New beginnings

Dear readers,
 
This will be my last post on this blog site.  I am eagerly anticipating creating a new blog in the near future though.  I've grown and received much healing through my entries here.  I love reading from the beginning and soaking in the goodness of change.  As my life begins a new season, I hope my writings will continue to contribute to my own healing as well as the healing of other hearts.  I love taking the journey together.
 

 

Tomorrow is my fifth birthday!  My fifth life celebration anniversary since the big ole' stroke.  I am not defined by that big ole' stroke but like all momentous life occasions, it has contributed to the shaping of me. 
 
I have determined that I will be embracing tomorrow with a heart of joy and celebration.  After all, it is a privilege to be alive and every moment deserves an honor of it's own.  I had also determined that this entire weekend would be met with a spirit of joy from me, I'm sad to report that's not what went down.
 
I have spent today hosting a tearful pity party...the guest of honor is ME!  Most of the sadness has been a result on my dwelling of what we do NOT have, what we do NOT know, why the odds are stacked against us, why my hopefulness is futile, why I should feel ashamed or scared or (insert whatever negative feeling you focus on here an inflate it X100.)  It has been a rough day full of inner turmoil for me.  So that I would not be alone, I pulled every other person I was around today right down with me.  Awesomeness....not.
 
I wanted to feel and be brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical, whole and surrendered today.  Instead I felt and behaved fearful, ashamed, distant from God, pitiful, doldrummy, broken and controlling, out of balance for sure. 

It's hard for me to surrender when my grip on the negative is so tight.  I'm singing myself the UH OH song right now. 

I'm going to snuggle in with Nathan, ask God to send his angels to sing over us tonight and pray for a joyful attitude and a good dose of self grace...and a night of sweet slumber.  I need the rest...tomorrow is my birthday!


God bless!

Sarah

I took a deep breath and I am letting go....

Tonight I write with a heart that is caught between the acceptance of liberation from trash in my past and a stubborn refusal to fully relinquish control.

In my post just prior to this one, I mentioned that I had stood silent for the past 10 months as another woman, uninvited, had infiltrated her way into my safe and sacred places.  I went on to convey a portion of the hell I have been put through at her hand, still, without violating her privacy and her healing process.  The disregard for my heart, for my spouses heart and for my family continued soon after as I recieved a nasty email or two from this woman less than 24 hours after I made my blog post.  

This leads to my current struggle.  I can choose to absolutely accept the opportunity to liberate myself from her injustice, if I hold to my forgiveness.  This means cutting all ties that bind.  This means I will not be tempted to look at the nasty one sided truth in her blog.  This means when thoughts of her come to my mind, I will pray them away, journal, walk, or talk to a trusted friend.  This means that I will see her for what she has been in my life, I will turn my back on what that has been was and I will move intentionally forward to the purpose God has made for me. This means if she continues to make her way methodically into our lives, I will seek the legal action I perhaps would've been wise to do in the past. IF I choose freedom, I will also be choosing to relinquish any false sense of control over her actions.  Those will be between she and her God.  Surrender.  Restoration.  Worth way more than my unwillingness to let go.

The past two years have been tough yet full of value.  I have learned that life is tough and I am tougher.  I have learned that I really CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I have been reminded that I AM a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical woman who is whole and surrendered, bathing in  the warmth of God's sunshine.  I AM because He is in me and He that is in me is greater than he (she) that is in the world.  I have learned that there truly is a thief who comes only to kill, steal and destroy and that this thief often comes dressed in sheeps clothing.  I have learned (real life training) that I must manage life or it will manage me.

My strongest desire is to live the love that God is.  I want to have a marriage that is more beautiful than even 'the best two years' Nathan and I have ever had.  I love my husband and my refusal to cut myself loose from the past is holding us back.  I'm all in.  I want to be all in.  My actions must match my wants. Nathan is all in.  Nathan wants to be all in.  We are worth every ounce of hard as our amazing children.  It's simple yet so complex, letting go of another's hurtful behavior is an immediate must for me.  Some people just don't get it, and if they get it they do not care.  Line in the sand drawn.  The devil deserves none of my time and energy, no matter the form he shows up in.

I am holding tight to these REAL TRUTHS....

"You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk."

"Sometimes you have to let go and be FREE."

"Letting go means trading something that's not working for freedom, and for the possibility of receiving something in the future that really, truly, does.  Let go of emotions, relationships, and situations that you know are not allowing you to be happy."  -Doe Zantamata

"Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but NOT a part of your destiny."  -Steve Maraboli

"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten."  Joel 2:25

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say this to the mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you."  Matthew 17:20

"The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One, says this: 'I live in the hight and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.  I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts."  Isaiah 57:15

Let go or be dragged

Good morning all!

