Today has been a day that I am writing in my heart, and it's about to get even better.  Nathan returns home in about an hour from being at teen camp all week.  I have missed him terribly, the kids have missed him tons...but in my heart I know he needed to be where he was this week and am just looking forward to having his physical presence in our home again. 

I don't talk often of my nieces and nephews here, mostly because I am afraid if I mention one, another will feel left out and so..... suffice it to say these ladies and gentlemen (some of whom were my 'practice' babies) totally have my heart and I consider it a huge privilege that they actually want to be around us almost 40 people and our young children.

Three of my lovely young nieces spent a night or three with us last week, along with one of their sweet friends.  They make my heart happy.  I am honored that they share some of their young lady life secrets with me, and they have no idea how very much they teach me.  Part of them are here again tonight and a few more will come tomorrow as they do every summer.  We will spend the bigger part of this week together, playing in the day and doing VBS in the evening.  I'm praying for a beautiful, bonding week for us.  I get to see a bit of myself in each of them and be reminded of the ups and downs of adolescence....it's a tough time, truly.

Church this morning was fabulous.  Fabulous.  Lots of tears, lots of joy, lots of prayer and it just felt good.  The sermon hit home with me and resonated with my perception of life so well, other parts of it caused me to pause and challenge myself.  I love that!

There are times I am trying to sing/praise/worship and for whatever reason I am not fully there.  I think it's usually preoccupation or pride but I love the times I am able to let go and fully be in God's presence (despite or in addition to the presence of others).  I sat with one of my nieces who happens to be a snuggle bug and it  was a comfort to hold her hand as we prayed, sang and I let my tears flow.  During one song, I got out of my seat and knelt on the chair before me to pray.  I am much of the time so worried about others thinking I'm a weirdo (finding out if they are going to think that, they are going to regardless) or that I am not doing it 'right', I hold myself back.  I had no thought process regarding kneeling to pray, my heart just knew this is how it needed to worship God this morning and there I went...no better way to bask in the warmth of God's sunshine.  I love when I am overwhelmed with God's love like this and I ask myself how often he wants to love me like this but I play the come here, get away game like a champ. 

There was healing in my heart today with some relationships.  That was a blessing. 

I'm also getting to the point of resolve and forgiveness in others.  I have thought hard, I do not believe forgiveness and reconciliation go hand in hand, nor do I believe forgiveness and division go hand in hand.  It is calming after praying and thinking to know in peace where my heart is. 

May you find peace in your now, in your tomorrow and in your yesterday.

Be blessed.

Good morning!

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.  Psalm 143:8

I shared this verse with a friend last night as my prayer to her for today, and it has ended up being my own prayer.  I woke up heavy hearted.  You know that feeling when you wake up all happy because it's a new day and then it hits you...the memory of something not right in your current life that is weighing heavily on you.  That's what I first felt.  Then this verse popped into my heart and I'm so thankful for that.

I walked this morning for an hour and a half.  I have skipped out on walking for over a month 'because of the heat' (or so I say).  A few moments into my walk, I bumped into my Dad who was having his morning walk.  He's wearing sandals because his tennis shoes hurt his big toe.  I hate that he's wearing sandals because they seem to make his shuffly kind of gate even more pronounced.  The open toe on them is not good for his walking, kind of trips him up.  So I decided to join him for his walk.  For about thirty minutes we walked and I listened to him talk of things that irritate him; of my Mom's delicious cooking and her need to have a hip replaced; of his idea to put awning all around the house and of course...I listened to the latest tractor/lawn mower stories and we talked about my van and Nathan's truck and how they were holding up.  I held his hand for a bit as we walked along the street.  I love my Daddy's big, strong, callused man hands.  I used to love driving his work truck because his steering wheel smelled like his hands...a combination of cologne and grease from changing peoples tires and messing with their engines. It's odd to be holding his hand in a form of protection when he has always been the one to hold my hand and offer the protection.   I love my Daddy and I hate that he is fading away.  I got to walk him home and hug my Momma and tell her about my hurt heart.  There is nothing like telling my Momma, no matter how old I am - she is all safety and comfort to me. She is my heart and I am desperately sad that I can do nothing to better what is her reality right now.

