Thoughts

Why I love to go for a daily walk....it's a great debriefing time, a time to think, to breathe and to invest in myself.

Why I hate to go for a daily walk...I don't wanna debrief  and breathe when my natural impulse is to stuff and smile.  Investing in myself is a struggle, something I forget to do unless I make a point to schedule myself in.

On a home visit today with a very sick little baby.   Baby is nearly a year old and on a trach and a ventilator that does most of her breathing for her.  Sounds and looks and is scary.  However, baby is thriving.  Momma is extraordinary.  Baby practices tummy time and it's unpleasant so she has a total cry face with tears but no sounds because of her trach and vent.  Therapist explains that when we make babies do something like this, even though it is for their healing and good - we are making them work so hard and then they cry.  (Don't worry, the tummy time only lasted a minute or two). 

A while back I met a precious toddler who hears and understands things way above his age level but he does not speak any words out loud.  You see...he has two non hearing parents and so the language spoken in his home is sign language.  Now he's in school and he's having to learn a whole new set of social skills and how to use his voice (literally).  This is hard.  Tears or frustration may come.  In the end, optimally this child will know English and American Sign Language before he hits Kindergarten.

Last night, in a fit over an answer he didn't like, my 12 year old told me that he hated me and wished he had a different Mom.  OUCH!  It was so hard not to become an emotional mess, drag my own baggage in and tell him that he almost got that wish 4 years ago while I broke down in tears.  After a calming period and a heartfelt discussion, I was grateful I had opted for grace in the moment and chosen calm....despite the hard.

It got me thinking...all of these I don't wanna's that I have been experiencing lately....In all these situations, none of us knew the full beauty on the other side.  That is what I am hanging onto these days.

God speaks gently to me and says He loves me, I am His baby girl.  He knows right now my heart is hurting and this hurts his heart...but He knew way before now what now would be and He is not just before me, He is beside and behind me.  What a comfort to my spirit that is.