These are the last moments I have with my Momma's computer before I must return it to her.  I have spent the greater part of the morning on it paying bills...or making arrangements to prevent anything from being cut off!  She has graciously given me the gift of borrowing her computer for over a week now and it has been my intention since day one to blog.  We see what happened with that.  :(

 I won't count it as a complete loss because daily my children have used this brilliant masterpiece of technology to complete homework and engage in a little gaming.  In this day and age, it is NOT FUN to be without a home computer.  Blech.  Guess what though?  We will survive until the day we have one again.  Maybe I should start a gofundme account for this purpose, ha!

There have been an incredible lot of things going on these past days and I currently don't know where I am headed with my writing this morning, I only know I MUST write now.  We shall see where my heart leads....

I have spent a bit too much time dwelling on unpleasantries, that seems to be my struggle as of late. I want to let go.  I want to surrender it to God.  Yet, I find myself really kind of angry, really pissed, at certain circumstances.  Resentful.  Resent brings ick, nothing but pure unproductive ick.  So, I ask myself the hard questions.  What is it costing me to hang on to the anger?  What am I missing out on by holding on to ick?  Even harder, what am I winning for myself or what is the pay off for not letting go?

Answers...it is costing me the fullness of joy in the moment to hang on to the anger.  I am missing out on what is now by continuing to carry bits and pieces of the past into today.  What am I winning?  What is the reward?  There is a very immature part of me that refuses to fully trust.  I refuse to fully forgive myself or another.  That way....just in case things don't turn out right....well, I have an out.  I 'knew' it would end up like that anyway.  I surround myself with  invisible walls that serve as false senses of security.

I really dislike each and every one of these answers.  I know they are a gift though for without the heart's insight, how does one grow?  We don't.  We stay stagnant and stagnant is not where I want to be.

It is a challenge to continuously rise above the actions of another.  After many prayers, hard conversations with wise friends and intimate honesty with myself, I have come to this conclusion.... Rising above is definately not always the easier path and it not even always the 'right' path.  Maybe the lesson for me is that rising above doesn't always have to be in regard to actions of another.

Perhaps rising above means to rise above my own actions.  What if it means to go beyond what I would usually respond with , stretch out of my comfort zone of being the sweet, nice girl and stand up for myself and for who I am?  Could rising above mean elevating myself to a new level of confidence that has nothing to do with another, and everything to do with me?  I believe so, and this is why I am going to share my next thoughts...

I have stood silent for the past 10 months as another woman, uninvited, has infiltrated her way into my sacred and safe places.  She had found her way into my marriage.  She went to great lengths to befriend me on facebook, TWICE, under the names of false characters she had created.  She investigated me enough to understand what pinged my heart and to use that knowledge to gain my friendship online.  She went through a training that my husband and I have been very engaged in and she has made heart connections with those who know my heart and my husband's heart.  She has publically stated my name and my husbands name as she freely blogged about us and her experience.  She has tagged my nieces in pictures that showed her involvement in my marriage on social media.  She continues to blog of some of this, even using direct quotes from a conversation we had.

OH MY GOSH!  This hurts.  All of this hurts.  I have chosen the 'higher path.'.  I have accepted that she is a child of God, just like me, and that HE wants to be reconciled to ALL of his children. I have given grace, I choose to forgive daily, I do not state her name or comment on her blog or notify her innocent children of the past.  I am not perfect, I am no martyr.  I mess up ALOT.   I am a work in progress.  I am a work in progress who wants desperately to be left alone to heal our marriage and our family without continued threat and involvement from this woman....she knows who she is. God knows who she is.  It is hard to let go when I am consistently being held on to.

"Let go or be dragged"....how to let go when she won't?  Enough is enough.

42

• "Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."  -Kahlil Gibran

Today, my 42nd birthday...it has been a supremely lovely day.  I have been surrounded with all that I love.  Family, friendship, children, animals, flowers, delicious food, books, a bubble bath, snuggles, naps, a walk, meaningful heartfelt words, faith, zestiness, gentleness and so much more have adorned me today.  Certainly I celebrate 42 years.  42 years filled with life...not always easy, not always pretty....always filled with love and always held in my Savior's arms.  I am grateful.

I started receiving texts and emails last night wishing me a happy birthday celebration.  I am already like a little kid with birthdays....I think they are a BIG DEAL and I really love recognizing them as such.

This morning began with waking John by singing Happy Birthday to Me in an off key, scratchy morning voice.  I can still make my 13 year old smile....something to cherish. 

I walked John to school and continued with my own morning walk, talk with and listen to God.  Seeing the morning sky brings me tremendous comfort always.  Good times.  Some of the holiest times in my life occur during my walk; great inspiration to keep it up.

While I walked, my Momma and my sister Beth called to serenade me with the Happy Birthday song.  I sure miss my Daddy singing on that call but Beth and Mom make a pretty awesome duet.  

I arrived home to the hottest husband in town (my husband) and to 9 year old Stella...the brightest ray of sunshine in my world.  I got to have time to help her through her homework, chat with Nathan a bit and enjoy a little coffee.