For the latter half of my walk I had a beautiful conversation with a beloved friend.  I heard her say some things to me and I had to remind myself that they weren't judgements, just her input.  I was thankful for her feedback, it's given me food for thought so I have much to ponder and pray about.  She is a wise friend, an imperfect friend and a safe friend.  I love that she cares enough to hear my heart and trusts me enough to share her own heart. 

We talked about my blogging and I guess some people take it personally.  I knew when I decided to write honestly from my heart that I was setting myself up to be judged.  Considering the gift of healing my writing brings to me, and to a few others  -- I have decided to trust the process.  I will continue to write from my heart and know God will send the people who will find value in it, and also those who will contribute value to me.  So for now, if it's the way it is....I am okay to be Noah in the desert, as was so eloquently put.

After this, I recieved a call from another friend.  Another beautiful conversation, very similar to the first, though a little harder and a lot more tearful on my part.  Again I got to share my heart, hear her heart and gain much insight and value.  Again I was given things to weigh and choose to take into my heart as truth or let go as loving thoughts to grow from.  I'm taking both options this time. 

I am in a place of feeling convicted of so many wrongdoings in my past but also in a position of seeing some things I have done really well...and some in between.  Not one cancels another out.  I am growing and risking and learning and I trying to implement.  I don't like to be judged, I see that I clearly have been judged.  I don't like to be criticized in a mean spirited way, and I have been.  I don't like when I become feisty and insolent and indignant, I have done that.  I don't like when I hide and mistrust and let fear rule, I have done that. 

And all of it is okay, because I am learning to be different.  I wish to threaten or hurt no one with my life, I wish to live well and as my friend Darla says, 'like Jesus with skin on.'  Sometimes I fail an attempt, as I am human - I am not Jesus.  I am going to keep running the race with my head held high; for in the end only He and I know my heart  and this is the one truth that will reside with me. 

Blessings on this Friday.

Sarah

Where am I?

This has been a wacky week.  Tonight my heart feels broken and I want to crawl in the covers with my babies and not write.  Not write about the things that have caused my brokenness, because seeing it here makes things too real. 

Above all, I want to continue down the road of healing.  God is making me a new creation and I understand that I have to lean into life and embrace all of it, even the pain.  To me, this is part of trusting God. 

I mentioned previously that I had some hard conversations to be had.  I felt God wanted me to be brave and to accept.  I knew this meant stepping into the arena with hard and hurt and giving all I had to give despite the outcome.  And I know that the part of accept means to grieve or rejoice; let go or hang on.  I knew I had none of the answers and all of the anxiety that comes with not knowing.  I knew the pain of knowing I was not trusting God and being brave was another version of letting fear run my life and I knew I was ready to do different.  And so I began with  a prayer, and another prayer, and another prayer. 

I had the first conversation.  It was anything but pleasant.  I don't honestly know if things are 'better', they might be worse before they get better.  I do know that God has us both in his hands and I'm going to all I have to give to this relationship in a brave and accepting way.  I love my friend, regardless of what comes. 

The other person I had hoped to converse with opted to not have the conversation.  I already feel betrayed in this relationship, and to hear her lack of desire to talk was all it took for me to become a temporary heap of tears.  Listening to old tapes....I'm not worth the effort.  After some serious boohooing, I began to pray.  Even now as I write, I hurt and I cry but I know that tonight when I fall back into bed I will be falling into God's arms.  I know I am being held by him right now and I can softly hear the whisper in my soul.  I feel like God is saying, 'baby girl, you were brave; now accept.'  I'm trying God, can you help me? 

A lovely friend commented on my previous post.  Her words have been beautiful music to my hurting spirit.  I am reminded by her that others can only give me what they have to give and that it is okay for me to let go and walk away stronger than I was before.  It is hard for me to let go without resolution, but I'm receiving training in this like never before.

I guess here is the true test.  I stepped in and went where my heart led me.  One result was good but could be better, the conversation that didn't happen hurt the worst.  I trusted God and stepped in.  I was a brave because he makes me brave.  Now that I see I have not been able to find peace in a conversation, I am left to ask God for that peace.  I must accept that it does not come from a person.  I hurt.  God didn't ever promise me I would not hurt.  But he's here.  He loves me and tonight I will ask him for the peace only he can give. 

