It's not always what I imagined....

Oh man!  I think if there was nothing else pressing to do I could sit and write for 48 hours straight and still not have cleared my heart and mind of all I'd like to share.

Tonight I wrote a long lost friend.  She and I were like sisters and had a 'falling out' in our early twenties.  You know the saddest part?  I can't even remember why.  I remember the emotions surrounding the time but have no vivid memories of details.  I'm betting whatever it was it was stupid.  (great linguistics, eh?)  She has written me a couple of times and I have not responded until now.  Like I told her, I was waiting for the 'right' words to say....me who has a deviated filter anyway was waiting for 'right' words.  So disappointed in myself and praying for healing in this relationship.

I think something that prompted me to do this (Ahem...Holy Spirit) is that I've been thinking about the friendships I have lost and gained the last couple of years.  Some losses have been happened organically...the season was over.  I've realized it's not always healthy to have all 'friends' in my life and it's okay to 'separate'.  Others I have lost relationship with due to overblown circumstances, pride on either side or plain ole' being dumb and I still have a hole in my heart.  The thing I have been most deeply hurt by are the 'friends' who have not considered me significant enough to even talk things through with me...they've just dropped me like a hot potato.  (dramatic but that's an accurate description of my feelings).  I have processed and processed, examined my part in the demise, asked myself what could've been different and what will be healthier in future relationships and forgiven.  Here's the thing though...I am going to make every effort to not contribute to causing another human being to feel insignificant.  I am going to attempt to let every one in my path know why they are valuable to me (even when I am earnestly seeking that value).  I am going to LOVE my neighbor as myself...so if I'm loving myself well I will also pray for discernment, wisdom and trust.  I'm thinking, in not answering my old friend b/c I was waiting for the 'right' words, how significant did she feel?  And if I need to say goodbye to a friend (in love), I will pray for my God to give me what I need to do so and I believe he will.

Relationships are complicated.  But how sad life would be without them.

On another note, I've been feeling abundantly blessed lately.  Being around many children these past few weeks I realize how much I take my children's health for granted at times and how very WELL and beloved our children (challenging as they may be) are.  I had a moment of sadness while playing with a little toeheaded  3 year old boy with sparkly blue eyes.  He was BUSY BUSY BUSY and reminded me so much of John.  I was taken back in time and found myself wishing I had enjoyed those moments more (you know, the ones everyone told me would go so fast).  I wish I had written more details down because although I just knew I'd remember everything - I don't.  I wished I wasn't such an uptight basketcase who was so concerned about what others thought of our parenting and my son's passionate emotional displays.

Then, holding a precious 1 month old girl I thought of my Stella being a baby.  A very sad thing to me is that my stroke stole many sporadic memories and the first few months of Stella's life are very muddled.  I hate that.  It makes me cry.  So...I look at pictures and remember the things I can remember...there is still great joy. 

Both of these little people bring me many gifts every day.  My encouragement to you....treasure the moments.  They really do zip on by. Life isn't always what I imagined but living life is always, always, always a gift.

God bless.

sarah