I had a few moments to get ready for work and really consider how much of a miracle it is that I am here.  Actually, how much of a miracle life is for any of us and how precious it is.  Knowing that not in a way that makes me fearful of losing it (life), but knowing that in a way that makes me want to live it fully and be thankful in every single moment, every season.  EVERY SEASON.

I walked into Mrs. Mitchell's classroom to the sound of the sweetest kindergarten class singing Happy Birthday to Mrs. T (that's me) and then found myself in the middle of their group hug.  Each of them had made me a card and Mrs. Mitchell had hung a Happy Birthday sign in the room.  My heart was so touched by their kindness.  

We had a little Gingerbread Boy visit our classroom today and he had run away, so as a class we went on a school tour following clues to find him.  Watching the faces of the children...pure joy.  Watching Mrs. Mitchell engage with them as they looked for the Gingerbread Boy...magical.  These simple moments filled my heart with happy!

I received flowers at work from one of my dearest friends, Michelle.  Flowers are life.  I love them.  I love them even more when a friend I love like a sister surprises me with them.  love love love lovely.

I received an awesome picture from Mrs. Mitchell.  It says..."Faith is when you close your eyes and open your heart."  We have worked together for not even three full weeks now but I am so excited to work together this year.  She is an amazing teacher and I see a fabulous friendship in the making.  I love knowing that she already knew I would find so much value in this gift.

I took Stella home from school a little early...cuz' it's my birthday.  We went to visit Beth and see how she is feeling and then we went to pick up John.  Then...home for a nap.  It was supposed to be 20 minutes or so and I crashed for nearly 3 hours...refreshing!

Nathan and the kiddos presented me with "Wonder" and "365 days of Wonder". I have been looking forward to reading these!  A card filled with loving wishes, a scarf for fall and new earbuds too...I feel spoiled.  

Went to see my Momma, (Beth and Auntie were there too)...you have to see your Momma on your birthday if she is on this earth and it's feasible...because she's your Momma!  I'm extra lucky because my Momma is also my friend, my encourager, my strength and she let me live inside her body for 9 months...now she lets me reside in her heart, mind and life.

John opted to go to a football game with friend's tonight.  Hard to release that rope a little, but I must.  I hope he is having a grand time, truly.  I enjoyed spending the rest of the evening with Stella and Nathan...I still missed my young man.

Nathan, Stella and I went to see my Daddy at his memory center.  I figured even if he doesn't know me today, I know him.  I know he is my Daddy and has a great deal to do with the fact that I am here for my 42nd birthday.  We shared lots of hugs, lots of I love you's and lots of singing Happy Birthday and You are My Sunshine.  We visited with all the residents because they have all become precious to us.  I don't think he knew us alot of tonight...he did know we were familiar I believe.  He told Stella and I how beautiful we were and he told Nathan how lucky he was to have these beautiful women in his life.  A worthy visit.  

Last, we went to Sushi Hanna...my favorite sushi ever.  YUM.  A treat.  An extremely yummy treat.  Saw a family there that I knew from my preschool days....love them.  

In every phone calls, every text, every email and fb post...every hug, card, kind word, smile, I have been loved.  From every corner and in every moment today I have been reminded of what a wonderful life this is.  My focus has been constantly been turned to the blessings that make my world rich.  From all directions I have seen, I have heard and I have felt that I MATTER.  What a gift this day has been.

Home now...

Stella sleeps beside me.

John is home and covering me with hugs.

Nathan and I share intimate conversation about simple things that are hard....life.

Rusty snores, Maple stills, Froggy meows and Toby licks his eyeballs.

God is so present.

This is my world.

I am loved.  I love.  Love wins.  A beautiful birthday.

• "Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."  -Kahlil Gibran

My heart is well lit with a radiant brightness.  Thank you Jesus for all.

A struggle kind of evening

I am feeling these tonight....

shame, distrust in myself, sadness, guilt, fear, worries, doubt, anger, a lack of hope.....all of these.

 I believe feelings can lie and so I am working hard to exchange the shame and distrust for confidence; the guilt for forgiveness; the sadness for joy; the fear, worries and doubt for trust; the anger with compassion and the lack of hope with the faith that my God has big, bold, beautiful plans for me.

I am at the same choicepoint I often find myself loving others through. I know this place personally as well.  Can I acknowledge all of these ick feelings and allow myself to feel the weight of them for a moment and then LET GO so I may move forward?  I can...sure.  Will I?  Perhaps I should linger in the suckiness for a little while and fight what I am feeling...stuff it down or mask it.  Choicepoint.  Since I have learned the hard way that the latter never leads to a place of peace, I am going to focus on the first option.  I'm even going to openly write about it here in the gentle hope that I will find relief in sharing with an authentic, open heart and another will find an "I'm not alone" comfort in reading.

