Empty

I am wounded.  I am empty and  I am dark surrounded by light.  I am afraid and I am worn.  I am crying out to God with every breath in me asking him to let me not relinquish my hope and belief, my love and my faith. 

I am brave.  I will weather the storms this season brings.  I will do that surrounded and supported by the love of friends and family.  A beautiful friend said to me today...sometimes brave means falling apart and allowing God to be my strength.  I am an expert faller aparter right now.

I am worthy.  I feel very disposable in this moment, quite unworthy.   Those feelings are a lie.  The truth is I am worthy.  I will ground myself in this truth even when I want to believe a lie.  It may take me a bit to remember, but remember I will.

I am truly joyful. (not going to use happy, I have decided joyful is more accurate)
I am not so happy with my current circumstances, I am sad.  However, I will not give my joyful spirit away in the long term, for the one who carries me through the pain continues to surround me with his love....this is where my joy originates.

I AM loved by God.  I.am.loved.by.God.  I am His princess.  I AM loved by God.

I am a whimsical woman.  My whimsy is taking a bit of a back seat right now, but she will return. 

I am an engaged and trusting Momma with the heart of a child.  My babies need me right now in a really BIG way.  I will not desert them nor detach from them.  I will trust that I have everything I need for them right when I need it and I will trust that they will have all they need in the moment that they need it.  And I will play with my children....heart to heart....child to child.

Most importantly, I am a WHOLE and SURRENDERED woman basking in the warmth of God's Sonshine.  I might also be a bawling, fighting, fearful woman basking in the tank of my misery at times-and in a flash, I feel God's breath on my skin as the wind blows gently by; I hear his voice in certain songs and in my children's laughter and I sense his presence as I curl into the fetal position crying my heart out...

I am afraid.  I can really delve into fear of the unknown, it comes naturally to me.  So, while I try to lean into what is, I am working at living who I know I am rather than greeting familiar fear with open arms.  In the meantime, I hurt.

A verse I found that I didn't even know was in the Bible...I find great comfort in it..."Thus says the high and lofty one who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy:  'I dwell in the high and holy place, with him who has a humble and contrite spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble and to revive the hearts of the contrite ones.  I have seen his ways, and I will heal him.  I will also lead him and restore comforts to him.'"  Isaiah 57:15, 18

Please pray.