I am feeling these tonight....
shame, distrust in myself, sadness, guilt, fear, worries, doubt, anger, a lack of hope.....all of these.
I believe feelings can lie and so I am working hard to exchange the shame and distrust for confidence; the guilt for forgiveness; the sadness for joy; the fear, worries and doubt for trust; the anger with compassion and the lack of hope with the faith that my God has big, bold, beautiful plans for me.
I am at the same choicepoint I often find myself loving others through. I know this place personally as well. Can I acknowledge all of these ick feelings and allow myself to feel the weight of them for a moment and then LET GO so I may move forward? I can...sure. Will I? Perhaps I should linger in the suckiness for a little while and fight what I am feeling...stuff it down or mask it. Choicepoint. Since I have learned the hard way that the latter never leads to a place of peace, I am going to focus on the first option. I'm even going to openly write about it here in the gentle hope that I will find relief in sharing with an authentic, open heart and another will find an "I'm not alone" comfort in reading.
I quit my full time job (that I loved) at the beginning of this summer. I felt so strongly that God was leading me in that direction and my heart knew it was best for my family and I. I didn't know what was next and I kind of still don't. I had big plans to sell meals and baked goods as well as provide childcare this summer. I accomplished maybe a quarter of what I had 'planned'. This means we were back to being a one income family for the summer. Quite honestly, we had not budgeted at all for this change.
Instead of carrying out all of my plans, I focused on the healing of my heart, on loving my parents, on the recovery of our family and on letting God and everyone else love us. It's been tough at times, nonetheless, we are traveling down a healtier road in our marriage and as a family and there is nothing more worthwhile than that healing is right now. Thus, the result in that area is priceless and a God gift.
That said, tonight this flood of negative emotions is an outcome of the stress I am experiencing because of the choice I made in trust to quit working full time. Honestly, although I quit in trust and I did not naively think everything would come easy, my plans to help us through didn't happen and we have struggled. We have had help and I despise that at 42 years of age we need help. I have conversations with myself about resuming full time work, yet in my heart there is no peace in that option. I believe that our son needs me home for the hour he is out of school before our daughter gets home. I believe that I need afternoons to help my parents however I can and to take care of our home. I know we are fragile and still in recovery mode. I know my part time job at the school is exactly where I am supposed to be right now. I love the students, my coworkers, friends...every bit of it. I also know that if we can't pay our bills it's not a great thing.
I know God has this covered but I feel an incredible amount of trepidation about what I am supposed to do now. I am also having such trouble with forgiveness and letting go when it comes to our mortgage loan (where a huge chunk of our income goes every month). This is so hard because we are here every day to see the chaotic environment, the damage done to our home, the work that remains to be done and corrections that need made. A very personal struggle to me.
I have a load of guilt for daring to complain about any of this. I wonder if I am grieving God's spirit with my whining. Why do I have such a lack of success at letting go of everything? I have practiced surrender over and over and over again. I guess I'm gonna have to practice it some more, probably for a lifetime.
Last week, one of my kindergarten friends showed me the picture he drew. I asked him to tell me about it. He said, "it shows how rich my family is, we have diamonds, new cars, lots of jewelry and fancy furniture." I acknowledged his hard work and told him that my family was rich as well, but in different ways. I said, "we have love, joy, faith, trust, compasstion and fun." I truly believe that and know we are a privileged people.
It is an honor to live this life, this I know, yet in my humanness I struggle. I don't want a magic wand, I am willing to work HARD. Truly, right now I want my Daddy's assurance that everything will work out. I want my Momma to not worry about us. I want to know with peace and confidence that everything will be okay...that it IS okay already. I want that....yesterday. :)
There it is....my current struggle. I would love you to cover our family in prayers.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
My hearts prayer
Shhhh.
Dearest God,
I give you this school year. I give you these times. They seem so very daunting. I know there is so much more to be done and only one of me. My notions of what I can accomplish in two days are unrealistic and it is my human inclination to pile one task upon another until I am so overwhelmed there will not be success no matter how much I do. So, Lord, can I just give my time to you? I will be the hands and feet if you will just direct my path. Can you help me still my busy mind and will you please grant peace to my chaotic heart?
I give you my babies....John and Stella...okay, I give you your babies and I thank you for the gift they are in my life. The smiles, the laughter, the sunshine, the screaming, the tears, the attitudes, the scared feelings that I get when I think I am ruining them, the sacred souls that they are....I hand them back to you. Please cover them with your love and God, please, please let them walk in the light. I ask that you surround them with those who know you until they are strong in their faith...and then let them surround those that need to know you. These children, they teach me so much more about life and myself than I ever knew; help me be the best Momma to them I can be. Help me help them love you.
I give you my beautiful nieces and nephews....the originals and the greats. They have blessed my life and they make it richer every day. Walk with them, hold them when they need held and let them see you BIG. These are my first and last babies God, and I treasure them and thank you for them daily.
They are young people, some with old souls, some fresh and innocent, some with hurting and wounded hearts. Care for them and show them how to care for others as you would.
I give you my brothers and my sisters. These people that I share the greatest similarities and the greatest differences with make my world a better place. They have known my joys and my sorrows, and I have known theirs. Let us love each other fully, know each other deeply and remain united always. I love these precious hearts and am grateful for all they have taught/teach me. There is no love like theirs.
I pray for my Auntie. I love her very much. She always knows when a heart is hurting and I know her own heart has ached since my Uncle died. I don't even know what to ask God. Hold her always, love her earnestly. Surround her with love, always.
