Happy Easter 2014! These last couple of weeks have wreaked havoc on my actions, but alas...my intentions have been beautiful. Forgive me if my writing is scattered, that is just a mirror to my life right now. :) Although this post is not concentrated on gratitude, I just want to emphasize how much I have realized how blessed I am to have such support from loving friends and family. My dear siblings and my Momma....not enough words in the human language to express how much they hold my heart together when it is broken. So thankful.
Yesterday, I took John with me to the Jenks Herb and Garden festival. He fussed the entire way there and the first 20 minutes. This is John's typical response in unfamiliar situations. After a bit, he shared, "Momma, don't say I told you so, but this is a lot more fun than I thought it would be." Victory! We got some awesome plants and seeds, saw lots of cool dogs and ran into many friends.
This year the kids each get their own garden box and John chose to plant watermelon and a 'ghost pepper' plant. This young man hates peppers, and he hates hot, spicy food. Thus, it makes sense that he chose the second hottest pepper on earth. The sign said the 'scorpion pepper' was the hottest and I finally managed to talk him out of that one, so he settled on the ghost variety. Trying to think like a 12 year old boy - whether I like peppers or not doesn't change the fact that it sounds way cool to say I grew a ghost pepper....one of the hottest peppers ever! I hope if they are prolific, we have friends who want them.
Yesterday and today I got my hands in the dirt...literally. I weeded, shoveled, turned soil and set plants. The point is that I did it all begrudgingly, in the beginning. All of it, the festival and the gardening. You see, it has always made my Father so proud to see me gardening. He comes from a farming family and I used to believe he was proud because I was continuing the practice (on a very small scale). Today, I think he was proud simply because he saw the joy and excitement gardening brought me. It was a topic we could talk about other than cars, and I loved those conversations. When I began gardening, Dad was the one who tilled my garden and helped me plant. As the years passed, I'd take him with me to purchase plants, usually from Conrad's in Bixby. Later, he would 'supervise' and give me helpful hints. I never planted the tomatoes far enough apart, and I never made the hills and straight lines he recommended. Still, he was proud. Last year, Dad was a little lost while Ethan, Nathan, the kids and I planted, but he still shared a bit of wisdom and enjoyed watching the action. Momma drove him over countless times to see my garden growing and every time I felt like a little kid, excited to see my parents so I could share my accomplishments with them. This year, my Daddy is not at home to enjoy my garden, thus, I dreaded even doing it.
Where is my Daddy?
My precious Daddy was admitted to a hospital unit for Seniors with dementia. He has been there several days now, and it has been a roller coaster ride for us all. Some days are good, some days are bad; I would not say any have been excellent. There are times that we are certain we have made the best decisions, and there are days we doubt every decision made. Again and again I say, Alzheimer's sucks.
We can only visit him one hour each day during his stay in the unit. One hour. My Momma is used to round the clock, 24 hour time with my dad. My sister, our spouses, our brother, these children of ours...their grandchildren...Daddy and his Alzheimer's are all a big part of our lives. One hour is difficult to say the least. In the beginning, it is restful. Then, as you begin to catch up on the rest- reality sets in. Reality that life has changed dramatically and that once more, a 'new normal' is occurring, with or without our permission.
Tomorrow is his 80th birthday. My Daddy. The Swahili. The tireman. The guy who plays the accordion beautifully and plays the melodies by ear. My Daddy who has always said he will live to 104. The man of great wisdom such as, 'if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump it's ass every time it tried to fly.' and 'I don't mind birthdays, they are better than the alternative'. My encourager. My Daddy who always smelled wonderfully clean and left the scent of his cologne on the leather of his truck steering wheel. My daddy with the grease stained hands. The fisherman. The helper. The maker of silly faces. My Daddy the hard worker (some might say workaholic). My Daddy who can whistle any tune and who always tried to see the bright side. My hard headed, stubborn, set in his ways, cuss at his broken lawn equipment, Daddy. The one who always filled Momma's car with gas, the one who protected, the one who really believes the best about his kids (but also knew the worst), the one who loves us with all he has. My Daddy who finds his God not inside of a church building but rather, in the great outdoors. And all he is was never perfect. Ever. It was though, absolutely real and just what I needed to be who I am (which has also never been perfect).
