Well....bless my heart

I titled this post 'Well, bless my heart' because I hear that's the appropriate southern girl thing to say to someone when there are no words, so to save anyone the trouble I just say it to myself.  :)  Since this is me Sarah, there are always words - they may not be beautiful but there are definately words.  I have been working on a '30 days of kindness to myself' project on facebook and I'm not sure why, but I am fairly certain God has planted this idea in my heart.  I can't wait to see where it goes and what comes of it.  In addition to that, I have been journaling often.  Writing is a soothing balm to my soul even though sometimes it makes me deal honestly with some of the hardest crap I otherwise manage to avoid or push away.  It's in my heart to write and to share.  I'd be honored if you would join me in prayer about helping that come to fruition in a bigger way.

I am under gobs of stress right now, if you have seen any of my previous posts you probably know that.  A summary...my Daddy's mind is being stolen from him by his Alzheimers.  It is a mean disease.  My precious Granny is in an extraordinary hospice and in the process of dying.  (she is 98).  I am so sad for my Momma because your Momma is your Momma no matter the age and she is experiencing great loss all around her.  We are very close to heading into arbitration with a business we have had great trouble with and my sweet husband is having a really rough time...which equates to our marriage having a tough time.

I am up and then I am down and somedays I am spinning round and round.  I have had some gut wrenching, horribly painful, disgustingly ugly freak out moments and I'm sure there are more lurking in here.  What I also have had are some of the most comforting God kisses and moments of being held by Him than I have ever felt.  Ever.  I have been surrounded by encouragement, wisdom,  love, hard questions, truth, hugs and sharing.  When I get caught up in the 'what if's', as I often do...I am reminding myself of the 'Who is'.  When my heart is empty and I am an afraid little girl, I have cried out for God to fill me up and I have been overcome with His presence and glory.  I am doing more than surviving, I am living.  In some ways I feel my feet have been knocked out from under me and in some ways I am seeing more clearly who I am, how I am to be treated and how deeply I am loved.  My mantra....I have to feel the pain to truly feel the joy.

I don't write big details about my Daddy out of respect for he and my Momma.  I feel he deserves to be treated with dignity and respect.  I have many funny stories, and some not so funny that I journal about and hope to share one day when the time is right.  Today, I want to share about part of a day (today) spent with my Daddy.  My Momma is sitting with my Granny, and I'm thankful she can be there.  I am thankful that I got to take off work and be here.  It's been a really good day for him today.  Thankful for every good moment.

I have always known my Daddy loves me.  I needed tires, gas, money, a big hug and to feel pretty, he's always been my biggest fan.  In that way I have been his little princess.  In the way of conversations we  rarely shared anything on a deep, emotional level.  I think that's part the generation he grew up in and in part how he was raised.  But....I always knew he loved me the best way he knows how and I know he is the very best earthly Daddy for me.  As a result of all of this, during this crappy Alzheimers progression, I feel closer to my Dad than I ever have.  I am honored to hold his hand, hear his sweet heart (and sometimes his angry words), listen to him voice in the way he can how scary this disease is, and have him love my children generously and joke with them in childlike innocence.  Their are gifts here, even in this blech disease.  I also get to know my siblings on a whole new level as we band together to care for the what is and that too is an awesome gift.  That was a little background....

This morning, we went to the grocery store.  My Dad shuffled through, holding my hand the entire time as he helped me shop and remarked several times how amazing and big this store is.  He wanted me to buy peanut butter because he said he's always wanted to try it but never has.  (I don't think this is true but I certainly got the peanut butter...just in case).  After that, we went to the park to enjoy the glorious weather and feed the ducks.  We conversed with a Grandma and her two 4 year old grandchildren....they are preparing for pre k.  I was struck by the similarities in growing up and in growing away...young and old....new doors to walk through in those stages and in between.  We took a walk around the trail but stopped to read every dedication sign under every tree we could find and we checked out every dog and owner we could.  When we were done, we stopped at Starbucks despite Dad saying repeatedly he wasn't thirsty (he was hot and I felt he needed a drink).  I got him an iced green tea and after one sip, he said it tasted like Heaven.  

