for me is that rising above doesn't always have to be in regard to actions of another.

Perhaps rising above means to rise above my own actions.  What if it means to go beyond what I would usually respond with , stretch out of my comfort zone of being the sweet, nice girl and stand up for myself and for who I am?  Could rising above mean elevating myself to a new level of confidence that has nothing to do with another, and everything to do with me?  I believe so, and this is why I am going to share my next thoughts...

I have stood silent for the past 10 months as another woman, uninvited, has infiltrated her way into my sacred and safe places.  She had found her way into my marriage.  She went to great lengths to befriend me on facebook, TWICE, under the names of false characters she had created.  She investigated me enough to understand what pinged my heart and to use that knowledge to gain my friendship online.  She went through a training that my husband and I have been very engaged in and she has made heart connections with those who know my heart and my husband's heart.  She has publically stated my name and my husbands name as she freely blogged about us and her experience.  She has tagged my nieces in pictures that showed her involvement in my marriage on social media.  She continues to blog of some of this, even using direct quotes from a conversation we had.

OH MY GOSH!  This hurts.  All of this hurts.  I have chosen the 'higher path.'.  I have accepted that she is a child of God, just like me, and that HE wants to be reconciled to ALL of his children. I have given grace, I choose to forgive daily, I do not state her name or comment on her blog or notify her innocent children of the past.  I am not perfect, I am no martyr.  I mess up ALOT.   I am a work in progress.  I am a work in progress who wants desperately to be left alone to heal our marriage and our family without continued threat and involvement from this woman....she knows who she is. God knows who she is.  It is hard to let go when I am consistently being held on to.

"Let go or be dragged" to let go when she won't?  Enough is enough.

Friday, September 5, 2014


    • "Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."  -Kahlil Gibran

Today, my 42nd has been a supremely lovely day.  I have been surrounded with all that I love.  Family, friendship, children, animals, flowers, delicious food, books, a bubble bath, snuggles, naps, a walk, meaningful heartfelt words, faith, zestiness, gentleness and so much more have adorned me today.  Certainly I celebrate 42 years.  42 years filled with life...not always easy, not always pretty....always filled with love and always held in my Savior's arms.  I am grateful.

I started receiving texts and emails last night wishing me a happy birthday celebration.  I am already like a little kid with birthdays....I think they are a BIG DEAL and I really love recognizing them as such.

This morning began with waking John by singing Happy Birthday to Me in an off key, scratchy morning voice.  I can still make my 13 year old smile....something to cherish. 

I walked John to school and continued with my own morning walk, talk with and listen to God.  Seeing the morning sky brings me tremendous comfort always.  Good times.  Some of the holiest times in my life occur during my walk; great inspiration to keep it up.

While I walked, my Momma and my sister Beth called to serenade me with the Happy Birthday song.  I sure miss my Daddy singing on that call but Beth and Mom make a pretty awesome duet.  

I arrived home to the hottest husband in town (my husband) and to 9 year old Stella...the brightest ray of sunshine in my world.  I got to have time to help her through her homework, chat with Nathan a bit and enjoy a little coffee.

I had a few moments to get ready for work and really consider how much of a miracle it is that I am here.  Actually, how much of a miracle life is for any of us and how precious it is.  Knowing that not in a way that makes me fearful of losing it (life), but knowing that in a way that makes me want to live it fully and be thankful in every single moment, every season.  EVERY SEASON.

I walked into Mrs. Mitchell's classroom to the sound of the sweetest kindergarten class singing Happy Birthday to Mrs. T (that's me) and then found myself in the middle of their group hug.  Each of them had made me a card and Mrs. Mitchell had hung a Happy Birthday sign in the room.  My heart was so touched by their kindness.  

We had a little Gingerbread Boy visit our classroom today and he had run away, so as a class we went on a school tour following clues to find him.  Watching the faces of the children...pure joy.  Watching Mrs. Mitchell engage with them as they looked for the Gingerbread Boy...magical.  These simple moments filled my heart with happy!

I received flowers at work from one of my dearest friends, Michelle.  Flowers are life.  I love them.  I love them even more when a friend I love like a sister surprises me with them.  love love love lovely.