I give you my precious Momma and sweet Daddy. Help me care for them as they have cared for me. Help me treat them with the dignity and respect that they truly deserve. Sometimes, I am tired and my Momma especially gets the icky of me, help me work on that. God, these times are tough. I need to know that you are holding my Daddy in your arms through his disease and that you are loving my Momma in the most beautiful of ways. Show my Momma her beauty and strength. Help her know how much she is cherished by us and by you.
I give you my marriage. You know God, this one is tough. Last year was ugly and now you are blessing us with the restoration I prayed for. Let us help continue rebuilding and help us be that couple that truly can say how much stronger we were after the infidelity. I love Nathan. He is my heart. Help me unclench my fists and hand him over to you. (Funny...I know you already have him, so my holding on is useless). Pursue his heart in a way that he knows with his eyes, with his ears, with his heart and with his feelings that YOU ARE REAL and that you always have and always will love him. Help me trust, help me let go and let YOU! God, I know you have a plan for us and I trust we didn't go through muck for nothing. Let us be the light. Let us tell our story where it counts. Let us be your vessels of healing. Please.
I give you my friends and I give you my non friends. I mention them together because I know we are all your kids and you love us all the same. I thank you for each of their presences in my life. Even when I wished they weren't ever in my life, you had a purpose and for that I will be forever thankful. Help me be a friend who very clearly is walking with you God, and help me show others your love, light and joy. For my non friends.....frenemies.....enemies.....they are your treasure too God. Help me remember that everyone deserves to be reconciled to you, this does not equate with me having to reconcile with everyone. Help me live out forgiveness, mercy and grace and help me ask for it when I need it.
Lastly God, I give you those walking in your light and joy. That they may be thankful for you always. I pray for those hurting and wounded hearts that feel like there is no hope. Show them hope God, show them love.
Thank you for listening God. Thank you for loving me. It's ALL in your hands.
In Jesus name I gratefully pray,
Amen.
Sarah
Dearest God,
I give you this school year. I give you these times. They seem so very daunting. I know there is so much more to be done and only one of me. My notions of what I can accomplish in two days are unrealistic and it is my human inclination to pile one task upon another until I am so overwhelmed there will not be success no matter how much I do. So, Lord, can I just give my time to you? I will be the hands and feet if you will just direct my path. Can you help me still my busy mind and will you please grant peace to my chaotic heart?
I give you my babies....John and Stella...okay, I give you your babies and I thank you for the gift they are in my life. The smiles, the laughter, the sunshine, the screaming, the tears, the attitudes, the scared feelings that I get when I think I am ruining them, the sacred souls that they are....I hand them back to you. Please cover them with your love and God, please, please let them walk in the light. I ask that you surround them with those who know you until they are strong in their faith...and then let them surround those that need to know you. These children, they teach me so much more about life and myself than I ever knew; help me be the best Momma to them I can be. Help me help them love you.
I give you my beautiful nieces and nephews....the originals and the greats. They have blessed my life and they make it richer every day. Walk with them, hold them when they need held and let them see you BIG. These are my first and last babies God, and I treasure them and thank you for them daily.
They are young people, some with old souls, some fresh and innocent, some with hurting and wounded hearts. Care for them and show them how to care for others as you would.
I give you my brothers and my sisters. These people that I share the greatest similarities and the greatest differences with make my world a better place. They have known my joys and my sorrows, and I have known theirs. Let us love each other fully, know each other deeply and remain united always. I love these precious hearts and am grateful for all they have taught/teach me. There is no love like theirs.
I pray for my Auntie. I love her very much. She always knows when a heart is hurting and I know her own heart has ached since my Uncle died. I don't even know what to ask God. Hold her always, love her earnestly. Surround her with love, always.
I give you my precious Momma and sweet Daddy. Help me care for them as they have cared for me. Help me treat them with the dignity and respect that they truly deserve. Sometimes, I am tired and my Momma especially gets the icky of me, help me work on that. God, these times are tough. I need to know that you are holding my Daddy in your arms through his disease and that you are loving my Momma in the most beautiful of ways. Show my Momma her beauty and strength. Help her know how much she is cherished by us and by you.
I give you my marriage. You know God, this one is tough. Last year was ugly and now you are blessing us with the restoration I prayed for. Let us help continue rebuilding and help us be that couple that truly can say how much stronger we were after the infidelity. I love Nathan. He is my heart. Help me unclench my fists and hand him over to you. (Funny...I know you already have him, so my holding on is useless). Pursue his heart in a way that he knows with his eyes, with his ears, with his heart and with his feelings that YOU ARE REAL and that you always have and always will love him. Help me trust, help me let go and let YOU! God, I know you have a plan for us and I trust we didn't go through muck for nothing. Let us be the light. Let us tell our story where it counts. Let us be your vessels of healing. Please.
I give you my friends and I give you my non friends. I mention them together because I know we are all your kids and you love us all the same. I thank you for each of their presences in my life. Even when I wished they weren't ever in my life, you had a purpose and for that I will be forever thankful. Help me be a friend who very clearly is walking with you God, and help me show others your love, light and joy. For my non friends.....frenemies.....enemies.....they are your treasure too God. Help me remember that everyone deserves to be reconciled to you, this does not equate with me having to reconcile with everyone. Help me live out forgiveness, mercy and grace and help me ask for it when I need it.