We came home, put the groceries away and ate some eggplant parmigiana that I made with my garden eggplant.  It was so yummy, but the cool thing is that my Dad thinks all the food I cook his yummy.  (As a matter of fact, as I type, Dad is eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (his first, of course) for a snack and he is quite impressed with my cooking abilities once more!)  As we ate lunch, I saw the familiar lost look flash across his eyes.  He was just telling me how this ('what's this thing he has?'  'demenita'.  'oh yea')  thing is so strange because one minute he is clear as day and the next minute everything is different and he doesn't know what is going on.  Anyway, he started telling me how lucky he and his wife were because they had really great kids and 31 grandkids!  We discussed his navy days and how he was an aircraft carrier on the USS Bennington (CVA 20).  He talked about the home he grew up in and his school days.  He recalls these items with intricate detail.  And then he tells me I look familiar, like my eyes are like his eyes....but he can't quite place me.  Then he tells me about his daughter Sarah....and my heart was so touched that I had to share.

His story..."Sarah is a peach.  (I laugh because my husband always called me peaches in our early days).  Sarah is married to Nate.  I used to not think much of him but I sure do like him.  He's good to my Sarah and he's smart, intelligent - he's even adding onto their house.  You should see the floor he has put in.  They have two kids.  The boy, John, he's little but he's strong.  He plays ball.  The girl - Stella, she's just like her Momma and looks like her too.  Sarah works at some organization where she helps the less fortunate, she does a whole lot of good to a whole bunch of somebodies.  And then Nathan, he kind of does the same thing but he works for that school in Dallas (how my Dad refers to Pathways).  My Mother loved Sarah dearly.  It's my impression that they (Nate and Sarah) both work their rears off to help others.  (Again, he stops to tell me how familiar I look and asks my name.  I tell him Sarah-he continues with the conversation).  I just have nothing but praise for them.  (I stand to gather his dish and he stops to tell me I look a little younger when I'm standing).  That Sarah, she'll do anything for you...we went to the grocery store today and she bought a box of groceries 10 feet wide, she's an excellent cook and she took me to feed the ducks and the catfish.  You need to get ahold of her work because every time I talk to them they have nothing but praise for her.  I'll tell you this...everybody who meets Sarah likes her and everyone who knows her loves her."

Can I tell you what this conversation did for my heart?  Great medicine.  I have to sign off now, my Dad needs me to help him call his kids....maybe I could get ahold of Sarah?

Shame

I am realizing more and more how big of a role shame plays in my life.  I am writing often in my personal journal and I am compiling those writings into what I someday pray is a book.  Then I will share the story of my A to B....until then, there are some things I feel compelled to share because they are so heavy on my heart. 

Life is hard, we all know that.  I am battling right now to learn to love myself, and I have blogged about that very topic recently.  I decided on a whim yesterday (more of a Holy Spirit whim I believe) to gift myself with 30 days of being kind to myself.  Life is out of control and as always, I'm not in control of life.  I am however, the manager of my life and I do have choices to make beauty out of the hands dealt. 

My nice thing to myself yesterday (day one) was to pick fresh veggies and herbs from my garden.  We had ripe red tomatoes, beautiful white Casper eggplants and narrow Ping ting lang (or something) purple eggplants; there were green bell peppers, and red sweet peppers.  After photographing the gorgeous colors, I chopped, chopped, chopped my worries away.  John came into the kitchen and asked to help.  He has a big relator heart and likes to do things side by side, though as he enters pre adolescence he becomes too cool to join in these activities at times.  That said, I was thrilled to have his sweet presence in that moment.  I added an onion and fresh garlic and John opened cans of tomato sauce.  I watched him sauté the veggies in a bit of olive oil and then I let him pour the hot veggies into the tomato sauce.  Lastly, I went out into the pouring rain just to pick fresh basil, thyme and oregano.  I am glad I did, if only to see the delight on John's face while he inhaled the fragrance of each herb as he added them to the sauce.  We poured it all into the crockpot, simmered it all day so the house smelled intoxicatingly delicious and tonight we enjoyed the sauce with spaghetti and meatballs.  So much of this meal had nourished my heart before I ever tasted it.  So there...that was my number one kindness to myself.