Tomorrow, April 21, 2014 is Daddy's 80th birthday. Tomorrow, we move this sweet Father of ours to his new home, a place designed just for those who need 'memory care'. Memory care. Memory care. Still processing the weight of the fact that this is where we are. This is bittersweet. I hope he loves it there, and I pray we are confident and at peace with decisions made.
My most recent visit with Daddy was two days ago. It was a really good visit, the most positive one I've had with him in a long time. He greeted me with a smile and a, "Hi, guy!" He introduced me to some of the staff as his beautiful son. I've been 'his son' for quite a while now, but not since his admission to the hospital. Somehow, there is sweet relief in being 'his son', or 'bud' once more.
We walked. We talked. I promised him that when I planted my garden this year, I would heed his advice and put the tomato plants a good distance apart, and in a line. He talked about tire gauges. We were holding two separate conversations and we were holding hands. As we circled the floor, we stopped so he could smile and speak to the same people he had spoken to a few moments earlier. He sought out a new patient who was very tearful, and he asked her what was wrong. She wept, and told him how she just wanted to go home. He placed his giant hand on her shoulder gently and said, "I have a sign in my store that says, 'if you think you can, you will.' He gave her shoulder an encouraging squeeze and we resumed our walk. I cherish that glimpse of my Daddy, he is in there somewhere, the Alzheimer's is just hiding him deeper every day.
I'm going to see my Daddy tomorrow. I will be sure and tell him Happy Birthday. I will let him know that I really did set the tomato plants a decent distance apart, although I could not bear to do hills...and I attempted to make straight lines. I will let him know that although I entered into my project begrudgingly, the dirt did it's therapy on me and I'm excited about my garden. I will tell him how deeply I love him and how thankful I am for him, and how I hurt for his hurt and am thankful for his life. I will tell him, thank you for simply being my Daddy.
I pray John, Stella and Nathan are able to see him too. I pray it is an EXCELLENT day.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Friday, April 4, 2014
tiny update
There is so very much I want to say. Countless words written on my heart that I long to share but I know deep inside of me that it's just not time yet. There will be a time. A time when Nathan and I will share our journey out loud for all to hear. A time when we will share how these sad times strengthened us somehow. I truly believe this. It has always been and will always be my prayer that our story is used to help others and to glorify the power of God. So....here we are, with some excellent content to add to our story and the opportunity to deepen the love in our legacy.
Right now we are mending brokenness. We are smack in the middle of restoration and healing....what a process it is. What a beautifully ugly process. I earnestly plea for your continued prayers. Nothing about life is 'easy' right now, and that's just the way it is. I am learning to look up, look in and reach out more than is in my comfort zone for sure. Some days...strength, grace and peace abound. Even on those days, unfortunate memories creep in and try to steal what is becoming with what was. Alas, I am reminded, WE ARE HERE. HE IS IN CHARGE. The past is exactly that, past, and the present is our gift. What will we do with it?
It's difficult...
My Daddy's days are getting rougher and rougher. It is almost the time that I didn't want to come. I love he and my Momma; it's a desperate feeling to know there is no earthly power to stop the progression of this terrible disease.. I am so sad and I am grasping for the lovely here. It is there, again, in words I am not ready to share. Alzheimer's - MEAN.
Sometimes I spend too much energy soaking in the fear. When I come to my senses, I picture myself snuggled up on God's lap. Held. I'm held. We are held.
With that sweet thought...may angels sing around us all as we slumber tonight.
Right now we are mending brokenness. We are smack in the middle of restoration and healing....what a process it is. What a beautifully ugly process. I earnestly plea for your continued prayers. Nothing about life is 'easy' right now, and that's just the way it is. I am learning to look up, look in and reach out more than is in my comfort zone for sure. Some days...strength, grace and peace abound. Even on those days, unfortunate memories creep in and try to steal what is becoming with what was. Alas, I am reminded, WE ARE HERE. HE IS IN CHARGE. The past is exactly that, past, and the present is our gift. What will we do with it?
It's difficult...
My Daddy's days are getting rougher and rougher. It is almost the time that I didn't want to come. I love he and my Momma; it's a desperate feeling to know there is no earthly power to stop the progression of this terrible disease.. I am so sad and I am grasping for the lovely here. It is there, again, in words I am not ready to share. Alzheimer's - MEAN.
