missed opportunities and gratitude

Relationships, people and missed opportunities are on my heart and mind. 

A sweet friend, fellow Momma, daughter and more passed away a couple of summers ago after a fluke accident.  A few weeks before that happened, I saw her at church across the room.  Her eyes looked so very sad and I thought to myself...call your friend and connect this week.  I never did that. 

My precious friend who passed away this week texted me the morning of his last day.  I saw his text and was busy at work.  I knew when I called him back I wanted to give the call/text my full attention.  The day got busy and I had in the back of my mind to call.  He passed away that night and I never did connect with him.

My texts, voicemails and emails are flooded with encouragement, prayers and wisdom from those who understand my heart and/or situation.  I have been in such a fog and have every intention of responding individually, yet I have not yet done so.  Today is a bit of a wake up call.  My heart hurts and my prayers are going up.  I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to have these dear friends in my life.  I am sorrowful for the opportunities I have missed.  There are many opportunities I have not missed and realizing this is a healing balm.

What do I want?  Which direction am I going and who do I want to be on my journey with?  My heart knows a little but not much.  I know I know enough to believe that my God is with me every step of the way and He will light my journey. 

This earthly life is truly but the blink of an eye.  Once you choose, you have chosen. 

Shuffling through

Sitting at my Momma's computer. Daddy is upstairs, wandering - finding out which part of this old house is warmest.  Momma is in the hospital getting her new friend, 'a-fib', straightened out.  I drink macadamia cookie coffee made with Momma's fancy Keurig that I love.  I have Daddy's cooled hot chocolate waiting for him when he decides to come sit down....after he has investigated all of the vents he can find.  Lights go on and lights go off as he searches through the rooms.   This morning is remnicent of when my children were truly littles and my quiet time was bought up with nursing, snuggles, sometimes hot tears, sweet giggles, strips of toast, sticky faces and sticky oatmeal.  I would not trade those 'quiet times' for anything.  This morning I have sold out my quiet time to hear lessons from my Daddy on  where the heating pipes are located in the house and where the warmest spots in the house are on bear feet.  I would not trade these 'quiet times' for anything either.

Times are a changing.  Always.  But now I can feel it in my bones, I can see it on the horizon.  In a way I am so excited to see how God reveals what 'restoration' means in my life.  I am also terrified.  My dreams may not be where my life goes.  There may be bigger and better things than I ever thought possible if I am able to truly surrender my forecast, lean back into God's arms and see what happens.  Being still, going only where I feel led.  I wonder how that will feel. I imagine that the pain I am going through right now, though deep and horrendous, might very well be what leads me out of the lost hope forest and into the freedom I've only had glimpses of before.  I still long for that freedom in my heart. It is that longing that seems to reverberate with what restoration looks like.

I am excited.  I am terrified.  I am going to continue to thank God in each and every circumstance and trust that he is leading me into the wide open....safely in his arms.

Someday I believe I will truly be able to stand in the gap and pray for those who have harmed my heart.  Right now I am simply going to feel what I feel, and explain to my sweet Daddy that Momma is in St. Francis, not the State Penitentary.

I AM A BRAVE, WORTHY, LOVED BY GOD, TRULY HAPPY, WHIMSICAL WOMAN WHO IS WHOLE AND SURRENDERED AND BASKING IN THE WARMTH OF GOD'S SUNSHINE....AND I AM AN ENGAGED AND TRUSTING MOMMA WITH THE HEART OF A CHILD.

Thank you dear Lord for protecting this heart of mine.  Thank you for leading me out of this lost and desolate place and back into your warmth.  Thank you for dying for me.  I am that worthy.  That knowledge is perspective changing. I am not responsible for the poor decisions made by others, and when my heart aches you are holding me and reminding me I am whole.  Thank you.  Thank you for catching the tears that come out of the blue, unstoppable.  They are a part of my healing but I am feeling dehydrated.  Thank you for my sisters, my brothers, my heart friends and family you send to give me wisdom, hug me, pray with me and hold me in the dark.
I also ask protection for the hearts of my babies and of my husband.  Let every bit of darkness come to light so that true healing may begin.  Help me not ask why? but to just follow you.