A nice thing that happened to me yesterday is that I was surrounded in a safe place with love, hope, prayers, tears and heart medicine.  I was in a place where it was okay to be vulnerable, okay to be afraid and encouraged through my tears.

Day  two is today, I woke up and my first thought was 'Oh no, I have to do something nice for me today and I really don't have time.'  I decided to place it in God's hands and see where I needed to be kind to myself today.  And the gift I gave me was not quite as easy as yesterday's kindness.  At three o'clock today, I walked into Weight Watchers.  It felt like the billionth time, the billionth failure.  The minute I stepped on the scale I told the clerk that I did not want to know my weight.  I told her briefly about my current stress, I was desperate to seek my way out of shame and of needing to be here again.  Needing to be here again means I am engaged in the same struggle not just of being overweight but of being stressed, shamed, disappointed and undeserving.  She was kind to me.  She told me my point amount for each day and I knew that was way higher than I wanted.  The minute I got in the car, I looked at the number on the scale and I felt sad.   I was not going to tell anyone that I had joined again, I was just going to try in secret.  In my secret shame.  And then I thought about the impact of the Brene Brown books I am reading and decided to do different and speak of my shame.  Maybe that really will help some of it's power diminish.

After work, I actually attended the Weight Watchers meeting.  I walked in with an attitude of 'here I go again' and my self defeating tapes began to play.  I stayed pretty disengaged until close to the end of the meeting and the leader (who I thought had very kind eyes) asked what we were going to do different this week.  I am sure she meant something like 'drink more water', 'track meals', 'exercise', and so I did as I do and gave the unique answer.  I held back my tears the best I could as I said that I could not believe I was here again.  I spoke of my shame and of my embarrassment.  Several people turned and looked at me and I did not see judgment, I saw compassion. 

Then, the lovely thing that happened to me today....After the meeting, a very sweet woman and her daughter came to introduce themselves.  The woman asked me if I struggled loving myself and she said that she had struggled for years to love herself.  She had tears in her eyes and hugged me tight.  And I knew I was in the right place and that I had everything I needed in that moment.  Several people told me that I was beautiful.  That was hard for me to hear.  I know my spirit is beautiful but my self image right now is that I am pretty icky.  It is my goal to learn to not just love my heart but to love my body as is.  I still want to lose these ugly pounds but with them I want to lose the ugly self hatred I have because it holds me back in my confidence.

So....I have been well loved and the love I have received has been found in the most surprising of places.  I am hurting.  I am thankful and I have a glimmer of hope mixed in with my sadness.  God is good to us.

Peace and blessings to you.....

Little girl lost

Vulnerable.  Raw.  Intentional.  Real.  Clarified.  Pure.  Inspirational.  Life giving.  Joyful.  Feeling.  Truthful.  Peaceful.  Confident.  Radiant.  Glory giving.  Loving.  Gracious.  Thankful.  Delightful.

These are some of the things I long to be.  I long to live out of my heart and I yearn to be recognized as different and beautiful in my uniqueness. 

I adore sunflowers, zinnias, peonies, wild flowers....they are just little God kisses to me.  The colors, shapes, the way they open to greet the morning sun and the way they hang their sweet heads for a rest when then sun goes down....lessons in the flowers.  God's artwork.  I love them so. I want to learn myself every bit as much.  I want to see the good, deep and soulful beauty in me and I want to bring a smile to my own face the way the sunflowers do.  Mostly right now, I look in the mirror and I hate what I see on the outside.  I know the inside of me is growing and stretching and it's a painful time.  .  I want to be congruent with who God created me to be.  I want to go deep with him and jump into his arms with open heart and NO abandon.  Wild and free, moving with the wind that is God.  Leaning into the storms and standing tall in the sun.