Sometimes I spend too much energy soaking in the fear. When I come to my senses, I picture myself snuggled up on God's lap. Held. I'm held. We are held.
With that sweet thought...may angels sing around us all as we slumber tonight.
Friday, March 21, 2014
JOY
You know how life has a way of being overwhelming at times? I'm there. I am overwhelmed with life. OVERWHELMED.
What I find fascinating is what I am learning about me right now. One thing I am sure of...
I HAVE THE GIFT OF JOY.
It's a gift, truly. Joy....a gift from God. Different from happiness, happiness can be circumstantial. Joy and happy don't have to coexist. As a matter of fact, I can feel horribly disheartened but my heart still has joy. Joy...not a feeling but a heart gift.
A precious friend gave me a sweet present and card a few weeks ago. The words written in the card were "The Joy of the Lord is my strength." Ever since then, I have been hearing that phrase several times a day...in songs, in my Jesus Calling devotional, out of the Bible, from a friend...all beautiful reminders...."the Joy of the Lord IS my Strength."
How true that is. One day, when I look back at the ugliness and heartache of this era, I may wonder how I got through it. I will know that 'I' did not but 'WE' did. My God and me. The joy he gave me....not circumstantial, makes no sense in this moment yet my joy is clearly present. I am grateful for this gift of joy. It is irreplaceable.
What I find fascinating is what I am learning about me right now. One thing I am sure of...
I HAVE THE GIFT OF JOY.
It's a gift, truly. Joy....a gift from God. Different from happiness, happiness can be circumstantial. Joy and happy don't have to coexist. As a matter of fact, I can feel horribly disheartened but my heart still has joy. Joy...not a feeling but a heart gift.
A precious friend gave me a sweet present and card a few weeks ago. The words written in the card were "The Joy of the Lord is my strength." Ever since then, I have been hearing that phrase several times a day...in songs, in my Jesus Calling devotional, out of the Bible, from a friend...all beautiful reminders...."the Joy of the Lord IS my Strength."
How true that is. One day, when I look back at the ugliness and heartache of this era, I may wonder how I got through it. I will know that 'I' did not but 'WE' did. My God and me. The joy he gave me....not circumstantial, makes no sense in this moment yet my joy is clearly present. I am grateful for this gift of joy. It is irreplaceable.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
un-alone
I am 41 years old. I had this space in time set apart in my mind to be the beginning of some of the best years of my life. Currently though, I am caught up in a whirlwind of sanctity spun into insanity. I am in the eye of the hurricane. Un-alone but kind of lonely.
The last year and a half has been full of challenges, and I find myself proud to be up and functioning each day but frustrated that I'm not capable of focusing on all that I once did - not capable because my mind has been consumed by recent events and there is barely room in there for what is familiar. My heart aches for what is and for what was. Tonight I shared a bit of this with a group of friends so close to my heart I consider them family.
I was asked, "Sarah, do you feel capable of handling all that you have ahead of you?" My immediate answer was that I did not alone feel equipped. I added that I knew with God I was going to make it, I had no choice. I don't know what that looks like but it's just a step by step walk with Jesus. Learning once more to trust in the moment for I know not what is ahead. I only know I am held and that is more than enough to get me where I am going. But sometimes (a lot) I am human and I forget the how very un-alone I really am.
In the last year, I have grown closer to God than ever I have been. It's been a process in which I've become more dependent on Him in countless ways. I spend a good amount of time yelling at God for allowing things to happen and letting choices be made, devastating things, horrific choices. I have times of drowning in self pity, anger and self doubt. I have sobbed until my body shook and I have fallen asleep countless nights crying soundless tears. I am grieving for dreams lost. I am grieving for what I in mind for my forties.
Several months ago, I began praying in the shower each morning, singing to worship music and making sure I've turned it up loud enough to drown out my crying. (not always a success) I often am on my knees with my hands held high in praise or offering as the water cascades over me. It is a ritual of mine to 'give' my loved ones, my relationships and my day over to God daily. (I aim for daily). I ask him to help me be Jesus with skin on. These are my acts of worship. Sometimes they are full of joy and happy connection. Sometimes they are sorrowful. Sometimes in between. Always - I know I am being held.