I quit my full time job (that I loved) at the beginning of this summer.  I felt so strongly that God was leading me in that direction and my heart knew it was best for my family and I.  I didn't know what was next and I kind of still don't.  I had big plans to sell meals and baked goods as well as provide childcare this summer.  I accomplished maybe a quarter of what I had 'planned'.  This means we were back to being a one income family for the summer.  Quite honestly, we had not budgeted at all for this change.

Instead of carrying out all of my plans, I focused on the healing of my heart, on loving my parents, on the recovery of our family and on letting God and everyone else love us. It's been tough at times, nonetheless,  we are traveling down a healtier road in our marriage and as a family and there is nothing more worthwhile than that healing is right now.  Thus, the result in that area is priceless and a God gift.

That said, tonight this flood of negative emotions is an outcome of the stress I am experiencing because of the choice I made in trust to quit working full time.  Honestly, although I quit in trust and I did not naively think everything would come easy, my plans to help us through didn't happen and we have struggled.  We have had help and I despise that at 42 years of age we need help.  I have conversations with myself about resuming full time work, yet in my heart there is no peace in that option.  I believe that our son needs me home for the hour he is out of school before our daughter gets home.  I believe that I need afternoons to help my parents however I can and to take care of our home.  I know we are fragile and still in recovery mode.  I know my part time job at the school is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.  I love the students, my coworkers, friends...every bit of it.  I also know that if we can't pay our bills it's not a great thing.

I know God has this covered but I feel an incredible amount of trepidation about what I am supposed to do now.  I am also having such trouble with forgiveness and letting go when it comes to our mortgage loan (where a huge chunk of our income goes every month).  This is so hard because we are here every day to see the chaotic environment, the damage done to our home, the work that remains to be done and corrections that need made.  A very personal struggle to me.

I have a load of guilt for daring to complain about any of this.  I wonder if I am grieving God's spirit with my whining.  Why do I have such a lack of success at letting go of everything?  I have practiced surrender over and over and over again.  I guess I'm gonna have to practice it some more, probably for a lifetime.

Last week, one of my kindergarten friends showed me the picture he drew.  I asked him to tell me about it.  He said, "it shows how rich my family is,  we have diamonds, new cars, lots of jewelry and fancy furniture."  I acknowledged his hard work and told him that my family was rich as well, but in different ways.  I said, "we have love, joy, faith, trust, compasstion and fun."  I truly believe that and know we are a privileged people.

It is an honor to live this life, this I know, yet in my humanness I struggle.  I don't want a magic wand, I am willing to work HARD.  Truly, right now I want my Daddy's assurance that everything will work out.  I want my Momma to not worry about us.  I want to know with peace and confidence that everything will be okay...that it IS okay already.  I want that....yesterday.  :)

There it is....my current struggle.  I would love you to cover our family in prayers.

My hearts prayer

Shhhh.

Dearest God,

I give you this school year.  I give you these times.  They seem so very daunting.  I know there is so much more to be done and only one of me.  My notions of what I can accomplish in two days are unrealistic and it is my human inclination to pile one task upon another until I am so overwhelmed there will not be success no matter how much I do.  So, Lord, can I just give my time to you?  I will be the hands and feet if you will just direct my path.  Can you help me still my busy mind and will you please grant peace to my chaotic heart?

I give you my babies....John and Stella...okay, I give you your babies and I thank you for the gift they are in my life.  The smiles, the laughter, the sunshine, the screaming, the tears, the attitudes, the scared feelings that I get when I think I am ruining them, the sacred souls that they are....I hand them back to you.  Please cover them with your love and God, please, please let them walk in the light.  I ask that you surround them with those who know you until they are strong in their faith...and then let them surround those that need to know you.  These children, they teach me so much more about life and myself than I ever knew; help me be the best Momma to them I can be.  Help me help them love you.

I give you my beautiful nieces and nephews....the originals and the greats.  They have blessed my life and they make it richer every day.  Walk with them, hold them when they need held and let them see you BIG.  These are my first and last babies God, and I treasure them and thank you for them daily.
They are young people, some with old souls, some fresh and innocent, some with hurting and wounded hearts.  Care for them and show them how to care for others as you would.

I give you my brothers and my sisters.  These people that I share the greatest similarities and the greatest differences with make my world a better place.  They have known my joys and my sorrows, and I have known theirs.  Let us love each other fully, know each other deeply and remain united always.  I love these precious hearts and am grateful for all they have taught/teach me.  There is no love like theirs.

I pray for my Auntie.  I love her very much.  She always knows when a heart is hurting and I know her own heart has ached since my Uncle died.  I don't even know what to ask God.  Hold her always, love her earnestly.  Surround her with love, always.

I give you my precious Momma and sweet Daddy.  Help me care for them as they have cared for me. Help me treat them with the dignity and respect that they truly deserve.  Sometimes, I am tired and my Momma especially gets the icky of me, help me work on that.  God, these times are tough.  I need to know that you are holding my Daddy in your arms through his disease and that you are loving my Momma in the most beautiful of ways.  Show my Momma her beauty and strength.  Help her know how much she is cherished by us and by you.