God keeps on bringing us lessons until we get it....that's what I believe anyway.  Not to be mean, not to taunt us - rather to prepare us for the next level.  The beautiful sunflower stands noble in the light.  It stands taller than me and shows off it's many yellow hues with the soft brown of the seeds contrasting in extraordinary ways.  I remember the day John, Stella and I planted those little bitty seeds in the garden boxes Nathan and Ethan built us.  I was so excited to see what would come of them, I had no idea they would be so glorious.  I hope God sees his glory when he sees me.  Actually, I believe he does.  I just want to see the same and kind of I want the world to see the same.  I want to stand tall.  I want to write.  I want to touch people's hearts through my writing.  I dream of being a published writer.  I journal.  I blog.  These are my seeds.  I look in the mirror and even when I see ugly, I recognize there is a light hiding in my eyes and I cherish that....another seed.  Tonight I was still.enough.to.know.that.He.is.God.  And in that place my little girl me and I reconnected.  She's special.  I'm special.  So many times in this big ole' world I lose sight of her - but always she is here waiting for me to love her.  To love her Now.  In spite of what is or what is not.  That's my recurring theme.  Learning to love myself.

I read this yesterday..."Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is he bravest thing that we will ever do."  -  Brene Brown, 'Gifts of Imperfection'  I thought I owned my story but I'm wondering how much of my story owns me?  Loving myself though the process of owning my story....that is what I am committed to learning to do.  After all, I am a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical, whole and surrendered woman basking in the warmth of God's sunshine and an engaged and trusting Momma.  I have bought into the lie again that when life is so painful as it sometimes is, I am no longer that person.  I will learn to love myself as God loves me...through the process.  Little girl me will not forever be lost.

beauty

Hidden Rainbows

Life is a journey, not a destination....and lately it has been a tough sort of journey.  I am looking for the rainbows every day, because they are there.  I am also acknowledging the fears, the hurts, the sorrows and the pain.  I must, for if I did not recognize those things how would I know that the rainbow is truly a rainbow?

I went for my every 6 month cardiology appointment on Monday.  Strange and new adventure for me amongst the familiar.  I did not have the crazy anxiety I have always had weeks before, at least not in the forefront.  I had a 'flat' sort of  mood the days before, kind of a drawn into myself fussy mood.  That probably wasn't any better than the familiar anxiety but I honestly am trying to be at a peaceful place.  Maybe I've come to realize God really does have this (my life) and I can let go.  The BUT is once I realize this as my truth, I attempt to take control of something other than my own life.  Ahhh....growth is only hard, right? 

 I laid on that cold table for my EKG and considered how although times have changed they are still the same.  There is no scrubbing of the skin with sandpaper and there are no huge amounts of goo that linger on your skin for days after.  The EKG takes only minutes.  There is no huge machine brought in the room where I can hear the reading of my heart rhythms going on, there is a little laptop that neatly prints out little paper with my big results.  There is the uber quiet technician that I have never met before and try desperately to engage in conversation as invades my personal space with her many little sticky patches on my body.  There is the recognition of the always cold table I am laying still on.  There is the intense self awareness of my own invincibility as I lay quietly, so not in control of my surroundings or outcome. 

My favorite are (not) the niceties as the Dr. comes in and asks the routine questions that make my tummy cringe and my skin crawl.  Any shortness of breath?  Any chest pain?  Fainting spells?  Dizziness? Swelling?  No, no, no, no and no! 