A friend called conversations with God a God dyad.  I loved that.  I am so loved and I love deeply. 
My precious Lord, Thank you God for hearing my heart, I am hurting horribly but in my hurt I feel you.  Someone accused me of being a fraud, of not living out what I write about.  That stung.  I thought deeply about it.  It's not a truth about my heart, I know that for sure.  God, I am a far cry from perfection, I am only me.  I feel changes in me and I know you are making me new.  Help me continue to be patient with myself and with others. Help me to grow in your image.  I am so blessed.  I look at my sleeping angels, I think of the work my husband is blessed to be doing right now.  My nieces and nephews, siblings, parents and extended family, my friends, the love you surround me with and the life you give me....I AM BLESSED.  Would you please watch closely over my Daddy as his dementia steals more of his mind and please protect my precious Momma who is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.   I am a little afraid, I could not make this without you in my life.   God help me to continue being brave and help me to accept...for I only have the snapshot and you have the panoramic view.  Amen.


God did this so that, but two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged.  We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the sanctuary behind the curtains.  Hebrews 6:18-19

There is no fear in love (dread does not exist), but full grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror!  For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and (so) he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love (is not yet grown into love's complete perfection.)  1 John 4:18

Be brave and accept

I have a whole lot of work to do on myself.  So much that if I think too far ahead, I just want to quit before I begin. 

Tonight, I got to process with a very dear friend.  I called her because I thought I needed a listening ear and perhaps a little feedback.  An hour later, I found myself sitting on the back of Nathan's truck with an abundance of warm, quiet tears running down my cheeks.  It's funny how God works out scenarios that are so different than the scenes I have thought out and planned.

I have been hurting, aching deep in my heart over the loss of friendships.  I have written that before.  I don't write the details because as much as I am feeling sad and hurt, it is not my wish to lash out and dishonor .  I have tried to reach out to a couple of those hearts no longer tied to my own; there has been no response.  Ouch. 

I am the original peacemaker, I am the good girl, I am the one to make things right, to make them okay.  I try and I try to forgive, to let them go...to not give up who I am in the process.  I try but I have failed.  This is why I called my friend.  I want to 'get it', to make sense of these losses so that I may be at peace about it. 

My friend asked me this...'Who treats me with less dignity and respect than I would like to be treated?"  Ah...the names come to my heart without hesitation.  I see the people vividly in my mind's eye.  'How do they do this?' Let me count the ways. 
Then...'who taught them to treat me that way?'  This is clear as me, myself and I move to the forefront.  Finally...'who taught me that it is okay for friends to treat friends like this?"  And dadblastit...it goes back to my Grandma again.  Every time I think I let all of the ick go, God shows me just another way I'm letting the ick run my life. I'm thankful he shows me; I think.  No, I am.  I am thankful.  I'm just a wee bit tired.

As I tell my friend through my sobs that I don't want to be the puppy with my tail tucked between my legs chasing in hopes of a friendship crumb; she reminds me what forgiveness is and what forgiveness isn't.  Forgiveness isn't acceptance of the way I have been treated; nor is it an invitation back into my life.  It is only forgiveness.  It is a gift for me.  I am reminded that I can, with a very sincere heart, listen and apologize for my part in someone's hurting heart.  Same rules apply as with forgiveness. 

I recognize, when people turn their backs on me; ignore me purposefully as we walk by one another; talk about me rather than to me; play nice in front of others, etc - I am brought back to childhood and I shrink down to fit the bill.  I hide.  I have hidden.  I have avoided.  I have sooooo much hard work ahead.  I am reminded that these heart relationships hold exponentially more value to me than the need to be right or good does. 

I weep.  I cIose my eyes and I transport myself to a place very special to me, a place only I can travel to.  I am leaning into the arms of Jesus, he covers and cradles me all at once.  It is here that I am 100% safe from any person, situation, pain, anything.  I am back in the womb safe.  Can I trust this in real life?  Can I step into something difficult trusting that although I cannot plan the outcome, and although I may HATE the hurt of the outcome; I AM SAFE.  I am held.  I am loved.  I am worth it. 

I hear clearly in my heart what I believe are direct words from God.  Be brave and accept.  I know exactly what this means and I know exactly what I must do. Outwardly living congruent to what is in my heart involves me taking steps forward, out of my box and directly into discomfort.  Am I worth it?  Absolutely.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.  Matthew 5:9
(Peacemaker is defined as 'One that makes peace, especially by settling disputes.'  I am trusting that applies to the disputes going on in my own heart.)