Lastly God, I give you those walking in your light and joy. That they may be thankful for you always. I pray for those hurting and wounded hearts that feel like there is no hope. Show them hope God, show them love.
Thank you for listening God. Thank you for loving me. It's ALL in your hands.
In Jesus name I gratefully pray,
Amen.
Sarah
Monday, August 4, 2014
My heart's journey, this morning....
I have spent the last few days grumpy, sad, burdened and at a loss for what to do. Our dear friends lost their precious 18 year old son this week. Christian took his own life on July 31, 2014, also the 27 year anniversary of my brother Brent's death. A painful day and somehow still, a day to rejoice. Rejoice not in death, of course. Death stings and leaves us with an inexplicable void. The rejoice is in the celebration of the life had for a season and in the life that is to come. However, right now, we are all in pain, it's the heartbreak that overwhelms and the new reality that stings. There are other things making my heart sad, but in no way do they compare.
I find as life overwhelms and as I begin to grip (opposite of letting go) everything painful again, my connection with God becomes distant. Certainly not severed, though there have been times I have felt that too. Just distant. The opposite of whole...broken. The opposite of surrendered... controlling. The opposite of brave...retreating. The opposite of truly happy....mask wearing. The opposite of whimsical...oppressed and tight. The opposite of worthy...self hatred. The opposite of loved by God...the lies Satan feeds my tired human self. The opposite of basking in God's sunshine...bathing in the darkness. Get it? A pretty solemn picture.
My heart feels broken when I think of Christian and how his heart mustv'e felt during his last days and hours on earth. I wonder how deep was his sense of hoplessness and despair? I wonder if he thought that the life of others would somehow be better without his presence. And, oh, how I desperately wish I, we, anyone could've been the light for him, the hope, the love. I don't know if he would've allowed that. Then there is the guilt along with countless unanswered questions. As I discovered on my walk this morning, at least for me, there is also a little anger and resentment toward God (maybe even a whole lot).
I love Christian. I have loved him since he was in his Momma's tummy. My favorite memory of him is when we went to visit them in Dallas many moons ago. Christian was about two. We were outside and he was wearing a black leather jacket and jeans. He was full of toddler energy, feisty and affectionate with the best giggle. We blew bubbles for what seemed like forever. He giggled the whole time (except when he spat on one of us...some of us still giggled)! He was joyful and free and I believe that he is joyful and free now....but I miss him. I wonder why this isn't one of the times when God chose to swoosh in and save the day...to save Christian. I wondered why He didn't do this the whole last year as well. He didn't though, and that's that.
I love/hate Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I love it because I know I can 100% stand on God's promise that there will be good, and I know nothing is wasted. I hate it because no where does it say that God and I will have the same idea of good nor does He promise to give me all my requested answers. So God didn't allow things to happen in a way that I think I would think is best...but again, he's got the panoramic view and I have the snapshot. He is God, I am not.
I know His love remains steady in joy and in pain. I picture Christian right now as little boy Christian in the black leather jacket blowing bubbles and giggling.....with God....with angels....with his grandparents and his little sister Trinity. I am pretty certain God wept when Christian wept, that he weeps with those hurting now and that he will rejoice with us when we rejoice.
The time I used to spend on daily walks was a special time of connection for me and God. Since these walks were times of connections and I have totally avoided them for a good solid year, it makes sense that my closeness with God feels a bit fizzled. I mean, He is here. We chat all day and sometimes all night long. I don't do a whole lot of being still and I sure don't do much listening. I am determined to care for myself and the most significant part of that is making time for God and I and our walks a priority. This morning, I begrudgingly put my tennis shoes on right after I brushed my teeth...and a bra. That's about it. The pajamas and the attitude remained. I grabbed ear plugs, my phone and headed out into the already humid morning.
Ten minutes. That's it. I only had to walk 10 minutes....it's a start. I walked slowly at first, my head swarming with lists and lists of to do's and should have dones. The sun was pretty and peeking from behind the trees, but it was HOT! (Did I mention sweating is not my thing?) Nothing in the worship music I heard really caught my attention. (Bear with me, because the post is way less about me and way more about God and sweet Christian). As I walked, some of the words to songs begin to seep in, until the song about putting my trust in Jesus came on. The tears began to flow and I let God know how angry I was, how sad, and how messed up this is. I prayed for everyone, including me....I could feel a small wall I was keeping up between God and I. I asked Him how in the world I was supposed to put my trust in someone who allows this to happen. God didn't reach down and scoop me up out of the pain, he didn't yell at me for being angry, he didn't stop my tears....nothing. I heard nothing, and then I knew...time to shhhh. So I walked, and I cried and the Holy Spirit began to fill my grumpy heart with something close to joy...coming in gentle waves, warming my heart and softenining my borders. I stopped trying to ask question, I stopped talking, I just soaked in the lovlieness I could feel.
I was going to head back home but I felt one more round would be nice and maybe a song would come on that would be medicine to my heart. (I had not looked at the clock once, that alone tells me I was entering a place of God and Sarah time). I asked God to reveal himself to me because I was really needing him. (It's more like asking him to help me open the eyes of my heart, to surrender and feel Him, for He never left me in at all.)