Thankful in all circumstances, even when they suck. Thankful for you God.  Thankful for my faith.  Thankful for your love.  Thankful for my babies and thankful that you give me all that I need right when I need it.  Thankful that I am right where I need to be, even if I don't know why.  Thank you for my story.

Amen.

Restoration

Yesterday, I was able to pursue some much needed closure in my life.  I was able to sit across the table from the owner of the general contracting company that we had a very poor experience with as we 'exchanged goods' (his words).

  You see, although I had not actually seen this man face to face since our issues began, I invited the thoughts and beliefs of he and his partner to infiltrate my heart, although they were not my truth.  They were not my truth, but they were hurtful and damaging.  I allowed the actions of these people to wreak havoc on my home, on my family, on friendships, on our dreams. I took on the role of powerless and I have been feeling terribly victimized.

Yesterday I took my power back.  Everything did not work out as I had hoped, but it did work out and it is finished.  I was nervous to sit face to face with this man, and actually I had no plans to speak to him.  I just wanted to look into his eyes. I wanted him to feel some of the weight of his actions.  I prayed.  I received a text from a friend, looked on facebook, received and email and looked on a prayer website.  Each place had "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10  Four times!  I listened. 

I walked in with my head held high.  I had to request that the man look at my eyes several times as I sat across from him at a small table and summed up the year we have had-in great part thanks to he and his partner.  He was in a hurry to leave. He behaved in the same cowardly manner he has throughout this situation.  I thanked him for his time.  He may never understand what he has done, and he may still consider me ignorant or below him.  I had no plans to speak but peace overtook me as I spoke calmly and firmly.  I thank God for getting to use my voice as He led me too, it does not matter if that man, who could barely meet my eyes, understands.  God does.  God knows how healing that moment was for my heart.

So now...as I said, it is finished.  Forgiveness is my choice.  I may have to choose it repeatedly, but it is my choice and I'm committed to living a forgiving life.  I still won't ever recommend these people to anyone.  I still believe their business practices will catch up with the.  I still feel we were wronged.  But, I don't have to be angry anymore.  My energy has other places to go. 

Which leads me to this....I noticed all my cool friends were coming up with a 'word' for the year.  I love words and resolutions frustrate me, so I went with the word. 

I feel God put the word on my heart in an instant.
RESTORATION.  So many great definitions.  So many great words inside my word.  Rest.  Ration.  Restore.  The Biblical meaning is to return all things to their previous, pure state.  This sure pings me.  I have so many feelings I have processed this past year.  So much ugliness and ick have been residing in my heart...with my permission.  I have forgotten to care for myself and it is evident in my appearance and my weariness. If I were to try to restore myself by myself, I'd only get so far.  I am asking God for restoration as He would have it.  I don't know what that looks like but I know He's got me and I'm excited to see where we are going.

My verse for the year...
Isaiah 43:19  "See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."

Father God,

I am weary.  I am even doubting a little that my faith is not just some magical thinking.  I see you are taking care of things in your time and I am learning to trust you with my life.  I am learning to joyfully surrender control and the ones I love to your hands.  But sometimes I get overwhelmed with the what if's and I am afraid and I grab everything I just gave you back to carry on my own shoulders.  Help me surrender wholly to you.

The house saga is over.  Finally.  It's time to let go and move forward.  Thank you for the lessons learned and thank you for helping use my significant voice. 

Our marriage- we still have a marriage.  Thank you for that.  I am married to the love of my life and I am believing that you put us together for a divine purpose and you will work this hard time out in a way that glorifies you in the end...whatever that is.  Thank you for the opportunity to fight for each other and not take love for granted.

My sweet Daddy....my precious Momma....Alzheimers still sucks and I pray one day their is a cure.  For the victim and caregivers too. 

The love in my family overwhelms me with gratitude.  Our children are intricate weavings of our souls, my love for them is to infinity and beyond.  We are blessed with friends who walk by our side during the hard and good parts of this journey called life, for them I am thankful.

I look forward to seeing the way you make through the wilderness and I'm already feeling my thirst being quenched.  I am eagerly anticipating the hopes, dreams, relationships and joy only you can restore to myself, this life and my loved ones.

God, please bless our moments in 2014 and beyond.

In your precious name I pray,

your daughter, Sarah

A snow day that didn't happen.....

