Empty

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary.  I began preparing myself for this day last night as I wrote the following on facebook;

"Tomorrow is our fourteen year anniversary.  Things aren't quite how I imagined them as the big day arrives, and for that I am sad.  I have hope still that we have beauty beyond what I ever imagined waiting on the other side of this, and for that, there is joy.  It's hard to see past what is right now though, so I'm trusting God that everything I need is everything I have in each moment.  Praying that there is a true love story in the making...the kind that makes it through anything."


Tonight we went to dinner as a family....
Dinner stank.  Not the food but the overall tone at dinner.  Nothing happened how it was 'supposed' to happen.  I looked at last night's post just now and what I wrote just fully sunk in.  It IS hard to see past what is now.  I forgot to trust God that everything I needed was what I had in each moment and I got caught up in the what if's and the shoulds.  That resulted in hurt feelings all around and saddened children.  Who am I kidding?  That's the pretty way of saying lots of arguing, horrid feelings, hateful words and kids who had no escape from the crazed grown ups.  I hope they forgive us and still know they are safe and loved.  I feel like a blob of failure as a Momma tonight.

I have received many heartfelt texts and emails and I will respond to them as my energy grows.  They along with your prayers are sustaining me.  One of my wisest and bestest friends texted this to me tonight in response to my sharing about where I am emotionally; "Today stands for you and your determination.  Your unending perseverance.  You should celebrate YOU!  Good Job Sarah, Happy Anniversary!"  She's right.  So right.  I forgot to celebrate ME.  I do have much to celebrate...beginning with this moment.

God bless.