As I turned to make another loop, the song "I'll fly away" came on. This song is immensely special to me on many levels. I laughed out loud. I held my hands out like wings and I closed my eyes, spinning and imagining I was flying. (No neighbor called the police on me, for this I am thankful). Christian was on my heart this whole time, joyful, free, smiling. When I opened my eyes and turned around, I was standing in rays of sunshine beaming down. Rusty (our golden retriever) and Maple (our special girl) had spotted me from a block away and were running, running, running toward me. I bent down and called them by name. They practically knocked me over because they were so happy to see me. (nevermind that I had seen them less than an hour before). Christian, again in my heart....I thought of God welcoming him with the most beautiful joy Christian had ever experienced. I thought of Christian running, running, running toward God for an embrace from his heavenly father that he had been waiting for his whole life. My heart smiled and gave thanks for the way God spoke to it this morning.
Please pray for Christian's sweet and hurting family and friends. This pain is deep. So deep. There has been a fund set up for Christian, this will cover funeral and burial expenses, medical bills and whatever else is needed at this time. If you go to http://www.gofundme.com/christian-snyder, donations can me made. I'm sure every little bit helps.
God bless.
Sarah
p.s. Nathan had posted the following bro tip on his fb wall the night before Christian died....it says
"If only for a second, stop and appreciate the fact that you're alive."
So true.
I find as life overwhelms and as I begin to grip (opposite of letting go) everything painful again, my connection with God becomes distant. Certainly not severed, though there have been times I have felt that too. Just distant. The opposite of whole...broken. The opposite of surrendered... controlling. The opposite of brave...retreating. The opposite of truly happy....mask wearing. The opposite of whimsical...oppressed and tight. The opposite of worthy...self hatred. The opposite of loved by God...the lies Satan feeds my tired human self. The opposite of basking in God's sunshine...bathing in the darkness. Get it? A pretty solemn picture.
My heart feels broken when I think of Christian and how his heart mustv'e felt during his last days and hours on earth. I wonder how deep was his sense of hoplessness and despair? I wonder if he thought that the life of others would somehow be better without his presence. And, oh, how I desperately wish I, we, anyone could've been the light for him, the hope, the love. I don't know if he would've allowed that. Then there is the guilt along with countless unanswered questions. As I discovered on my walk this morning, at least for me, there is also a little anger and resentment toward God (maybe even a whole lot).
I love Christian. I have loved him since he was in his Momma's tummy. My favorite memory of him is when we went to visit them in Dallas many moons ago. Christian was about two. We were outside and he was wearing a black leather jacket and jeans. He was full of toddler energy, feisty and affectionate with the best giggle. We blew bubbles for what seemed like forever. He giggled the whole time (except when he spat on one of us...some of us still giggled)! He was joyful and free and I believe that he is joyful and free now....but I miss him. I wonder why this isn't one of the times when God chose to swoosh in and save the day...to save Christian. I wondered why He didn't do this the whole last year as well. He didn't though, and that's that.
I love/hate Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I love it because I know I can 100% stand on God's promise that there will be good, and I know nothing is wasted. I hate it because no where does it say that God and I will have the same idea of good nor does He promise to give me all my requested answers. So God didn't allow things to happen in a way that I think I would think is best...but again, he's got the panoramic view and I have the snapshot. He is God, I am not.
I know His love remains steady in joy and in pain. I picture Christian right now as little boy Christian in the black leather jacket blowing bubbles and giggling.....with God....with angels....with his grandparents and his little sister Trinity. I am pretty certain God wept when Christian wept, that he weeps with those hurting now and that he will rejoice with us when we rejoice.
The time I used to spend on daily walks was a special time of connection for me and God. Since these walks were times of connections and I have totally avoided them for a good solid year, it makes sense that my closeness with God feels a bit fizzled. I mean, He is here. We chat all day and sometimes all night long. I don't do a whole lot of being still and I sure don't do much listening. I am determined to care for myself and the most significant part of that is making time for God and I and our walks a priority. This morning, I begrudgingly put my tennis shoes on right after I brushed my teeth...and a bra. That's about it. The pajamas and the attitude remained. I grabbed ear plugs, my phone and headed out into the already humid morning.
Ten minutes. That's it. I only had to walk 10 minutes....it's a start. I walked slowly at first, my head swarming with lists and lists of to do's and should have dones. The sun was pretty and peeking from behind the trees, but it was HOT! (Did I mention sweating is not my thing?) Nothing in the worship music I heard really caught my attention. (Bear with me, because the post is way less about me and way more about God and sweet Christian). As I walked, some of the words to songs begin to seep in, until the song about putting my trust in Jesus came on. The tears began to flow and I let God know how angry I was, how sad, and how messed up this is. I prayed for everyone, including me....I could feel a small wall I was keeping up between God and I. I asked Him how in the world I was supposed to put my trust in someone who allows this to happen. God didn't reach down and scoop me up out of the pain, he didn't yell at me for being angry, he didn't stop my tears....nothing. I heard nothing, and then I knew...time to shhhh. So I walked, and I cried and the Holy Spirit began to fill my grumpy heart with something close to joy...coming in gentle waves, warming my heart and softenining my borders. I stopped trying to ask question, I stopped talking, I just soaked in the lovlieness I could feel.
I was going to head back home but I felt one more round would be nice and maybe a song would come on that would be medicine to my heart. (I had not looked at the clock once, that alone tells me I was entering a place of God and Sarah time). I asked God to reveal himself to me because I was really needing him. (It's more like asking him to help me open the eyes of my heart, to surrender and feel Him, for He never left me in at all.)