I give you my marriage.  You know God, this one is tough.  Last year was ugly and now you are blessing us with the restoration I prayed for.  Let us help continue rebuilding and help us be that couple that truly can say how much stronger we were after the infidelity.  I love Nathan.  He is my heart.  Help me unclench my fists and hand him over to you.  (Funny...I know you already have him, so my holding on is useless).  Pursue his heart in a way that he knows with his eyes, with his ears, with his heart and with his feelings that YOU ARE REAL and that you always have and always will love him. Help me trust, help me let go and let YOU!   God, I know you have a plan for us and I trust we didn't go through muck for nothing.  Let us be the light.  Let us tell our story where it counts.  Let us be your vessels of healing.  Please.

I give you my friends and I give you my non friends.  I mention them together because I know we are all your kids and you love us all the same.  I thank you for each of their presences in my life.  Even when I wished they weren't ever in my life, you had a purpose and for that I will be forever thankful.  Help me be a friend who very clearly is walking with you God, and help me show others your love, light and joy.  For my non friends.....frenemies.....enemies.....they are your treasure too God.  Help me remember that everyone deserves to be reconciled to you, this does not equate with me having to reconcile with everyone.  Help me live out forgiveness, mercy and grace and help me ask for it when I need it.

Lastly God, I give you those walking in your light and joy.  That they may be thankful for you always.  I pray for those hurting and wounded hearts that feel like there is no hope.  Show them hope God, show them love.

Thank you for listening God.  Thank you for loving me.  It's ALL in your hands.

In Jesus name I gratefully pray,

Amen.

Sarah

My heart's journey, this morning....

I have spent the last few days grumpy, sad, burdened and at a loss for what to do.  Our dear friends lost their precious 18 year old son this week.  Christian took his own life on July 31, 2014, also the 27 year anniversary of my brother Brent's death.  A painful day and somehow still, a day to rejoice.  Rejoice not in death, of course.  Death stings and leaves us with an inexplicable void.  The rejoice is in the celebration of the life had for a season and in the life that is to come.  However, right now, we are all in pain, it's the heartbreak that overwhelms and the new reality that stings.  There are other things making my heart sad, but in no way do they compare.

 I find as life overwhelms and as I begin to grip (opposite of letting go) everything painful again, my connection with God becomes distant.  Certainly not severed, though there have been times I have felt that too.  Just distant.  The opposite of whole...broken.  The opposite of surrendered... controlling.  The opposite of brave...retreating.  The opposite of truly happy....mask wearing.  The opposite of whimsical...oppressed and tight.  The opposite of worthy...self hatred.  The opposite of loved by God...the lies Satan feeds my tired human self.  The opposite of basking in God's sunshine...bathing in the darkness.  Get it?  A pretty solemn picture.

My heart feels broken when I think of Christian and how his heart mustv'e felt during his last days and hours on earth.  I wonder how deep was his sense of hoplessness and despair?  I wonder if he thought that the life of others would somehow be better without his presence.  And, oh, how I desperately wish I, we, anyone could've been the light for him, the hope, the love.  I don't know if he would've allowed that.  Then there is the guilt along with countless unanswered questions.  As I discovered on my walk this morning, at least for me, there is also a little anger and resentment toward God (maybe even a whole lot).

 I love Christian.  I have loved him since he was in his Momma's tummy.  My favorite memory of him is when we went to visit them in Dallas many moons ago.  Christian was about two.  We were outside and he was wearing a black leather jacket and jeans.  He was full of toddler energy, feisty and affectionate with the best giggle.  We blew bubbles for what seemed like forever.  He giggled the whole time (except when he spat on one of us...some of us still giggled)!  He was joyful and free and I believe that he is joyful and free now....but I miss him.  I wonder why this isn't one of the times when God chose to swoosh in and save the day...to save Christian.  I wondered why He didn't do this the whole last year as well.  He didn't though, and that's that.

I love/hate Romans 8:28,  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  I love it because I know I can 100% stand on God's promise that there will be good, and I know nothing is wasted.  I hate it because no where does it say that God and I will have the same idea of good nor does He promise to give me all my requested answers.  So God didn't allow things to happen in a way that I think I would think is best...but again, he's got the panoramic view and I have the snapshot.  He is God, I am not.

I know His love remains steady in joy and in pain.  I picture Christian right now as little boy Christian in the black leather jacket blowing bubbles and giggling.....with God....with angels....with his grandparents and his little sister Trinity.  I am pretty certain God wept when Christian wept, that he weeps with those hurting now and that he will rejoice with us when we rejoice.