This morning I awoke with childlike anticipation of today being a snow day.  Nope.  Maybe tomorrow.  However, it is collaboration day which means the kids can snuggle in a little longer and I can have a few moments of quiet time.

 It is on my heart to spend some alone time with God.  (Pause to silently berate self for not sticking to this aspiration on a daily basis....one day I will I promise myself...which leads me down the trail of "all you have is this moment, what do you mean one day?"   Practice what you preach sister!)  Okay, okay, back on task.....I tell myself I have until 7 a.m. to spend on laundry, dishes, whatever and then until 7:30 to spend some quiet time with just God and I....and after that I'll wake the kids. 

In the midst of this rabbit trail the word forgiveness weighs heavily on me.  I am so angry and betrayed feeling right now.  Yadyadayada...get over it I tell myself.  "People have it way worse" says my voice of reason.  And then that other voice..."you have a right to be angry and betrayed.  Feel it and work on forgiveness."  Wait...which is the voice of reason?

This all occurs in a period of a few moments.  As I type this I can see why being still, really and truly still is a challenge for me.  BUT...I want to feel God's presence.  I want to crawl up in his lap and rest awhile.   Rest.must.be.a.dream.....I must center myself.  I must be still.

I sit down to read at our beautifully refurbished red desk/table.  I love red.  I look at the Christmas tree lit up (no décor other than lights yet and I'm thinking of keeping it that way.  Simplicity is appealing.) I breathe in, breathe out, breathe in and begin....

I open Nathan's Bible (I can't even find mine in this dark house and I don't want to risk the noise of searching).  It is a time that I open the Bible and find exactly what my heart needs and I am inspired to dwell on it, write and pray. 

A little voice which is not my own this time is speaking.  "Momma, why did you put up the tree without me?"  Sweet Stella is awake.  I absorb a little of her joy as she finds Dophy, our sneaky elf, hiding in the tree.  This leads me down another rabbit trail of dear friends who do not do the elf or even Santa.  Children are children for such a little time and I love the magical fun.    I respect their choices but inwardly curse those who have told my children their own truth.  This makes me think of a conversation with my dear friend Stephanie last night over Santa.  Another child told her child Santa wasn't real and Steph was in a quandary and oh I sure do love that family.  STOP SARAH!  You really are scattered dear one, even in your alone time.  Back to being still...

I am feeling guilty right now.  Feeling guilty that I did not stand up for a friend when a coworker was blatantly rude to her in my presence yesterday.  Feeling guilty over the rage I have inside me at certain people.  Feeling guilty for suggesting a friend who is hurting focus on Thankfulness when I'm struggling with it myself.  Feeling guilty for unforgiveness, especially when I know who it is hurting the most.  Guilty that my Auntie is in the hospital and I didn't go see her yesterday.

Forgive me for my here and there writing today.  This is truly where I am, all over the board and trying to be still and KNOW THAT HE IS GOD.  What I opened to in Nathan's Bible (The Message), what I found bathed me in comfort...here it is....

A David Psalm....David 138

Thank you!  Everything in me says, "Thank you!"  Angels listen as I sing my thanks.  I kneel in worship facing your holy temple and say it again, "Thank you!"  Thank you for your love, thank you for your faithfulness; Most holy is your name, most holy is your Word.  the moment I called out, you stepped in; you made my life large with strength.

When they hear what you have to say, God, all earth's kings will say "Thank you."  They'll sing of what you've done:  "How Great is the Glory of God!"  And here's why:  God, high above, sees far below; no matter the distance, he knows everything about us. 

When I walk into the thick of trouble, keep me alive in the angry turmoil.  With one hand, strike my foes, With your other hand, save me.  Finish what you started in me, God.  Your love is eternal - don't quit on me now.

Father God,

My heart is so heavy.  You know this already.  I am deeply grateful for the blessings you have bestowed on me in all circumstances.  My precious family, the roof over our heads, warmth, health, friends, YOU, hope, beauty from ashes...I could go on for miles. 

I am calling out to you God.  I am crying out your name for my own sake and I am calling you on Nathan's behalf.  Please come close.  Please hold us.  I know you are before us, I know your are behind us and I know you are beside us and carrying us.  I cannot fathom how you do this, I just know I am thankful that you do.