But hey Dr.....my house is in crazy chaos and we are about to go through arbitration with the company we have been struggling with for nearly a year.  And, hey Dr., Alzheimer's is invading every inch of my Daddy and I am losing him.  Also Dr., my Momma is so sad and so strong and I hate that I really can do nothing to stop her pain and bring my Daddy back and make my Granny well.  Oh, and I think I have gained a lot of weight and I can't seem to focus on accomplishing anything fully at home and I say horribly ugly things to myself when I look in the mirror.  So, dear Dr......can you hear me screaming inside?  Oh...no?  I didn't think so.  Okay...we'll just stick to the subject at hand and I will walk out of here feeling as exhausted as I am and we'll call it good.

I know someone will wonder (or at least I would) so I'm going to throw this in.  My heart healthy looks great.  There are no changes in the EKG and my Dr.  (truly a wonderful cardiologist) says that after my visit in the fall we will probably go back to annual visits rather than  bi annual.  Lastly, he didn't see the need to do any of the tests I HATE right now (although I am thankful for the knowledge they provide).  Dr. says that we can go back to only doing those every 2 or three years.  For all of these things, I am beyond grateful.  I have to promise to call if anything feels weird of course, and I promised.  I am the queen of feeling weird, but I think I understand what he means. 

Okay...so what did I leave the dr. office with?  Lots of gratitude for a good report and lots of praise for my God.  Lots of sorrow for my parents and still grieving for what was and what 'should've/could've' been.  Betrayed feelings over our house situation and of course, a good dose of shame and self hatred for how I've let myself go. 

The rainbows....A great report from the Dr.!  (although my first great report was the lack of huge anxiety and the peace about going...no it was not 100% but it was very different for me).  I have my Mom and I have my Dad; I have their love for me and my love for them.  My husband and my children....it is a hard time in our marriage, stress abounds.  However, the love I feel in my little family pushes and pulls me through this life.  Friends, nephews, nieces, furry friends, a HOME that cannot be taken by anyone b/c it is in our hearts, shelter, food, clothing, a career I really do enjoy, my garden, the hum of the fan, being not hurt in a car wreck this week (no one was hurt = thankfulness),  my nephew Ethan gets to go SKY DIVING today, and the list goes on. 

My heart aches.  My heart rejoices.  Ebbs and flows.  This is life.  Thankfulness in the happy, gratitude in the sorrow and we keep on going..................

Find your rainbows and hang on tight.

Digging deep and finding peace

Here is my heart....raw as all get out.  Tears are flowing and I will do nothing to stop them....in fact I have been praying for time to let my sorrow out in a healthy way so I can find some healing and forgiveness.  I feel horribly sad, broken and lost.  I want my whole Daddy back.  I want my Momma to have health, joy and freedom.  I want to not be in Hell with the contractors over work that has been done in our home.  I want worry free days and a light heart.  I want to not believe that my babies are already becoming third and sixth graders.  I want the addicts in my life to find a life apart from their addictions...a life full of joy.  I want broken families mended, I want lost friendships restored, I want spiritual wounds magically gone.  I want to have our summer babysitting worked out.  And while I'm at it...I want a fenced yard and a more comfortable toilet seat.  I want sick people healed, I want to fight the good fight and run the good race but I'm so tired of the fight and I just want peace.  So here I am.....reminded that I live in a world that is not my home but nonetheless a world with people and things I've come to love.  Trying to lean into the hard and truly feel what I feel but also trying to not lose my peace and my happy.  Not wanting to fall into a dark space so I'm trying to make sure my heart is still filled with light....reality vs. wonderland.  I'm stuck in between.  I make myself vulnerable in my writing and I know this leaves me wide open for both negative criticisms and healthy feedback....it's okay. 