I received an awesome picture from Mrs. Mitchell.  It says..."Faith is when you close your eyes and open your heart."  We have worked together for not even three full weeks now but I am so excited to work together this year.  She is an amazing teacher and I see a fabulous friendship in the making.  I love knowing that she already knew I would find so much value in this gift.

I took Stella home from school a little early...cuz' it's my birthday.  We went to visit Beth and see how she is feeling and then we went to pick up John.  Then...home for a nap.  It was supposed to be 20 minutes or so and I crashed for nearly 3 hours...refreshing!

Nathan and the kiddos presented me with "Wonder" and "365 days of Wonder". I have been looking forward to reading these!  A card filled with loving wishes, a scarf for fall and new earbuds too...I feel spoiled.  

Went to see my Momma, (Beth and Auntie were there too) have to see your Momma on your birthday if she is on this earth and it's feasible...because she's your Momma!  I'm extra lucky because my Momma is also my friend, my encourager, my strength and she let me live inside her body for 9 she lets me reside in her heart, mind and life.

John opted to go to a football game with friend's tonight.  Hard to release that rope a little, but I must.  I hope he is having a grand time, truly.  I enjoyed spending the rest of the evening with Stella and Nathan...I still missed my young man.

Nathan, Stella and I went to see my Daddy at his memory center.  I figured even if he doesn't know me today, I know him.  I know he is my Daddy and has a great deal to do with the fact that I am here for my 42nd birthday.  We shared lots of hugs, lots of I love you's and lots of singing Happy Birthday and You are My Sunshine.  We visited with all the residents because they have all become precious to us.  I don't think he knew us alot of tonight...he did know we were familiar I believe.  He told Stella and I how beautiful we were and he told Nathan how lucky he was to have these beautiful women in his life.  A worthy visit.  

Last, we went to Sushi favorite sushi ever.  YUM.  A treat.  An extremely yummy treat.  Saw a family there that I knew from my preschool them.  

In every phone calls, every text, every email and fb post...every hug, card, kind word, smile, I have been loved.  From every corner and in every moment today I have been reminded of what a wonderful life this is.  My focus has been constantly been turned to the blessings that make my world rich.  From all directions I have seen, I have heard and I have felt that I MATTER.  What a gift this day has been.

Home now...
Stella sleeps beside me.
John is home and covering me with hugs.
Nathan and I share intimate conversation about simple things that are
Rusty snores, Maple stills, Froggy meows and Toby licks his eyeballs.
God is so present.
This is my world.
I am loved.  I love.  Love wins.  A beautiful birthday.

  • "Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."  -Kahlil Gibran

My heart is well lit with a radiant brightness.  Thank you Jesus for all.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

A struggle kind of evening

I am feeling these tonight....

shame, distrust in myself, sadness, guilt, fear, worries, doubt, anger, a lack of hope.....all of these.

 I believe feelings can lie and so I am working hard to exchange the shame and distrust for confidence; the guilt for forgiveness; the sadness for joy; the fear, worries and doubt for trust; the anger with compassion and the lack of hope with the faith that my God has big, bold, beautiful plans for me.

I am at the same choicepoint I often find myself loving others through. I know this place personally as well.  Can I acknowledge all of these ick feelings and allow myself to feel the weight of them for a moment and then LET GO so I may move forward?  I can...sure.  Will I?  Perhaps I should linger in the suckiness for a little while and fight what I am feeling...stuff it down or mask it.  Choicepoint.  Since I have learned the hard way that the latter never leads to a place of peace, I am going to focus on the first option.  I'm even going to openly write about it here in the gentle hope that I will find relief in sharing with an authentic, open heart and another will find an "I'm not alone" comfort in reading.

I quit my full time job (that I loved) at the beginning of this summer.  I felt so strongly that God was leading me in that direction and my heart knew it was best for my family and I.  I didn't know what was next and I kind of still don't.  I had big plans to sell meals and baked goods as well as provide childcare this summer.  I accomplished maybe a quarter of what I had 'planned'.  This means we were back to being a one income family for the summer.  Quite honestly, we had not budgeted at all for this change.