The time I used to spend on daily walks was a special time of connection for me and God.  Since these walks were times of connections and I have totally avoided them for a good solid year, it makes sense that my closeness with God feels a bit fizzled.  I mean, He is here.  We chat all day and sometimes all night long.  I don't do a whole lot of being still and I sure don't do much listening.  I am determined to care for myself and the most significant part of that is making time for God and I and our walks a priority.  This morning, I begrudgingly put my tennis shoes on right after I brushed my teeth...and a bra.  That's about it.  The pajamas and the attitude remained.  I grabbed ear plugs, my phone and headed out into the already humid morning.

Ten minutes.  That's it.  I only had to walk 10 minutes....it's a start.  I walked slowly at first, my head swarming with lists and lists of to do's and should have dones.  The sun was pretty and peeking from behind the trees, but it was HOT!  (Did I mention sweating is not my thing?)  Nothing in the worship music I heard really caught my attention.  (Bear with me, because the post is way less about me and way more about God and sweet Christian).  As I walked, some of the words to songs begin to seep in, until the song about putting my trust in Jesus came on.  The tears began to flow and I let God know how angry I was, how sad, and how messed up this is.  I prayed for everyone, including me....I could feel a small wall I was keeping up between God and I.  I asked Him how in the world I was supposed to put my trust in someone who allows this to happen.  God didn't reach down and scoop me up out of the pain, he didn't yell at me for being angry, he didn't stop my tears....nothing.  I heard nothing, and then I knew...time to shhhh.  So I walked, and I cried and the Holy Spirit began to fill my grumpy heart with something close to joy...coming in gentle waves, warming my heart and softenining my borders.  I stopped trying to ask question, I stopped talking, I just soaked in the lovlieness I could feel.

I was going to head back home but I felt one more round would be nice and maybe a song would come on that would be medicine to my heart.  (I had not looked at the clock once, that alone tells me I was entering a place of God and Sarah time).  I asked God to reveal himself to me because I was really needing him.  (It's more like asking him to help me open the eyes of my heart, to surrender and feel Him, for He never left me in at all.)

As I turned to make another loop, the song "I'll fly away" came on.  This song is immensely special to me on many levels.  I laughed out loud.  I held my hands out like wings and I closed my eyes, spinning and imagining I was flying.  (No neighbor called the police on me, for this I am thankful).  Christian was on my heart this whole time, joyful, free, smiling.  When I opened my eyes and turned around, I was standing in rays of sunshine beaming down.  Rusty (our golden retriever) and Maple (our special girl) had spotted me from a block away and were running, running, running toward me.  I bent down and called them by name.  They practically knocked me over because they were so happy to see me.  (nevermind that I had seen them less than an hour before).  Christian, again in my heart....I thought of God welcoming him with the most beautiful joy Christian had ever experienced.  I thought of Christian running, running, running toward God for an embrace from his heavenly father that he had been waiting for his whole life.  My heart smiled and gave thanks for the way God spoke to it this morning.

Please pray for Christian's sweet and hurting family and friends.  This pain is deep.  So deep.  There has been a fund set up for Christian, this will cover funeral and burial expenses, medical bills and whatever else is needed at this time.  If you go to http://www.gofundme.com/christian-snyder, donations can me made.  I'm sure every little bit helps.

God bless.

Sarah

p.s.  Nathan had posted the following bro tip on his fb wall the night before Christian died....it says
"If only for a second, stop and appreciate the fact that you're alive."

So true.

Light

Here I am....here we are....

In a flurry of circumstance;  2013 brought great pain.  Uninvited infidelity (is it ever invited?), huge betrayal in a business deal by 'friends', Daddy's Alzheimer's progressing at a faster pace than anyone could keep up with, my precious Granny going to Heaven....those are the biggies.  Dreams I dared to dream were shattered and hopes I lived to hope were demolished. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day that Nathan spoke words to me that broke my heart to a point I believed irrepairable.  I was reminded of this while flipping through my old journal.  I didn't need reminding...some words the heart buries in a deep dark place but they are always there ready to surface.  Sometimes though, bringing those words out of the dark and into the light is the first step to finding your way back home.

Speaking of coming out of the dark....I have had quite a few people ask me lately if Nathan and I experienced infidelity before or after going to Pathways.  It grieves my heart to speak the truth and say 'after' simply because I don't want that to be a discouragement.  So here is my response....Some of what I got from Pathways.... tools for living a full, emotionally mature, engaged, joy filled,  brave life.  Ways to let go of my fears/anxieties/need for control (didn't say destroyed them, said ways to let go).  Another gift I found there is that I began to understand who I was made to be and as a result, had a heart full of restored hope and healing.  Lastly, and most importantly, Pathways helped me break down my own barriers/walls and it was a place that I drew closer to God than ever I had experienced in my life.  If God has never offered me an easy, perfect life then how in the world could I expect that from a organization(wonderful as it is) made of humans?   That relationship with God, the authentic relationships I have built in and out of Pathways, Sunday night class and the best counselor ever (Missy N...., pm me if you need a referral) have gotten us back into the light and out of the dark.  That said, I would tell you that everyone doesn't NEED Pathways, but everyone DESERVES it....because as they say, 'in life, it's not a matter of IF the trainwrecks will come, it's WHEN.'  In addition, if we are all God's creation (I believe this is a yes), who would he say doesn't deserve to live life full in and full out?