So, there you go. In the times I forget I am un-alone, I sink right into the muck. In the times I remember I am un-alone, life can still be mucky, but it's way more beautiful. I am totally capable. In Him, with Him, through Him.....I am so much more than Sweet Sarah. I am a force to be reckoned with.
You'll see.
The last year and a half has been full of challenges, and I find myself proud to be up and functioning each day but frustrated that I'm not capable of focusing on all that I once did - not capable because my mind has been consumed by recent events and there is barely room in there for what is familiar. My heart aches for what is and for what was. Tonight I shared a bit of this with a group of friends so close to my heart I consider them family.
I was asked, "Sarah, do you feel capable of handling all that you have ahead of you?" My immediate answer was that I did not alone feel equipped. I added that I knew with God I was going to make it, I had no choice. I don't know what that looks like but it's just a step by step walk with Jesus. Learning once more to trust in the moment for I know not what is ahead. I only know I am held and that is more than enough to get me where I am going. But sometimes (a lot) I am human and I forget the how very un-alone I really am.
In the last year, I have grown closer to God than ever I have been. It's been a process in which I've become more dependent on Him in countless ways. I spend a good amount of time yelling at God for allowing things to happen and letting choices be made, devastating things, horrific choices. I have times of drowning in self pity, anger and self doubt. I have sobbed until my body shook and I have fallen asleep countless nights crying soundless tears. I am grieving for dreams lost. I am grieving for what I in mind for my forties.
Several months ago, I began praying in the shower each morning, singing to worship music and making sure I've turned it up loud enough to drown out my crying. (not always a success) I often am on my knees with my hands held high in praise or offering as the water cascades over me. It is a ritual of mine to 'give' my loved ones, my relationships and my day over to God daily. (I aim for daily). I ask him to help me be Jesus with skin on. These are my acts of worship. Sometimes they are full of joy and happy connection. Sometimes they are sorrowful. Sometimes in between. Always - I know I am being held.
So, there you go. In the times I forget I am un-alone, I sink right into the muck. In the times I remember I am un-alone, life can still be mucky, but it's way more beautiful. I am totally capable. In Him, with Him, through Him.....I am so much more than Sweet Sarah. I am a force to be reckoned with.
You'll see.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
missed opportunities and gratitude
Relationships, people and missed opportunities are on my heart and mind.
A sweet friend, fellow Momma, daughter and more passed away a couple of summers ago after a fluke accident. A few weeks before that happened, I saw her at church across the room. Her eyes looked so very sad and I thought to myself...call your friend and connect this week. I never did that.
My precious friend who passed away this week texted me the morning of his last day. I saw his text and was busy at work. I knew when I called him back I wanted to give the call/text my full attention. The day got busy and I had in the back of my mind to call. He passed away that night and I never did connect with him.
My texts, voicemails and emails are flooded with encouragement, prayers and wisdom from those who understand my heart and/or situation. I have been in such a fog and have every intention of responding individually, yet I have not yet done so. Today is a bit of a wake up call. My heart hurts and my prayers are going up. I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to have these dear friends in my life. I am sorrowful for the opportunities I have missed. There are many opportunities I have not missed and realizing this is a healing balm.
What do I want? Which direction am I going and who do I want to be on my journey with? My heart knows a little but not much. I know I know enough to believe that my God is with me every step of the way and He will light my journey.
This earthly life is truly but the blink of an eye. Once you choose, you have chosen.
A sweet friend, fellow Momma, daughter and more passed away a couple of summers ago after a fluke accident. A few weeks before that happened, I saw her at church across the room. Her eyes looked so very sad and I thought to myself...call your friend and connect this week. I never did that.
My precious friend who passed away this week texted me the morning of his last day. I saw his text and was busy at work. I knew when I called him back I wanted to give the call/text my full attention. The day got busy and I had in the back of my mind to call. He passed away that night and I never did connect with him.
My texts, voicemails and emails are flooded with encouragement, prayers and wisdom from those who understand my heart and/or situation. I have been in such a fog and have every intention of responding individually, yet I have not yet done so. Today is a bit of a wake up call. My heart hurts and my prayers are going up. I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to have these dear friends in my life. I am sorrowful for the opportunities I have missed. There are many opportunities I have not missed and realizing this is a healing balm.
What do I want? Which direction am I going and who do I want to be on my journey with? My heart knows a little but not much. I know I know enough to believe that my God is with me every step of the way and He will light my journey.