Instead of carrying out all of my plans, I focused on the healing of my heart, on loving my parents, on the recovery of our family and on letting God and everyone else love us. It's been tough at times, nonetheless,  we are traveling down a healtier road in our marriage and as a family and there is nothing more worthwhile than that healing is right now.  Thus, the result in that area is priceless and a God gift.

That said, tonight this flood of negative emotions is an outcome of the stress I am experiencing because of the choice I made in trust to quit working full time.  Honestly, although I quit in trust and I did not naively think everything would come easy, my plans to help us through didn't happen and we have struggled.  We have had help and I despise that at 42 years of age we need help.  I have conversations with myself about resuming full time work, yet in my heart there is no peace in that option.  I believe that our son needs me home for the hour he is out of school before our daughter gets home.  I believe that I need afternoons to help my parents however I can and to take care of our home.  I know we are fragile and still in recovery mode.  I know my part time job at the school is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.  I love the students, my coworkers, friends...every bit of it.  I also know that if we can't pay our bills it's not a great thing.

I know God has this covered but I feel an incredible amount of trepidation about what I am supposed to do now.  I am also having such trouble with forgiveness and letting go when it comes to our mortgage loan (where a huge chunk of our income goes every month).  This is so hard because we are here every day to see the chaotic environment, the damage done to our home, the work that remains to be done and corrections that need made.  A very personal struggle to me.

I have a load of guilt for daring to complain about any of this.  I wonder if I am grieving God's spirit with my whining.  Why do I have such a lack of success at letting go of everything?  I have practiced surrender over and over and over again.  I guess I'm gonna have to practice it some more, probably for a lifetime.

Last week, one of my kindergarten friends showed me the picture he drew.  I asked him to tell me about it.  He said, "it shows how rich my family is,  we have diamonds, new cars, lots of jewelry and fancy furniture."  I acknowledged his hard work and told him that my family was rich as well, but in different ways.  I said, "we have love, joy, faith, trust, compasstion and fun."  I truly believe that and know we are a privileged people.

It is an honor to live this life, this I know, yet in my humanness I struggle.  I don't want a magic wand, I am willing to work HARD.  Truly, right now I want my Daddy's assurance that everything will work out.  I want my Momma to not worry about us.  I want to know with peace and confidence that everything will be okay...that it IS okay already.  I want that....yesterday.  :)

There it current struggle.  I would love you to cover our family in prayers.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

My hearts prayer


Dearest God,

I give you this school year.  I give you these times.  They seem so very daunting.  I know there is so much more to be done and only one of me.  My notions of what I can accomplish in two days are unrealistic and it is my human inclination to pile one task upon another until I am so overwhelmed there will not be success no matter how much I do.  So, Lord, can I just give my time to you?  I will be the hands and feet if you will just direct my path.  Can you help me still my busy mind and will you please grant peace to my chaotic heart?

I give you my babies....John and Stella...okay, I give you your babies and I thank you for the gift they are in my life.  The smiles, the laughter, the sunshine, the screaming, the tears, the attitudes, the scared feelings that I get when I think I am ruining them, the sacred souls that they are....I hand them back to you.  Please cover them with your love and God, please, please let them walk in the light.  I ask that you surround them with those who know you until they are strong in their faith...and then let them surround those that need to know you.  These children, they teach me so much more about life and myself than I ever knew; help me be the best Momma to them I can be.  Help me help them love you.

I give you my beautiful nieces and nephews....the originals and the greats.  They have blessed my life and they make it richer every day.  Walk with them, hold them when they need held and let them see you BIG.  These are my first and last babies God, and I treasure them and thank you for them daily.
They are young people, some with old souls, some fresh and innocent, some with hurting and wounded hearts.  Care for them and show them how to care for others as you would.

I give you my brothers and my sisters.  These people that I share the greatest similarities and the greatest differences with make my world a better place.  They have known my joys and my sorrows, and I have known theirs.  Let us love each other fully, know each other deeply and remain united always.  I love these precious hearts and am grateful for all they have taught/teach me.  There is no love like theirs.

I pray for my Auntie.  I love her very much.  She always knows when a heart is hurting and I know her own heart has ached since my Uncle died.  I don't even know what to ask God.  Hold her always, love her earnestly.  Surround her with love, always.