As I turned to make another loop, the song "I'll fly away" came on. This song is immensely special to me on many levels. I laughed out loud. I held my hands out like wings and I closed my eyes, spinning and imagining I was flying. (No neighbor called the police on me, for this I am thankful). Christian was on my heart this whole time, joyful, free, smiling. When I opened my eyes and turned around, I was standing in rays of sunshine beaming down. Rusty (our golden retriever) and Maple (our special girl) had spotted me from a block away and were running, running, running toward me. I bent down and called them by name. They practically knocked me over because they were so happy to see me. (nevermind that I had seen them less than an hour before). Christian, again in my heart....I thought of God welcoming him with the most beautiful joy Christian had ever experienced. I thought of Christian running, running, running toward God for an embrace from his heavenly father that he had been waiting for his whole life. My heart smiled and gave thanks for the way God spoke to it this morning.
Please pray for Christian's sweet and hurting family and friends. This pain is deep. So deep. There has been a fund set up for Christian, this will cover funeral and burial expenses, medical bills and whatever else is needed at this time. If you go to http://www.gofundme.com/christian-snyder, donations can me made. I'm sure every little bit helps.
God bless.
Sarah
p.s. Nathan had posted the following bro tip on his fb wall the night before Christian died....it says
"If only for a second, stop and appreciate the fact that you're alive."
So true.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Light
Here I am....here we are....
In a flurry of circumstance; 2013 brought great pain. Uninvited infidelity (is it ever invited?), huge betrayal in a business deal by 'friends', Daddy's Alzheimer's progressing at a faster pace than anyone could keep up with, my precious Granny going to Heaven....those are the biggies. Dreams I dared to dream were shattered and hopes I lived to hope were demolished. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day that Nathan spoke words to me that broke my heart to a point I believed irrepairable. I was reminded of this while flipping through my old journal. I didn't need reminding...some words the heart buries in a deep dark place but they are always there ready to surface. Sometimes though, bringing those words out of the dark and into the light is the first step to finding your way back home.
Speaking of coming out of the dark....I have had quite a few people ask me lately if Nathan and I experienced infidelity before or after going to Pathways. It grieves my heart to speak the truth and say 'after' simply because I don't want that to be a discouragement. So here is my response....Some of what I got from Pathways.... tools for living a full, emotionally mature, engaged, joy filled, brave life. Ways to let go of my fears/anxieties/need for control (didn't say destroyed them, said ways to let go). Another gift I found there is that I began to understand who I was made to be and as a result, had a heart full of restored hope and healing. Lastly, and most importantly, Pathways helped me break down my own barriers/walls and it was a place that I drew closer to God than ever I had experienced in my life. If God has never offered me an easy, perfect life then how in the world could I expect that from a organization(wonderful as it is) made of humans? That relationship with God, the authentic relationships I have built in and out of Pathways, Sunday night class and the best counselor ever (Missy N...., pm me if you need a referral) have gotten us back into the light and out of the dark. That said, I would tell you that everyone doesn't NEED Pathways, but everyone DESERVES it....because as they say, 'in life, it's not a matter of IF the trainwrecks will come, it's WHEN.' In addition, if we are all God's creation (I believe this is a yes), who would he say doesn't deserve to live life full in and full out?
God works in funny ways. Through tragedy, He has shown me who I truly am. I am a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical woman, an engaged and trusting Momma with the heart of a child AND a whole, surrendered woman basking in the warmth of God's sunshine. I AM. Add to that...I am God's princess. I am full of mercy, grace, forgiveness, peace, and love. I am tall, and I amazing. All of last year's junky gunk has allowed me to step into who I have known I am and more. I always had the words, now I have the circumstances and tools to live it out.
I am honestly so excited to see where God leads next. I will be working as a Kindergarten assistant part time. I'll be cooking. I'll be writing, taking baths, taking walks, reading and burning yummy smelling candles. I'll be doing what matters to my heart and to the heart of my husband and my family. I'll be loving others and myself. I'll be visiting my Mom and Dad alot and making time for friends, play, and JOY! I will be back to volunteering at Pathways. I will be working on becoming fully who God made me to be and part of that goal for me is to feel like a sexy woman! (to me, an attitude that I feel inside....nothing to do with anyone else).
Alas, broken hearts and wounded spirits can heal, marriages can be restored and families do make it through the hardest of times. That season of great chaos became the season of great growth and is now flourishing into the season of great healing and restoration that I've been praying for (really, all of my life).
God bless you all. Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement, and thank you for reading.
love,
sarah
In a flurry of circumstance; 2013 brought great pain. Uninvited infidelity (is it ever invited?), huge betrayal in a business deal by 'friends', Daddy's Alzheimer's progressing at a faster pace than anyone could keep up with, my precious Granny going to Heaven....those are the biggies. Dreams I dared to dream were shattered and hopes I lived to hope were demolished. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day that Nathan spoke words to me that broke my heart to a point I believed irrepairable. I was reminded of this while flipping through my old journal. I didn't need reminding...some words the heart buries in a deep dark place but they are always there ready to surface. Sometimes though, bringing those words out of the dark and into the light is the first step to finding your way back home.