This earthly life is truly but the blink of an eye. Once you choose, you have chosen.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Shuffling through
Sitting at my Momma's computer. Daddy is upstairs, wandering - finding out which part of this old house is warmest. Momma is in the hospital getting her new friend, 'a-fib', straightened out. I drink macadamia cookie coffee made with Momma's fancy Keurig that I love. I have Daddy's cooled hot chocolate waiting for him when he decides to come sit down....after he has investigated all of the vents he can find. Lights go on and lights go off as he searches through the rooms. This morning is remnicent of when my children were truly littles and my quiet time was bought up with nursing, snuggles, sometimes hot tears, sweet giggles, strips of toast, sticky faces and sticky oatmeal. I would not trade those 'quiet times' for anything. This morning I have sold out my quiet time to hear lessons from my Daddy on where the heating pipes are located in the house and where the warmest spots in the house are on bear feet. I would not trade these 'quiet times' for anything either.
Times are a changing. Always. But now I can feel it in my bones, I can see it on the horizon. In a way I am so excited to see how God reveals what 'restoration' means in my life. I am also terrified. My dreams may not be where my life goes. There may be bigger and better things than I ever thought possible if I am able to truly surrender my forecast, lean back into God's arms and see what happens. Being still, going only where I feel led. I wonder how that will feel. I imagine that the pain I am going through right now, though deep and horrendous, might very well be what leads me out of the lost hope forest and into the freedom I've only had glimpses of before. I still long for that freedom in my heart. It is that longing that seems to reverberate with what restoration looks like.
I am excited. I am terrified. I am going to continue to thank God in each and every circumstance and trust that he is leading me into the wide open....safely in his arms.
Someday I believe I will truly be able to stand in the gap and pray for those who have harmed my heart. Right now I am simply going to feel what I feel, and explain to my sweet Daddy that Momma is in St. Francis, not the State Penitentary.
I AM A BRAVE, WORTHY, LOVED BY GOD, TRULY HAPPY, WHIMSICAL WOMAN WHO IS WHOLE AND SURRENDERED AND BASKING IN THE WARMTH OF GOD'S SUNSHINE....AND I AM AN ENGAGED AND TRUSTING MOMMA WITH THE HEART OF A CHILD.
Thank you dear Lord for protecting this heart of mine. Thank you for leading me out of this lost and desolate place and back into your warmth. Thank you for dying for me. I am that worthy. That knowledge is perspective changing. I am not responsible for the poor decisions made by others, and when my heart aches you are holding me and reminding me I am whole. Thank you. Thank you for catching the tears that come out of the blue, unstoppable. They are a part of my healing but I am feeling dehydrated. Thank you for my sisters, my brothers, my heart friends and family you send to give me wisdom, hug me, pray with me and hold me in the dark.
I also ask protection for the hearts of my babies and of my husband. Let every bit of darkness come to light so that true healing may begin. Help me not ask why? but to just follow you.
Thankful in all circumstances, even when they suck. Thankful for you God. Thankful for my faith. Thankful for your love. Thankful for my babies and thankful that you give me all that I need right when I need it. Thankful that I am right where I need to be, even if I don't know why. Thank you for my story.
Amen.
Times are a changing. Always. But now I can feel it in my bones, I can see it on the horizon. In a way I am so excited to see how God reveals what 'restoration' means in my life. I am also terrified. My dreams may not be where my life goes. There may be bigger and better things than I ever thought possible if I am able to truly surrender my forecast, lean back into God's arms and see what happens. Being still, going only where I feel led. I wonder how that will feel. I imagine that the pain I am going through right now, though deep and horrendous, might very well be what leads me out of the lost hope forest and into the freedom I've only had glimpses of before. I still long for that freedom in my heart. It is that longing that seems to reverberate with what restoration looks like.
I am excited. I am terrified. I am going to continue to thank God in each and every circumstance and trust that he is leading me into the wide open....safely in his arms.
Someday I believe I will truly be able to stand in the gap and pray for those who have harmed my heart. Right now I am simply going to feel what I feel, and explain to my sweet Daddy that Momma is in St. Francis, not the State Penitentary.