I give you my precious Momma and sweet Daddy.  Help me care for them as they have cared for me. Help me treat them with the dignity and respect that they truly deserve.  Sometimes, I am tired and my Momma especially gets the icky of me, help me work on that.  God, these times are tough.  I need to know that you are holding my Daddy in your arms through his disease and that you are loving my Momma in the most beautiful of ways.  Show my Momma her beauty and strength.  Help her know how much she is cherished by us and by you.

I give you my marriage.  You know God, this one is tough.  Last year was ugly and now you are blessing us with the restoration I prayed for.  Let us help continue rebuilding and help us be that couple that truly can say how much stronger we were after the infidelity.  I love Nathan.  He is my heart.  Help me unclench my fists and hand him over to you.  (Funny...I know you already have him, so my holding on is useless).  Pursue his heart in a way that he knows with his eyes, with his ears, with his heart and with his feelings that YOU ARE REAL and that you always have and always will love him. Help me trust, help me let go and let YOU!   God, I know you have a plan for us and I trust we didn't go through muck for nothing.  Let us be the light.  Let us tell our story where it counts.  Let us be your vessels of healing.  Please.

I give you my friends and I give you my non friends.  I mention them together because I know we are all your kids and you love us all the same.  I thank you for each of their presences in my life.  Even when I wished they weren't ever in my life, you had a purpose and for that I will be forever thankful.  Help me be a friend who very clearly is walking with you God, and help me show others your love, light and joy.  For my non friends.....frenemies.....enemies.....they are your treasure too God.  Help me remember that everyone deserves to be reconciled to you, this does not equate with me having to reconcile with everyone.  Help me live out forgiveness, mercy and grace and help me ask for it when I need it.

Lastly God, I give you those walking in your light and joy.  That they may be thankful for you always.  I pray for those hurting and wounded hearts that feel like there is no hope.  Show them hope God, show them love.

Thank you for listening God.  Thank you for loving me.  It's ALL in your hands.

In Jesus name I gratefully pray,



Monday, August 4, 2014

My heart's journey, this morning....

I have spent the last few days grumpy, sad, burdened and at a loss for what to do.  Our dear friends lost their precious 18 year old son this week.  Christian took his own life on July 31, 2014, also the 27 year anniversary of my brother Brent's death.  A painful day and somehow still, a day to rejoice.  Rejoice not in death, of course.  Death stings and leaves us with an inexplicable void.  The rejoice is in the celebration of the life had for a season and in the life that is to come.  However, right now, we are all in pain, it's the heartbreak that overwhelms and the new reality that stings.  There are other things making my heart sad, but in no way do they compare.

 I find as life overwhelms and as I begin to grip (opposite of letting go) everything painful again, my connection with God becomes distant.  Certainly not severed, though there have been times I have felt that too.  Just distant.  The opposite of whole...broken.  The opposite of surrendered... controlling.  The opposite of brave...retreating.  The opposite of truly happy....mask wearing.  The opposite of whimsical...oppressed and tight.  The opposite of worthy...self hatred.  The opposite of loved by God...the lies Satan feeds my tired human self.  The opposite of basking in God's sunshine...bathing in the darkness.  Get it?  A pretty solemn picture.

My heart feels broken when I think of Christian and how his heart mustv'e felt during his last days and hours on earth.  I wonder how deep was his sense of hoplessness and despair?  I wonder if he thought that the life of others would somehow be better without his presence.  And, oh, how I desperately wish I, we, anyone could've been the light for him, the hope, the love.  I don't know if he would've allowed that.  Then there is the guilt along with countless unanswered questions.  As I discovered on my walk this morning, at least for me, there is also a little anger and resentment toward God (maybe even a whole lot).

 I love Christian.  I have loved him since he was in his Momma's tummy.  My favorite memory of him is when we went to visit them in Dallas many moons ago.  Christian was about two.  We were outside and he was wearing a black leather jacket and jeans.  He was full of toddler energy, feisty and affectionate with the best giggle.  We blew bubbles for what seemed like forever.  He giggled the whole time (except when he spat on one of us...some of us still giggled)!  He was joyful and free and I believe that he is joyful and free now....but I miss him.  I wonder why this isn't one of the times when God chose to swoosh in and save the save Christian.  I wondered why He didn't do this the whole last year as well.  He didn't though, and that's that.