  I went further to look up definitions of peace and found...

1. The absence of war or other hostilities.

2. An agreement or a treaty to end hostilities.

3. Freedom from quarrels and disagreement; harmonious relations: roommates living in peace with each other.

4.  Inner contentment; serenity

 

I like that none of this indicates I must be responsible for fixing, none of it says I must settle or be a doormat and none of it says I have to even continue the friendship.  In my heart I must love, I must forgive and I must find peace.  I'm looking forward to doing different, to doing better.

 

 

 

May your life be filled with the love you deserve.

 

S.

Silent Stalker

I hate my anxiety.  I hate that it takes over my mind and my heart sometimes before I have any forewarning.  And it's just there.  Solid darkness, all consuming.  Wondering if the next step I take will be a step into my death.  It comes in the form of a fog that echoes over my being while I slowly but surely become disconnected from life around me and fall into that dreamlike state that happens before the panic.  Voices become distant, conversations become separate from me, every sound and sensation is in the background, somewhere else. My stomach is sour, I am nauseated.  Logic, logic, please find me.  

 I I know I'm not crazy.  I know I somehow called these feelings up and I need to send them away - but they are stubborn.  I've learned to control it enough that the panic has become silent and stays within the confines of me.  Silent is scarier, in my own head and heart I struggle to stay in reality, in the moment that is life.  It comes from nowhere, sneaking up as stealthily as my shadow.  Logic, find me and grip me, please. 

Nobody knows I am here in this silent place, I'm not even sure I am there and I sure don't know how to get back quick enough.  So I move, I excuse myself to the bathroom or outside.  I splash water on me, I breath the changed air; in desperation I do anything to grasp reality and hold onto the logic.  It's only been a few moments, even seconds...but inside of me I have just felt eternal hell on earth.  I hate it, that monster called anxiety.

I think I made a connection to the cause of my silent stalker last night.  I was taught in no uncertain terms early in life (two posts ago will clarify), that I held the power to life and death.  If I was good, God would reward me. He was watching me always and if I was bad, he would punish me, with death or illness....mine or someone that I loved.  It was all up to me and depended on if I was a good girl or not.  I think I've carried this into my grown up life so when I am feeling guilty or not sure if I am doing the right thing, I punish myself. I long to be a good girl.

 I hear my own tapes.  God will punish you Sarah.  He's watching you.  You are such a good girl, God thinks you are so special.  And these tapes that I refused to acknowledge are loud, clear and clearly confusing to me.  I know.  I hear.  Now for the hard work in learning to rewrite the scripts on my tapes.  Ouch. 

Good news, I fully believe my tapes are nothing but LIES.  Heartbreaking that these lies came from someone I loved more than life, and who loved me more than life.  But her sweet soul was sick and so the lines between love and possesion became intertwined and the result is me.  God has given me truth.  He has given me new life. He has made me new. I have lived one way for 30 something years and now am being given the gift of a chance to learn different and be free.  Thankful.



As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.  My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.  When can I go and meet with God?  Psalm 42:1-2

(I am learning to meet and walk with the living God now, not the God who lives to punish but the God who is here to truly give life.)

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.  Psalm 34:5 (And so I hold my head high, believing and searching for the TRUTH and knowing I am a child of God, a survivor rather than a martyr and his heart of joy.)

trust. surrender. belief. hope.

Today, Nathan and I will be closing on a big ole loan that will allow us to add on and renovate our home.  Maybe not big to some people, to us it is HUGE.  In October, we have booked a trip for myself, Nathan, John and Stella to go to Disneyworld. 

These are things that involve trust. surrender. belief. hope for a bright future.  Things I struggle tremendously with grasping and hanging onto.  As a matter of fact, I struggle to get my words written right now because my 'what if's' try to creep in.  For this moment, I will be taking the power away from my what if's and choosing trust. surrender. belief. hope for a bright future.  Apprehension and excitement befall me at once.  The apprehension this time isn't enough to squelch the excitement of what's to come, that is a glorious feeling.

The kids don't know a thing about Disneyworld.  They do believe we are going to the beach in October but we aren't telling until we arrive on Disney property and they can see.  The ancipation for us in surprising them with this gift grows daily, we are experiencing our own child nature in giggling about our fun secret. 