God works in funny ways.  Through tragedy, He has shown me who I truly am.  I am a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical woman, an engaged and trusting Momma with the heart of a child AND a whole, surrendered woman basking in the warmth of God's sunshine.  I AM.  Add to that...I am God's princess.  I am full of mercy, grace, forgiveness, peace, and love.  I am tall, and I amazing.  All of last year's junky gunk has allowed me to step into who I have known I am and more.  I always had the words, now I have the circumstances and tools to live it out.

I am honestly so excited to see where God leads next.  I will be working as a Kindergarten assistant part time.  I'll be cooking.  I'll be writing, taking baths, taking walks, reading and burning yummy smelling candles.  I'll be doing what matters to my heart and to the heart of my husband and my family.  I'll be loving others and myself.  I'll be visiting my Mom and Dad alot and making time for friends, play, and JOY!  I will be back to volunteering at Pathways.  I will be working on becoming fully who God made me to be and part of that goal for me is to feel like a sexy woman!  (to me, an attitude that I feel inside....nothing to do with anyone else).

Alas, broken hearts and wounded spirits can heal, marriages can be restored and families do make it through the hardest of times.  That season of great chaos became the season of great growth and is now flourishing into the season of great healing and restoration that I've been praying for (really, all of my life).

God bless you all.  Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement, and thank you for reading.

love,
sarah

Perspective

I keep waiting for clarity and for the perfect moment to sit down and write.  I'm laughing, because even that simple statement feels so overwhelming to me!  Clarity?  Perfect?  C'mon, if I didn't know it before, this year has certainly cemented the fact there is not even perfection in clarity nor is there always clarity in perfection.  Depends on the perspective....

So...I have just completed our first week of summer vacation. May 30, 2014 was my last day as a Resource Coordinator at Sooner Start.  It was also the last day that we had a 3rd and 6th grader in the house.  I have spent this week relishing the time with our soon to be 4th and 7th graders; actually listening to the important voices of those that I love; walking, cooking,  reading...writing...playing, praying; retraining myself to breathe and in the art of caring for ME while enjoying each moment AS IT COMES and catching up where and with whom I can.

The last year has been crazy busy.  Full of change, (not all solicited), heartache, betrayal, angst and sadness.  In the midst of all of this, I kind of just got pulled under and I was doing all I could to catch a breath.  I didn't fully realize what was happening to me...just that my world as I knew it was upside down and inside out.  I have gained weight, I have disconnected with what and whom I love most, I have become more anxious and I have certainly stopped managing my own life. 

I didn't understand why God was calling me away from the job and families that I loved, but I had no doubt he was doing so.  I learned that just because I follow where God is leading, does not mean it's an easy task.  I'm beginning to 'get it' though, I feel like God is gifting me with a season of rest and rejuvenation....all part of the restoration I began praying for last year.  I am actually getting quite excited, not just about what is next but about what is now!  I'm not certain about so many things, but I am certain that God has this under control and He definitely has better than 'our' best in mind.  It's gonna be okay.

There are two quotes that keep landing on my heart, I want to share them:

"YOU WILL COME TO KNOW THAT WHAT APPEARS TODAY TO BE A SACRIFICE WILL PROVE INSTEAD TO BE THE GREATEST INVESTMENT THAT YOU WILL EVER MAKE."
-Gordon B.Hinckley

AND....

Someone asked the Dalai Lama what surprises him most?  This was his response....

"MAN, BECAUSE HE SACRIFICES HIS HEALTH IN ORDER TO MAKE MONEY.  THEN HE SACRIFICES MONEY TO RECUPERATE HIS HEALTH.  AND THEN HE IS SO ANXIOUS ABOUT THE FUTURE THAT HE DOES NOT ENJOY THE PRESENT OR THE FUTURE; HE LIVES AS IF HE IS NEVER GOING TO DIE, AND THEN HE DIES HAVING NEVER REALLY LIVED.

Omgosh.  ping.ping.ping.


 I never imagined that what the last year has been would be my story, and I am just beginning to comprehend that it is NOT my story, it is only a chapter in my book.  A painful chapter, yet one with many gifts.  Again....depends on the perspective.

A summary of now

I was reading through my journal from the last year tonight.  As I read, memories and events came flooding back. At first, I felt like I was intruding on someone else's life.  Gradually, I gripped the fact that the words I was reading are from my very own heart and they are the words that make up a portion of my story.   It's amazing what I have buried deep and chosen not to deal with, I didn't even remember certain things until I read my own written words....I was quickly transported back to the moment.  Quickly the pain knives into my soul, quickly the hot tears fall from my tired eyes, quickly my body racks with silent sobs that turn into child like wails. 