 I thought before today that I was my own worst critic but I see now that people can say twisted and ugly things, and even though I know how untrue they are, they hurt. I found this out through words that an old 'friend' wrote of me.   My least favorite was this...(said of me after I had quoted an experienced architect - which the author apparently thought was my own wording...lol)  "This is just another example of how she likes to act like she actually knows what she's talking about...it would be safe to assume her brother was probably whispering in her ear as she was writing."  OUCH!  Why ouch?  I always knew I was intelligent.  More perceptive and emotionally intelligent than anything....but that wasn't necessarily something I viewed as a strength.  After my big ole stroke, I felt extremely incompetent and broken....stupid was my favorite word for myself.  I have worked long and hard to understand that though my mind may be different, I am by no means stupid....nor was I ever.  As a matter of fact, I have only gained deeper perspective on the preciousness of life and bigger love for people and their hearts than ever before. I still suck at math.  But given the options...I am grateful for the outcome.  And, fyi, if my big brother had been whispering in my ear, I should've been listening.  He obviously cared more about the outcome than the writer on the other side.  Anyway, I've been playing this tape loud today....stupid stupid stupid.  And as I write I am beginning to have a small calm in my heart about who I really am and who I really belong to....now I must work on remembering that though this process is crazy unpleasant, it is my God that has the outcome in his hands.  And it's not just the outcome he has...it's the whole process, it's us.  Why do I forget this so quickly?

Once upon a time, in the midst of darkness, I was asked to write a list of 65 things I was grateful for.  I think I will do that now...I couldn't imagine doing it when I started writing tonight but if anyone can change my heart and attitude it is my God.
1.  Chirping birds
2.  My sweet garden
3.  Safety from the storms
4.  My Daddy's hands that I can hold
5.  My precious Momma supplying us with dinner tonight
6.  Time to cry, time to process, time to pray, time to forgive, time to heal and time to hear who I really am
7.  Nathan Tronnier, my calm and handsome love
8.  Stella Pearl my sunshine girl
9.  John Bradley whom I love so madly
10.  Ethan's symphony
11.  Maple, Rusty, Froggy and Shrek
12.  Amazing nieces and nephews that light up my world
13.  Sisters and brothers that have my heart
14.  Kevin's life
15.  Brent's life
16.  A jelly belly (well...I don't love the belly but I love that it grew a John and Stella in there)
17.  That God loves me even when I'm whiny, sad, distrustful and mad....and when I'm happy, sunshiny, sparkly and joyful.
18. A home filled with love
19.  A job that lets me 'be the change I want to see.'
20.  Cool, morning grass and bare feet
21.  open windows with fresh, breezy air
22.  Smelling clean laundry
23.  Caramel ribbon frappucino's
24.  A church with LIFE
25.  A beautiful Sunday night class
26.  Friends I have and friends I've lost, both touch my life
27.  Pathways core training
28.  Dallas loves
29.  The Sun, the moon, the stars, the seasons
30.  My new True Rose candle
31.  The last day of school
32.  Summer chill time
33.  trees and flowers, mud and clear waters
34.  My little girl in the forest
35.  The gift of gab
36.  Tears
37.  Laughter
38.  Memories and moments
39.  porch sitting
40.  Cooking
41.  fresh out of the dryer cotton sheets on my bed
42.  A bath that is just the right temperature and a pillow that your head is in just the right spot on after the bath
43.  The smell of pink peonies wafting through the yard
44.  Choices
45.  Encouragement and wisdom
46.  New life, old life and in between life
47.  A hurting heart so I can appreciate a renewed heart
48.  Truth
49.  The Better Business Bureau
50.  Granny sweet Granny
51.  Wise Auntie
52.  Hugs
53.  Kisses....of course
54.  Sleeping naked in the fresh washed cotton sheets
55.  Family snuggles and movie nights in bed (not on the naked nights)
56.  My cute little Kia sportage - Kiki
57.  Giving back
58.  Learning to take my 'medicine' with a happy heart
59.  Knowledge and discernment
60.  Breathing
61.  Music
62.  Growing
63.  Loving and being authentic
64.  Scrabble
65.  Bubbles...to blow or in the bath


I sit amazed at the peace I feel.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you friends.  Keep praying, please.