Stella often dreams out loud about the day we get to go.  John usually tells her to stop b/c we can't afford Disneyworld but we will go to the lake or somewhere small.  He tells her by dreaming out loud she will make us sad b/c we can't go to Disneyworld.  I wonder what we have taught our children of living and life when I hear them act out my inner struggle.  Nathan and I both have on our lifeplan to do this, and we really are doing it.  Yes...the money has a zillion places it could've been utilized.  As my Mom says (and of course my Mom is always right...especially when I agree!), we will always need money but we won't always have this time to make memories, so make memories. 

We have looked for years at houses to buy and have finally decided on staying here and adding on.  This was my Grandma's house and it is time to make it ours.  It is our home but still her house, if that makes any sense.  My children will each have their own room.  Nathan and I will have a room with a lock on the door!  We will have bathrooms without a bathtub in it that makes me recoil.  We will have our home set up how it works for our family, in colors and comforts and smells that are unique to our family.  We will have our own furniture, or maybe we won't have furniture at all.  We will continue to grow and build beauty and identify how to live out and teach to our children a life of trust. surrender. belief. hope for a bright future.

Happy Thursday, may you hear a God whisper today.

Blessings,

sarah

Surely God is Sarah's salvation; Sarah will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord, the Lord, is Sarah's strength and Sarah's song; he has become Sarah's salvation.  - Isaiah 12:2

Release

She told me she loved me more than anything or anyone on this earth. 
Always. 
She told me it was better if I stayed at her house tonight, there were too many other children at my own home.  Here, I was the 'only' one and here I wasn't a burden, I was a gift.
She told me nobody would ever love me like she did.
Ever.
She told me I was such a good girl. Such a pretty girl.  Such a special girl.  She told me God sent me just for her to make up with the little girl she had lost during pregnancy because my Papa did something to make her and the baby sick. 
She told me all the 'truths' about my Mom and Dad, my brothers and sisters, she told me 'who' was to blame that I was born with a congenital heart defect.
She told me of all of my Papa's extramarital activities, and of her one true love-and how he had been taken from her life.
She took me shopping and bought me expensive things to show me how wonderful I was.
She taught me to love pretty lipstick, great shoes, fine clothing and lovely perfume, it was important to look and act like a little lady.
She and I slept in the same bed - my Papa slept alone in the other room because men just wanted women for one thing anyway.
She did not speak to me for two weeks at a time when I had 'disappointed' her, unless we were in front of other people.
She taught me her cooking secrets and she told me her deepest secrets - I didn't understand.  I understood I held the key to her happiness.
She taught me I held the power of the peacekeeper, the joybringer and the devastation maker.
All this...before I was my daughter's age - my daughter is seven.  Hard for me to swallow.

She was my Grandma.

She told me I was 'killing her'. 
She told me I was 'putting her in her grave early'.
She told me that God would punish me someday.
She told me to bring her flowers now, not to her grave.
She told me God was watching me.
She told me God wanted me to stay a 'good' girl.
She told me I was set apart to love her, I was so special.
She told me she would die without me.
She told me I was her angel.
She told me I was breaking her heart.
She told me I was making her crazy and sick.
She told me I was selfish.
She told me she loved me more than any other child or grandchild, she left them a letter when she was dying so they would 'understand' why.
She told me I was the kindest hearted person to ever walk this earth.
She told me I should feel guilty for having no conscience.

She was my Grandma.


She gave me tremendous power, the kind of power that devastates and makes you weak in the knees.  The kind of power a child does not want or deserve.  The kind of power that renders a soul powerless for a time. She loved me, truly she did.  And I loved her, absolutely. I honestly forgive her.  A daily choice.  I am still healing. 

She was my Grandma.  I am ME.

 I write this not to hurt or wound any person.  I write this to release it so it has no hold over me.  If another heart hears something in this that resonates with them and can bring any portion of healing to their life, I am doubly blessed.

I am  brave, worthy, loved by God and truly happy, I am an engaged and trusting Momma with the heart of a child and I am a surrendered, whole woman basking in the warmth of God's sunshine.  I have traveled this journey well and have the strongest desire to strengthen my joy, release my past so it does not define me and let my Jesus hold me tight....and he will.

"You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."  Psalm 16:11