I AM A BRAVE, WORTHY, LOVED BY GOD, TRULY HAPPY, WHIMSICAL WOMAN WHO IS WHOLE AND SURRENDERED AND BASKING IN THE WARMTH OF GOD'S SUNSHINE....AND I AM AN ENGAGED AND TRUSTING MOMMA WITH THE HEART OF A CHILD.
Thank you dear Lord for protecting this heart of mine. Thank you for leading me out of this lost and desolate place and back into your warmth. Thank you for dying for me. I am that worthy. That knowledge is perspective changing. I am not responsible for the poor decisions made by others, and when my heart aches you are holding me and reminding me I am whole. Thank you. Thank you for catching the tears that come out of the blue, unstoppable. They are a part of my healing but I am feeling dehydrated. Thank you for my sisters, my brothers, my heart friends and family you send to give me wisdom, hug me, pray with me and hold me in the dark.
I also ask protection for the hearts of my babies and of my husband. Let every bit of darkness come to light so that true healing may begin. Help me not ask why? but to just follow you.
Thankful in all circumstances, even when they suck. Thankful for you God. Thankful for my faith. Thankful for your love. Thankful for my babies and thankful that you give me all that I need right when I need it. Thankful that I am right where I need to be, even if I don't know why. Thank you for my story.
Amen.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Restoration
Yesterday, I was able to pursue some much needed closure in my life. I was able to sit across the table from the owner of the general contracting company that we had a very poor experience with as we 'exchanged goods' (his words).
You see, although I had not actually seen this man face to face since our issues began, I invited the thoughts and beliefs of he and his partner to infiltrate my heart, although they were not my truth. They were not my truth, but they were hurtful and damaging. I allowed the actions of these people to wreak havoc on my home, on my family, on friendships, on our dreams. I took on the role of powerless and I have been feeling terribly victimized.
Yesterday I took my power back. Everything did not work out as I had hoped, but it did work out and it is finished. I was nervous to sit face to face with this man, and actually I had no plans to speak to him. I just wanted to look into his eyes. I wanted him to feel some of the weight of his actions. I prayed. I received a text from a friend, looked on facebook, received and email and looked on a prayer website. Each place had "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 Four times! I listened.
I walked in with my head held high. I had to request that the man look at my eyes several times as I sat across from him at a small table and summed up the year we have had-in great part thanks to he and his partner. He was in a hurry to leave. He behaved in the same cowardly manner he has throughout this situation. I thanked him for his time. He may never understand what he has done, and he may still consider me ignorant or below him. I had no plans to speak but peace overtook me as I spoke calmly and firmly. I thank God for getting to use my voice as He led me too, it does not matter if that man, who could barely meet my eyes, understands. God does. God knows how healing that moment was for my heart.
So now...as I said, it is finished. Forgiveness is my choice. I may have to choose it repeatedly, but it is my choice and I'm committed to living a forgiving life. I still won't ever recommend these people to anyone. I still believe their business practices will catch up with the. I still feel we were wronged. But, I don't have to be angry anymore. My energy has other places to go.
Which leads me to this....I noticed all my cool friends were coming up with a 'word' for the year. I love words and resolutions frustrate me, so I went with the word.
I feel God put the word on my heart in an instant.
RESTORATION. So many great definitions. So many great words inside my word. Rest. Ration. Restore. The Biblical meaning is to return all things to their previous, pure state. This sure pings me. I have so many feelings I have processed this past year. So much ugliness and ick have been residing in my heart...with my permission. I have forgotten to care for myself and it is evident in my appearance and my weariness. If I were to try to restore myself by myself, I'd only get so far. I am asking God for restoration as He would have it. I don't know what that looks like but I know He's got me and I'm excited to see where we are going.
My verse for the year...
Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."
Father God,
I am weary. I am even doubting a little that my faith is not just some magical thinking. I see you are taking care of things in your time and I am learning to trust you with my life. I am learning to joyfully surrender control and the ones I love to your hands. But sometimes I get overwhelmed with the what if's and I am afraid and I grab everything I just gave you back to carry on my own shoulders. Help me surrender wholly to you.
The house saga is over. Finally. It's time to let go and move forward. Thank you for the lessons learned and thank you for helping use my significant voice.
Our marriage- we still have a marriage. Thank you for that. I am married to the love of my life and I am believing that you put us together for a divine purpose and you will work this hard time out in a way that glorifies you in the end...whatever that is. Thank you for the opportunity to fight for each other and not take love for granted.
