Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Shuffling through

Sitting at my Momma's computer. Daddy is upstairs, wandering - finding out which part of this old house is warmest.  Momma is in the hospital getting her new friend, 'a-fib', straightened out.  I drink macadamia cookie coffee made with Momma's fancy Keurig that I love.  I have Daddy's cooled hot chocolate waiting for him when he decides to come sit down....after he has investigated all of the vents he can find.  Lights go on and lights go off as he searches through the rooms.   This morning is remnicent of when my children were truly littles and my quiet time was bought up with nursing, snuggles, sometimes hot tears, sweet giggles, strips of toast, sticky faces and sticky oatmeal.  I would not trade those 'quiet times' for anything.  This morning I have sold out my quiet time to hear lessons from my Daddy on  where the heating pipes are located in the house and where the warmest spots in the house are on bear feet.  I would not trade these 'quiet times' for anything either.

Times are a changing.  Always.  But now I can feel it in my bones, I can see it on the horizon.  In a way I am so excited to see how God reveals what 'restoration' means in my life.  I am also terrified.  My dreams may not be where my life goes.  There may be bigger and better things than I ever thought possible if I am able to truly surrender my forecast, lean back into God's arms and see what happens.  Being still, going only where I feel led.  I wonder how that will feel. I imagine that the pain I am going through right now, though deep and horrendous, might very well be what leads me out of the lost hope forest and into the freedom I've only had glimpses of before.  I still long for that freedom in my heart. It is that longing that seems to reverberate with what restoration looks like.

I am excited.  I am terrified.  I am going to continue to thank God in each and every circumstance and trust that he is leading me into the wide open....safely in his arms.

Someday I believe I will truly be able to stand in the gap and pray for those who have harmed my heart.  Right now I am simply going to feel what I feel, and explain to my sweet Daddy that Momma is in St. Francis, not the State Penitentary.


Thank you dear Lord for protecting this heart of mine.  Thank you for leading me out of this lost and desolate place and back into your warmth.  Thank you for dying for me.  I am that worthy.  That knowledge is perspective changing. I am not responsible for the poor decisions made by others, and when my heart aches you are holding me and reminding me I am whole.  Thank you.  Thank you for catching the tears that come out of the blue, unstoppable.  They are a part of my healing but I am feeling dehydrated.  Thank you for my sisters, my brothers, my heart friends and family you send to give me wisdom, hug me, pray with me and hold me in the dark.
I also ask protection for the hearts of my babies and of my husband.  Let every bit of darkness come to light so that true healing may begin.  Help me not ask why? but to just follow you.

Thankful in all circumstances, even when they suck. Thankful for you God.  Thankful for my faith.  Thankful for your love.  Thankful for my babies and thankful that you give me all that I need right when I need it.  Thankful that I am right where I need to be, even if I don't know why.  Thank you for my story.


Wednesday, January 1, 2014


Yesterday, I was able to pursue some much needed closure in my life.  I was able to sit across the table from the owner of the general contracting company that we had a very poor experience with as we 'exchanged goods' (his words).

  You see, although I had not actually seen this man face to face since our issues began, I invited the thoughts and beliefs of he and his partner to infiltrate my heart, although they were not my truth.  They were not my truth, but they were hurtful and damaging.  I allowed the actions of these people to wreak havoc on my home, on my family, on friendships, on our dreams. I took on the role of powerless and I have been feeling terribly victimized.

Yesterday I took my power back.  Everything did not work out as I had hoped, but it did work out and it is finished.  I was nervous to sit face to face with this man, and actually I had no plans to speak to him.  I just wanted to look into his eyes. I wanted him to feel some of the weight of his actions.  I prayed.  I received a text from a friend, looked on facebook, received and email and looked on a prayer website.  Each place had "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10  Four times!  I listened. 

I walked in with my head held high.  I had to request that the man look at my eyes several times as I sat across from him at a small table and summed up the year we have had-in great part thanks to he and his partner.  He was in a hurry to leave. He behaved in the same cowardly manner he has throughout this situation.  I thanked him for his time.  He may never understand what he has done, and he may still consider me ignorant or below him.  I had no plans to speak but peace overtook me as I spoke calmly and firmly.  I thank God for getting to use my voice as He led me too, it does not matter if that man, who could barely meet my eyes, understands.  God does.  God knows how healing that moment was for my heart.

So now...as I said, it is finished.  Forgiveness is my choice.  I may have to choose it repeatedly, but it is my choice and I'm committed to living a forgiving life.  I still won't ever recommend these people to anyone.  I still believe their business practices will catch up with the.  I still feel we were wronged.  But, I don't have to be angry anymore.  My energy has other places to go. 

Which leads me to this....I noticed all my cool friends were coming up with a 'word' for the year.  I love words and resolutions frustrate me, so I went with the word. 

I feel God put the word on my heart in an instant.
RESTORATION.  So many great definitions.  So many great words inside my word.  Rest.  Ration.  Restore.  The Biblical meaning is to return all things to their previous, pure state.  This sure pings me.  I have so many feelings I have processed this past year.  So much ugliness and ick have been residing in my heart...with my permission.  I have forgotten to care for myself and it is evident in my appearance and my weariness. If I were to try to restore myself by myself, I'd only get so far.  I am asking God for restoration as He would have it.  I don't know what that looks like but I know He's got me and I'm excited to see where we are going.

My verse for the year...
Isaiah 43:19  "See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."

Father God,

I am weary.  I am even doubting a little that my faith is not just some magical thinking.  I see you are taking care of things in your time and I am learning to trust you with my life.  I am learning to joyfully surrender control and the ones I love to your hands.  But sometimes I get overwhelmed with the what if's and I am afraid and I grab everything I just gave you back to carry on my own shoulders.  Help me surrender wholly to you.

The house saga is over.  Finally.  It's time to let go and move forward.  Thank you for the lessons learned and thank you for helping use my significant voice. 

Our marriage- we still have a marriage.  Thank you for that.  I am married to the love of my life and I am believing that you put us together for a divine purpose and you will work this hard time out in a way that glorifies you in the end...whatever that is.  Thank you for the opportunity to fight for each other and not take love for granted.

My sweet Daddy....my precious Momma....Alzheimers still sucks and I pray one day their is a cure.  For the victim and caregivers too. 

The love in my family overwhelms me with gratitude.  Our children are intricate weavings of our souls, my love for them is to infinity and beyond.  We are blessed with friends who walk by our side during the hard and good parts of this journey called life, for them I am thankful.

I look forward to seeing the way you make through the wilderness and I'm already feeling my thirst being quenched.  I am eagerly anticipating the hopes, dreams, relationships and joy only you can restore to myself, this life and my loved ones.

God, please bless our moments in 2014 and beyond.

In your precious name I pray,

your daughter, Sarah