Speaking of coming out of the dark....I have had quite a few people ask me lately if Nathan and I experienced infidelity before or after going to Pathways. It grieves my heart to speak the truth and say 'after' simply because I don't want that to be a discouragement. So here is my response....Some of what I got from Pathways.... tools for living a full, emotionally mature, engaged, joy filled, brave life. Ways to let go of my fears/anxieties/need for control (didn't say destroyed them, said ways to let go). Another gift I found there is that I began to understand who I was made to be and as a result, had a heart full of restored hope and healing. Lastly, and most importantly, Pathways helped me break down my own barriers/walls and it was a place that I drew closer to God than ever I had experienced in my life. If God has never offered me an easy, perfect life then how in the world could I expect that from a organization(wonderful as it is) made of humans? That relationship with God, the authentic relationships I have built in and out of Pathways, Sunday night class and the best counselor ever (Missy N...., pm me if you need a referral) have gotten us back into the light and out of the dark. That said, I would tell you that everyone doesn't NEED Pathways, but everyone DESERVES it....because as they say, 'in life, it's not a matter of IF the trainwrecks will come, it's WHEN.' In addition, if we are all God's creation (I believe this is a yes), who would he say doesn't deserve to live life full in and full out?
God works in funny ways. Through tragedy, He has shown me who I truly am. I am a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical woman, an engaged and trusting Momma with the heart of a child AND a whole, surrendered woman basking in the warmth of God's sunshine. I AM. Add to that...I am God's princess. I am full of mercy, grace, forgiveness, peace, and love. I am tall, and I amazing. All of last year's junky gunk has allowed me to step into who I have known I am and more. I always had the words, now I have the circumstances and tools to live it out.
I am honestly so excited to see where God leads next. I will be working as a Kindergarten assistant part time. I'll be cooking. I'll be writing, taking baths, taking walks, reading and burning yummy smelling candles. I'll be doing what matters to my heart and to the heart of my husband and my family. I'll be loving others and myself. I'll be visiting my Mom and Dad alot and making time for friends, play, and JOY! I will be back to volunteering at Pathways. I will be working on becoming fully who God made me to be and part of that goal for me is to feel like a sexy woman! (to me, an attitude that I feel inside....nothing to do with anyone else).
Alas, broken hearts and wounded spirits can heal, marriages can be restored and families do make it through the hardest of times. That season of great chaos became the season of great growth and is now flourishing into the season of great healing and restoration that I've been praying for (really, all of my life).
God bless you all. Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement, and thank you for reading.
love,
sarah
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Perspective
I keep waiting for clarity and for the perfect moment to sit down and write. I'm laughing, because even that simple statement feels so overwhelming to me! Clarity? Perfect? C'mon, if I didn't know it before, this year has certainly cemented the fact there is not even perfection in clarity nor is there always clarity in perfection. Depends on the perspective....
So...I have just completed our first week of summer vacation. May 30, 2014 was my last day as a Resource Coordinator at Sooner Start. It was also the last day that we had a 3rd and 6th grader in the house. I have spent this week relishing the time with our soon to be 4th and 7th graders; actually listening to the important voices of those that I love; walking, cooking, reading...writing...playing, praying; retraining myself to breathe and in the art of caring for ME while enjoying each moment AS IT COMES and catching up where and with whom I can.
The last year has been crazy busy. Full of change, (not all solicited), heartache, betrayal, angst and sadness. In the midst of all of this, I kind of just got pulled under and I was doing all I could to catch a breath. I didn't fully realize what was happening to me...just that my world as I knew it was upside down and inside out. I have gained weight, I have disconnected with what and whom I love most, I have become more anxious and I have certainly stopped managing my own life.
I didn't understand why God was calling me away from the job and families that I loved, but I had no doubt he was doing so. I learned that just because I follow where God is leading, does not mean it's an easy task. I'm beginning to 'get it' though, I feel like God is gifting me with a season of rest and rejuvenation....all part of the restoration I began praying for last year. I am actually getting quite excited, not just about what is next but about what is now! I'm not certain about so many things, but I am certain that God has this under control and He definitely has better than 'our' best in mind. It's gonna be okay.
There are two quotes that keep landing on my heart, I want to share them:
"YOU WILL COME TO KNOW THAT WHAT APPEARS TODAY TO BE A SACRIFICE WILL PROVE INSTEAD TO BE THE GREATEST INVESTMENT THAT YOU WILL EVER MAKE."
-Gordon B.Hinckley
AND....
Someone asked the Dalai Lama what surprises him most? This was his response....
"MAN, BECAUSE HE SACRIFICES HIS HEALTH IN ORDER TO MAKE MONEY. THEN HE SACRIFICES MONEY TO RECUPERATE HIS HEALTH. AND THEN HE IS SO ANXIOUS ABOUT THE FUTURE THAT HE DOES NOT ENJOY THE PRESENT OR THE FUTURE; HE LIVES AS IF HE IS NEVER GOING TO DIE, AND THEN HE DIES HAVING NEVER REALLY LIVED.
Omgosh. ping.ping.ping.
I never imagined that what the last year has been would be my story, and I am just beginning to comprehend that it is NOT my story, it is only a chapter in my book. A painful chapter, yet one with many gifts. Again....depends on the perspective.
So...I have just completed our first week of summer vacation. May 30, 2014 was my last day as a Resource Coordinator at Sooner Start. It was also the last day that we had a 3rd and 6th grader in the house. I have spent this week relishing the time with our soon to be 4th and 7th graders; actually listening to the important voices of those that I love; walking, cooking, reading...writing...playing, praying; retraining myself to breathe and in the art of caring for ME while enjoying each moment AS IT COMES and catching up where and with whom I can.
The last year has been crazy busy. Full of change, (not all solicited), heartache, betrayal, angst and sadness. In the midst of all of this, I kind of just got pulled under and I was doing all I could to catch a breath. I didn't fully realize what was happening to me...just that my world as I knew it was upside down and inside out. I have gained weight, I have disconnected with what and whom I love most, I have become more anxious and I have certainly stopped managing my own life.