God, please use our circumstances for your glory.  I trust you will, even if I don't 'see' it.  We are walking in the thick of trouble and I know you will get us through.  I know you will save us.  I know you will strike our foes....unforgiveness, doubt, worry, frozenness (again, I could go on for miles). 

I cannot wait to see what you are doing with us God. Literally, I cannot wait.  Please open our hearts and eyes to feel you and to know, beyond all doubts, it's gonna be okay.

In your very precious name I pray,

Amen.

The beautiful truth of the muck

 I want to write flowing words of gratitude and joy, but if I did do that in this moment I would be putting on a mask and guarding my authenticity.  How can I find peace and be real if I live in a state of hiding? 

 My heart is a bit full of muck right now... I'm struggling to see past the muck and into the beauty.  I do know it's there, tonight though...I am going to allow myself to be so very real and share my heart as is.  I know God is doing His healing as I grieve.  I believe I am growing through these uncomfortable times and that the end result will be used to glorify God.  Tonight though...I'm just not feelin' it. 

What do I feel?  Heavy.  Burdened.  Angry.  Afraid.  Betrayed.  Hateful.  Unsure.  Insecure.  Void of options.  Broke. Raw. Unmotivated.  Sad. Guilt ridden.  Insufficient.   And oddly enough, thankful. 

Thankful.  thankful.  I'm thankful for the hope I feel in what is to come; the ick feelings are for the uncertainty of now.  I am only going to allow myself to feel the ickiness for a little while and once I have welcomed it in I will kick it out in the cold....for now though it is a part of me that I must search out and speak to in order to be whole.  I hope that makes sense.  It does to me, and I guess that is truly all the matters.

Some of life...

A phone conversation with my Daddy lately goes something like this...
(He calls me by pushing auto dial on his phone and I answer...)
Me:  Hi Daddy.
Dad:  Hi there.  Who have I got here?
Me:  It's Sarah.
Dad:  Who?
Me:  Sarah
Dad:  Sa-va?
Me:  No, this is Sarah.
Dad:  Oh...Sa-va.  Which one have I got here?  (this can continue for a good bit)
Me:  How are you?
Dad:  As long as I'm standing, it's a good day  OR not so good, I'm in trouble here  OR  Do you know where I am, I really do want to go home (he is home), I don't care for it here.

This is just one little variation.  And God bless, I love this man with my whole heart.  I love to have his big, warm hand wrapped around mine.  I love how he tells me he sure does love me (unless he thinks I'm not me, in which case he does not say anything but 'thank you' because he is happily married and his wife wouldn't care for him saying something different.)  But I hate this Alzheimers.  It says horribly ugly things sometimes and it steals the expression from my Daddy's eyes and replaces it with a lost, afraid and blank gaze.  I HATE IT.  I adore my Momma.  I adore how tender she is with my Daddy (even when she believes she is not).  I love how she protects his dignity when he cannot.  I love her love for this man.  I hate the weariness I see in her eyes, the slowness in her step and the hard truth that I cannot change this.  The yuck muck.

Marriage....home life....blah blah blah.  Home is still my favorite place to be and these magnificent babies (okay, they are 12 and 8) but always my babies and precious husband bless my heart immensely.  Struggling we are but we are finding a new normal.  I hope it's a temporary normal until we find our real rhythm and connection again.  Just when I begin to forget that we are struggling right now I remember. Reality  can be so painful and from the pain can come beauty....I guess that's more of the beautiful truth of the muck.

Tomorrow we are attending a very significant meeting.  It's one with old friends who are no longer friends.  Through our past relationship, my very definition of friendship has been drastically changed.  Stinks.  Praying for resolve.  Praying for peace and for nothing but truth to be revealed beyond a doubt.  In this I feel like I am sinking in muck....still searching for the beauty.

I am stressed and Christmas is coming.  I 'should' not be feeling stressed and so then I add guilt to the mix.  Why not?  Family drama is lurking.  Geographical boundaries are sometimes needed but always wounding.  Praying for healing, conviction and peace.  Ugliness.


As we are smack in the middle of the muck this verse comes to mind....
Jeremiah 29:11  'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.' 

There my friends is the beautiful truth of the muck.