My sweet Daddy....my precious Momma....Alzheimers still sucks and I pray one day their is a cure. For the victim and caregivers too.
The love in my family overwhelms me with gratitude. Our children are intricate weavings of our souls, my love for them is to infinity and beyond. We are blessed with friends who walk by our side during the hard and good parts of this journey called life, for them I am thankful.
I look forward to seeing the way you make through the wilderness and I'm already feeling my thirst being quenched. I am eagerly anticipating the hopes, dreams, relationships and joy only you can restore to myself, this life and my loved ones.
God, please bless our moments in 2014 and beyond.
In your precious name I pray,
your daughter, Sarah
You see, although I had not actually seen this man face to face since our issues began, I invited the thoughts and beliefs of he and his partner to infiltrate my heart, although they were not my truth. They were not my truth, but they were hurtful and damaging. I allowed the actions of these people to wreak havoc on my home, on my family, on friendships, on our dreams. I took on the role of powerless and I have been feeling terribly victimized.
Yesterday I took my power back. Everything did not work out as I had hoped, but it did work out and it is finished. I was nervous to sit face to face with this man, and actually I had no plans to speak to him. I just wanted to look into his eyes. I wanted him to feel some of the weight of his actions. I prayed. I received a text from a friend, looked on facebook, received and email and looked on a prayer website. Each place had "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 Four times! I listened.
I walked in with my head held high. I had to request that the man look at my eyes several times as I sat across from him at a small table and summed up the year we have had-in great part thanks to he and his partner. He was in a hurry to leave. He behaved in the same cowardly manner he has throughout this situation. I thanked him for his time. He may never understand what he has done, and he may still consider me ignorant or below him. I had no plans to speak but peace overtook me as I spoke calmly and firmly. I thank God for getting to use my voice as He led me too, it does not matter if that man, who could barely meet my eyes, understands. God does. God knows how healing that moment was for my heart.
So now...as I said, it is finished. Forgiveness is my choice. I may have to choose it repeatedly, but it is my choice and I'm committed to living a forgiving life. I still won't ever recommend these people to anyone. I still believe their business practices will catch up with the. I still feel we were wronged. But, I don't have to be angry anymore. My energy has other places to go.
Which leads me to this....I noticed all my cool friends were coming up with a 'word' for the year. I love words and resolutions frustrate me, so I went with the word.
I feel God put the word on my heart in an instant.
RESTORATION. So many great definitions. So many great words inside my word. Rest. Ration. Restore. The Biblical meaning is to return all things to their previous, pure state. This sure pings me. I have so many feelings I have processed this past year. So much ugliness and ick have been residing in my heart...with my permission. I have forgotten to care for myself and it is evident in my appearance and my weariness. If I were to try to restore myself by myself, I'd only get so far. I am asking God for restoration as He would have it. I don't know what that looks like but I know He's got me and I'm excited to see where we are going.
My verse for the year...
Isaiah 43:19 "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."
Father God,
I am weary. I am even doubting a little that my faith is not just some magical thinking. I see you are taking care of things in your time and I am learning to trust you with my life. I am learning to joyfully surrender control and the ones I love to your hands. But sometimes I get overwhelmed with the what if's and I am afraid and I grab everything I just gave you back to carry on my own shoulders. Help me surrender wholly to you.
The house saga is over. Finally. It's time to let go and move forward. Thank you for the lessons learned and thank you for helping use my significant voice.
Our marriage- we still have a marriage. Thank you for that. I am married to the love of my life and I am believing that you put us together for a divine purpose and you will work this hard time out in a way that glorifies you in the end...whatever that is. Thank you for the opportunity to fight for each other and not take love for granted.
My sweet Daddy....my precious Momma....Alzheimers still sucks and I pray one day their is a cure. For the victim and caregivers too.
The love in my family overwhelms me with gratitude. Our children are intricate weavings of our souls, my love for them is to infinity and beyond. We are blessed with friends who walk by our side during the hard and good parts of this journey called life, for them I am thankful.
I look forward to seeing the way you make through the wilderness and I'm already feeling my thirst being quenched. I am eagerly anticipating the hopes, dreams, relationships and joy only you can restore to myself, this life and my loved ones.
God, please bless our moments in 2014 and beyond.
In your precious name I pray,
your daughter, Sarah
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