I didn't understand why God was calling me away from the job and families that I loved, but I had no doubt he was doing so. I learned that just because I follow where God is leading, does not mean it's an easy task. I'm beginning to 'get it' though, I feel like God is gifting me with a season of rest and rejuvenation....all part of the restoration I began praying for last year. I am actually getting quite excited, not just about what is next but about what is now! I'm not certain about so many things, but I am certain that God has this under control and He definitely has better than 'our' best in mind. It's gonna be okay.
There are two quotes that keep landing on my heart, I want to share them:
"YOU WILL COME TO KNOW THAT WHAT APPEARS TODAY TO BE A SACRIFICE WILL PROVE INSTEAD TO BE THE GREATEST INVESTMENT THAT YOU WILL EVER MAKE."
-Gordon B.Hinckley
AND....
Someone asked the Dalai Lama what surprises him most? This was his response....
"MAN, BECAUSE HE SACRIFICES HIS HEALTH IN ORDER TO MAKE MONEY. THEN HE SACRIFICES MONEY TO RECUPERATE HIS HEALTH. AND THEN HE IS SO ANXIOUS ABOUT THE FUTURE THAT HE DOES NOT ENJOY THE PRESENT OR THE FUTURE; HE LIVES AS IF HE IS NEVER GOING TO DIE, AND THEN HE DIES HAVING NEVER REALLY LIVED.
Omgosh. ping.ping.ping.
I never imagined that what the last year has been would be my story, and I am just beginning to comprehend that it is NOT my story, it is only a chapter in my book. A painful chapter, yet one with many gifts. Again....depends on the perspective.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
A summary of now
I was reading through my journal from the last year tonight. As I read, memories and events came flooding back. At first, I felt like I was intruding on someone else's life. Gradually, I gripped the fact that the words I was reading are from my very own heart and they are the words that make up a portion of my story. It's amazing what I have buried deep and chosen not to deal with, I didn't even remember certain things until I read my own written words....I was quickly transported back to the moment. Quickly the pain knives into my soul, quickly the hot tears fall from my tired eyes, quickly my body racks with silent sobs that turn into child like wails.
The truth is, 2013 was a tough year. If you have followed any of my writing or know me at all, you know the scoop well. My Dad has been and is transitioning through the ugliness of Alzheimers disease. My Momma has been and is grieving an inexplicable daily loss of her true love. The "slow goodbye" sums up the nastiness of Alzheimer's quite accurately. We lost our precious and beloved Granny. More grieving. Our actual physical home has been in a constant state of flux and chaos. We were betrayed by close friends and there was betrayal in our marriage. Nathan and I were separated, living in two different homes for a time. I began working full time again. Add to that the stress and pain family and friends have been through and it's easy to see - 2013 was a tough year. It's a lovely attribute that I am also able to have gratitude and joy in these moments, and I have love lifting me up on all sides at all times...this does not change the reality of pain though. I feel anger like I have never felt before, I feel ready to fight for my territory that has been unrightfully challenged....it is not okay for anyone to keep peeing on my grass (as a dear friend so eloquently put it!) I feel weak alone but when I see how far God has carried me, I have the strength to lean harder into Him.
There are days when things feel lighter, and I am certain we are crossing the proverbial bridge. There are days that are heavy and I feel doubts creep in. That is when I have to actively choose love. I believe love, as well as forgiveness are choices. HARD choices sometimes. I also believe that giving up would be a HARD choice...so I choose the road less traveled and the one that I trust holds full restoration and healing. I choose the difficult road because I believe it is the path that will bring back home where we belong. We are so worth it, I have to remind myself of this when my exhaustion seeps in, when my feelings lie and when I am accused. I have to remember whose child I am. Traveling up the mountain we continue to climb.
The truth is, 2013 was a tough year. If you have followed any of my writing or know me at all, you know the scoop well. My Dad has been and is transitioning through the ugliness of Alzheimers disease. My Momma has been and is grieving an inexplicable daily loss of her true love. The "slow goodbye" sums up the nastiness of Alzheimer's quite accurately. We lost our precious and beloved Granny. More grieving. Our actual physical home has been in a constant state of flux and chaos. We were betrayed by close friends and there was betrayal in our marriage. Nathan and I were separated, living in two different homes for a time. I began working full time again. Add to that the stress and pain family and friends have been through and it's easy to see - 2013 was a tough year. It's a lovely attribute that I am also able to have gratitude and joy in these moments, and I have love lifting me up on all sides at all times...this does not change the reality of pain though. I feel anger like I have never felt before, I feel ready to fight for my territory that has been unrightfully challenged....it is not okay for anyone to keep peeing on my grass (as a dear friend so eloquently put it!) I feel weak alone but when I see how far God has carried me, I have the strength to lean harder into Him.
There are days when things feel lighter, and I am certain we are crossing the proverbial bridge. There are days that are heavy and I feel doubts creep in. That is when I have to actively choose love. I believe love, as well as forgiveness are choices. HARD choices sometimes. I also believe that giving up would be a HARD choice...so I choose the road less traveled and the one that I trust holds full restoration and healing. I choose the difficult road because I believe it is the path that will bring back home where we belong. We are so worth it, I have to remind myself of this when my exhaustion seeps in, when my feelings lie and when I am accused. I have to remember whose child I am. Traveling up the mountain we continue to climb.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
release
It's one of those morning where my heart is filled with peace in some situations and trepidation in others. Those two...peace and trepidation collide and I'm processing through writing, hoping that brings some light and full peace to my situation.