Just wanted to share

I posted this to a fb website that I am on with people from an Empowered Parenting class I took (love and logic with heart) a couple of years ago.  My parenting has changed drastically since that time...I have not yet reached perfection and I hopefully never will.  I just wanted to share this learning and growing experience...

It's been a little hectic around here. Nathan is back home and we have a long road ahead of us, but at least we have a road is what I keep telling myself. It is truly good to have him home. My Daddy is rapidly declining and it just stinks....at least I still get to hold his hand I say to myself. In all of this, the kids and I have been doing really well for the most part. Until two nights ago....John (12) had a raging meltdown that I haven't seen from him in a long time. It was all over me asking to look at his daily agenda, which he forgot to bring home. A chair went flying, clean clothes thrown off the table they were folded, etc...but the words that were screamed hurt me the most. Exact quote...'I wish you were never my Mom, I wish I had a different Mom and you'd move away, I ha...te you...and the list goes on." I did not say a word. I picked up the laptop because it was the only thing I could think to take away... I prayed silently and I walked out of the room, praying he did not follow me. I spent about 20 minutes doing this while he layed on the couch in silence. He then walked to his room sobbing out loud that he was so stupid and he hated himself. Oh how my heart hurt. I know he felt bad but in the past him doing this has made me cave. After some time had gone by and I felt we had both calmed immensely, I went in John's room to talk to him. I told him that when I was a little girl my Grandma had spoken cruel words to me at times and I had felt the same sense of stupid and hating towards myself. I told him when he spoke to me like that, I was so glad I knew he didn't mean it. I knew he didn't want a different mom and no way did I believe he hated me but that it hurt my heart really bad when he spoke to me like I was meaningless. When he tried to say he couldn't help it, it was his ADHD, I told him I agreed that impulse control was a challenge but walked through ways of 'doing different' even when it was hard. I shared that when I had my stroke, although I almost lost my physical life he would never lose me in his heart because God chose me to be his Momma so he would have to come to terms with this. We giggled. This all ended in tears and hugs from both of us, and a loss of all electronics until he earned them back by being kind and respectful...because even though 'we can't help it', there is a consequence. I am thankful for love and logic. I am thankful I pushed my own pause button rather than reacting in hurt, fear and anger like I would've many times before. I'll count this as a hard but successful learning event.

Thoughts

Why I love to go for a daily walk....it's a great debriefing time, a time to think, to breathe and to invest in myself.

Why I hate to go for a daily walk...I don't wanna debrief  and breathe when my natural impulse is to stuff and smile.  Investing in myself is a struggle, something I forget to do unless I make a point to schedule myself in.

On a home visit today with a very sick little baby.   Baby is nearly a year old and on a trach and a ventilator that does most of her breathing for her.  Sounds and looks and is scary.  However, baby is thriving.  Momma is extraordinary.  Baby practices tummy time and it's unpleasant so she has a total cry face with tears but no sounds because of her trach and vent.  Therapist explains that when we make babies do something like this, even though it is for their healing and good - we are making them work so hard and then they cry.  (Don't worry, the tummy time only lasted a minute or two). 

A while back I met a precious toddler who hears and understands things way above his age level but he does not speak any words out loud.  You see...he has two non hearing parents and so the language spoken in his home is sign language.  Now he's in school and he's having to learn a whole new set of social skills and how to use his voice (literally).  This is hard.  Tears or frustration may come.  In the end, optimally this child will know English and American Sign Language before he hits Kindergarten.

Last night, in a fit over an answer he didn't like, my 12 year old told me that he hated me and wished he had a different Mom.  OUCH!  It was so hard not to become an emotional mess, drag my own baggage in and tell him that he almost got that wish 4 years ago while I broke down in tears.  After a calming period and a heartfelt discussion, I was grateful I had opted for grace in the moment and chosen calm....despite the hard.

It got me thinking...all of these I don't wanna's that I have been experiencing lately....In all these situations, none of us knew the full beauty on the other side.  That is what I am hanging onto these days.

God speaks gently to me and says He loves me, I am His baby girl.  He knows right now my heart is hurting and this hurts his heart...but He knew way before now what now would be and He is not just before me, He is beside and behind me.  What a comfort to my spirit that is.