I love/hate Romans 8:28,  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  I love it because I know I can 100% stand on God's promise that there will be good, and I know nothing is wasted.  I hate it because no where does it say that God and I will have the same idea of good nor does He promise to give me all my requested answers.  So God didn't allow things to happen in a way that I think I would think is best...but again, he's got the panoramic view and I have the snapshot.  He is God, I am not.

I know His love remains steady in joy and in pain.  I picture Christian right now as little boy Christian in the black leather jacket blowing bubbles and giggling.....with God....with angels....with his grandparents and his little sister Trinity.  I am pretty certain God wept when Christian wept, that he weeps with those hurting now and that he will rejoice with us when we rejoice.

The time I used to spend on daily walks was a special time of connection for me and God.  Since these walks were times of connections and I have totally avoided them for a good solid year, it makes sense that my closeness with God feels a bit fizzled.  I mean, He is here.  We chat all day and sometimes all night long.  I don't do a whole lot of being still and I sure don't do much listening.  I am determined to care for myself and the most significant part of that is making time for God and I and our walks a priority.  This morning, I begrudgingly put my tennis shoes on right after I brushed my teeth...and a bra.  That's about it.  The pajamas and the attitude remained.  I grabbed ear plugs, my phone and headed out into the already humid morning.

Ten minutes.  That's it.  I only had to walk 10's a start.  I walked slowly at first, my head swarming with lists and lists of to do's and should have dones.  The sun was pretty and peeking from behind the trees, but it was HOT!  (Did I mention sweating is not my thing?)  Nothing in the worship music I heard really caught my attention.  (Bear with me, because the post is way less about me and way more about God and sweet Christian).  As I walked, some of the words to songs begin to seep in, until the song about putting my trust in Jesus came on.  The tears began to flow and I let God know how angry I was, how sad, and how messed up this is.  I prayed for everyone, including me....I could feel a small wall I was keeping up between God and I.  I asked Him how in the world I was supposed to put my trust in someone who allows this to happen.  God didn't reach down and scoop me up out of the pain, he didn't yell at me for being angry, he didn't stop my tears....nothing.  I heard nothing, and then I knew...time to shhhh.  So I walked, and I cried and the Holy Spirit began to fill my grumpy heart with something close to joy...coming in gentle waves, warming my heart and softenining my borders.  I stopped trying to ask question, I stopped talking, I just soaked in the lovlieness I could feel.

I was going to head back home but I felt one more round would be nice and maybe a song would come on that would be medicine to my heart.  (I had not looked at the clock once, that alone tells me I was entering a place of God and Sarah time).  I asked God to reveal himself to me because I was really needing him.  (It's more like asking him to help me open the eyes of my heart, to surrender and feel Him, for He never left me in at all.)

As I turned to make another loop, the song "I'll fly away" came on.  This song is immensely special to me on many levels.  I laughed out loud.  I held my hands out like wings and I closed my eyes, spinning and imagining I was flying.  (No neighbor called the police on me, for this I am thankful).  Christian was on my heart this whole time, joyful, free, smiling.  When I opened my eyes and turned around, I was standing in rays of sunshine beaming down.  Rusty (our golden retriever) and Maple (our special girl) had spotted me from a block away and were running, running, running toward me.  I bent down and called them by name.  They practically knocked me over because they were so happy to see me.  (nevermind that I had seen them less than an hour before).  Christian, again in my heart....I thought of God welcoming him with the most beautiful joy Christian had ever experienced.  I thought of Christian running, running, running toward God for an embrace from his heavenly father that he had been waiting for his whole life.  My heart smiled and gave thanks for the way God spoke to it this morning.

Please pray for Christian's sweet and hurting family and friends.  This pain is deep.  So deep.  There has been a fund set up for Christian, this will cover funeral and burial expenses, medical bills and whatever else is needed at this time.  If you go to, donations can me made.  I'm sure every little bit helps.

God bless.


p.s.  Nathan had posted the following bro tip on his fb wall the night before Christian says
"If only for a second, stop and appreciate the fact that you're alive."

So true.