My Daddy seems to be content in his new home. There is great peace in that. It puts me at ease to know that he is safe, he can walk circles all night if he wishes and we can visit at any time. It brings me joy to feel bonds grow as my dear family pulls together to ensure we are all apart of daily visits to Daddy and loving each other and him through this. It hurts my heart to go through the adaptation of not having him home anymore. He has been the center of many of our lives for the last couple of years, he IS my Momma's universe.
Now, instead of being scared for his safety, worried for my Momma's stress level and just exhausted from constantly being 'on', we have turned to different tasks....learning the ins and outs of the center, its's rules/staff/residents, deciding whose turn it is to make a nightly or morning check in call, still worrying about my Momma, and visiting, visiting, visiting. A new type of exhaustion. There is a simultaneous peace and weariness in the process of letting go. Releasing.
I resigned from a job that I truly love. I gave a two month notice, so my last day will be May 30. This means as of today, I have exactly 30 days there to leave my legacy. I want to make sure my families are in a good place and that the person stepping in for me is well equipped to provide services to each family. It seems like so much to do in a very little amount of time. Never enough time. I have many co workers who I love dearly, and they will be hard to leave. I was absolutely sure when I resigned that I was being led to leave, and I didn't know why. I still do not.
It is a huge exercise in trust and I begin to feel familiar self doubt creeping in. Where will we find the money we need? What if it doesn't work out? What if I am incorrect in where I feel 'led'? I have to consistently shush myself. In the quiet, my heart wonders how many opportunities I have missed because I have refused to step outside of what is safe and familiar, even if it wasn't for my best? This is a new adventure, new beginnings on the horizon, IF I will release what is not, never was and never will be 'mine'.
I got to meet with someone last week that has been in my life for over a year. I never knew this person was in my life until January, 2014...and then I found that they had been playing quite an unwelcome and intrusive role behind the scenes in our marriage. Meeting with them was another thing I felt 'led' to do. I did ask God, "why?", many times. In the end, I felt such an overwhelming peace and calm that I had no doubt that the meeting was supposed to occur. It was not easy but it was a truly good thing for my heart, and I do hope for that persons heart as well. Again, I am left working on full release.
The theme is obvious, isn't it? It is time to let go, to release to God and let God do what only God does. I wonder....when I am able to do this, will the trepidation be gone and the peace be overwhelming? I do believe that is the case. I prayed for restoration. I can't have the new until the old is completely torn down. But man, the process is tough, isn't it?
Stella just turned on Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun." We danced. I DO wanna be the one who walks in the son/sun....I fully trust I cannot do that while I am hanging on so tightly to all else.
My Daddy seems to be content in his new home. There is great peace in that. It puts me at ease to know that he is safe, he can walk circles all night if he wishes and we can visit at any time. It brings me joy to feel bonds grow as my dear family pulls together to ensure we are all apart of daily visits to Daddy and loving each other and him through this. It hurts my heart to go through the adaptation of not having him home anymore. He has been the center of many of our lives for the last couple of years, he IS my Momma's universe.
Now, instead of being scared for his safety, worried for my Momma's stress level and just exhausted from constantly being 'on', we have turned to different tasks....learning the ins and outs of the center, its's rules/staff/residents, deciding whose turn it is to make a nightly or morning check in call, still worrying about my Momma, and visiting, visiting, visiting. A new type of exhaustion. There is a simultaneous peace and weariness in the process of letting go. Releasing.
I resigned from a job that I truly love. I gave a two month notice, so my last day will be May 30. This means as of today, I have exactly 30 days there to leave my legacy. I want to make sure my families are in a good place and that the person stepping in for me is well equipped to provide services to each family. It seems like so much to do in a very little amount of time. Never enough time. I have many co workers who I love dearly, and they will be hard to leave. I was absolutely sure when I resigned that I was being led to leave, and I didn't know why. I still do not.
It is a huge exercise in trust and I begin to feel familiar self doubt creeping in. Where will we find the money we need? What if it doesn't work out? What if I am incorrect in where I feel 'led'? I have to consistently shush myself. In the quiet, my heart wonders how many opportunities I have missed because I have refused to step outside of what is safe and familiar, even if it wasn't for my best? This is a new adventure, new beginnings on the horizon, IF I will release what is not, never was and never will be 'mine'.
I got to meet with someone last week that has been in my life for over a year. I never knew this person was in my life until January, 2014...and then I found that they had been playing quite an unwelcome and intrusive role behind the scenes in our marriage. Meeting with them was another thing I felt 'led' to do. I did ask God, "why?", many times. In the end, I felt such an overwhelming peace and calm that I had no doubt that the meeting was supposed to occur. It was not easy but it was a truly good thing for my heart, and I do hope for that persons heart as well. Again, I am left working on full release.
The theme is obvious, isn't it? It is time to let go, to release to God and let God do what only God does. I wonder....when I am able to do this, will the trepidation be gone and the peace be overwhelming? I do believe that is the case. I prayed for restoration. I can't have the new until the old is completely torn down. But man, the process is tough, isn't it?
Stella just turned on Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun." We danced. I DO wanna be the one who walks in the son/sun....I fully trust I cannot do that while I am hanging on so tightly to all else.
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