The truth is, 2013 was a tough year.  If you have followed any of my writing or know me at all, you know the scoop well.  My Dad has been and is transitioning through the ugliness of Alzheimers disease.  My Momma has been and is grieving an inexplicable daily loss of her true love.  The "slow goodbye" sums up the nastiness of Alzheimer's quite accurately.  We lost our precious and beloved Granny.  More grieving.  Our actual physical home has been in a constant state of flux and chaos.  We were betrayed by close friends and there was betrayal in our marriage.  Nathan and I were separated, living in two different homes for a time.  I began working full time again.  Add to that the stress and pain family and friends have been through and it's easy to see - 2013 was a tough year.  It's a lovely attribute that I am also able to have gratitude and joy in these moments, and I have love lifting me up on all sides at all times...this does not change the reality of pain though.  I feel anger like I have never felt before, I feel ready to fight for my territory that has been unrightfully challenged....it is not okay for anyone to keep peeing on my grass (as a dear friend so eloquently put it!)  I feel weak alone but when I see how far God has carried me, I have the strength to lean harder into Him.

There are days when things feel lighter, and I am certain we are crossing the proverbial bridge.  There are days that are heavy and I feel doubts creep in.  That is when I have to actively choose love.  I believe love, as well as forgiveness are choices.  HARD choices sometimes.  I also believe that giving up would be a HARD choice...so I choose the road less traveled and the one that I trust holds full restoration and healing.  I choose the difficult road because I believe it is the path that will bring back home where we belong.  We are so worth it, I have to remind myself of this when my exhaustion seeps in, when my feelings lie and when I am accused.  I have to remember whose child I am.  Traveling up the mountain we continue to climb.

release

It's one of those morning where my heart is filled with peace in some situations and trepidation in others.  Those two...peace and trepidation collide and I'm processing through writing, hoping that brings some light and full peace to my situation.

My Daddy seems to be content in his new home.  There is great peace in that.  It puts me at ease to know that he is safe, he can walk circles all night if he wishes and we can visit at any time.  It brings me joy to feel bonds grow as my dear family pulls together to ensure we are all apart of daily visits to Daddy and loving each other and him through this.  It hurts my heart to go through the adaptation of not having him home anymore. He has been the center of many of our lives for the last couple of years, he IS my Momma's universe.
Now, instead of being scared for his safety, worried for my Momma's stress level and just exhausted from constantly being 'on', we have turned to different tasks....learning the ins and outs of the center, its's rules/staff/residents, deciding whose turn it is to make a nightly or morning check in call, still worrying about my Momma, and visiting, visiting, visiting.  A new type of exhaustion.  There is a simultaneous peace and weariness in the process of letting go.  Releasing.

I resigned from a job that I truly love.  I gave a two month notice, so my last day will be May 30.  This means as of today, I have exactly 30 days there to leave my legacy.  I want to make sure my families are in a good place and that the person stepping in for me is well equipped to provide services to each family.  It seems like so much to do in a very little amount of time.  Never enough time.  I have many co workers who I love dearly, and they will be hard to leave.  I was absolutely sure when I resigned that I was being led to leave, and I didn't know why.  I still do not. 
It is a huge exercise in trust and I begin to feel familiar self doubt creeping in.  Where will we find the money we need?  What if it doesn't work out?  What if I am incorrect in where I feel 'led'?  I have to consistently shush myself.  In the quiet, my heart wonders how many opportunities I have missed because I have refused to step outside of what is safe and familiar, even if it wasn't for my best?  This is a new adventure, new beginnings on the horizon, IF I will release what is not, never was and never will be 'mine'.

I got to meet with someone last week that has been in my life for over a year.  I never knew this person was in my life until January, 2014...and then I found that they had been playing quite an unwelcome and intrusive role behind the scenes in our marriage.  Meeting with them was another thing I felt 'led' to do.  I did ask God, "why?", many times.  In the end, I felt such an overwhelming peace and calm that I had no doubt that the meeting was supposed to occur.  It was not easy but it was a truly good thing for my heart, and I do hope for that persons heart as well.  Again, I am left working on full release. 

The theme is obvious, isn't it?   It is time to let go, to release to God and let God do what only God does.  I wonder....when I am able to do this, will the trepidation be gone and the peace be overwhelming?  I do believe that is the case.  I prayed for restoration.  I can't have the new until the old is completely torn down.  But man, the process is tough, isn't it?

Stella just turned on Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun."  We danced.  I DO wanna be the one who walks in the son/sun....I fully trust I cannot do that while I am hanging on so tightly to all else.

Simply my Daddy

Happy Easter 2014!  These last couple of weeks have wreaked havoc on my actions, but alas...my intentions have been beautiful.  Forgive me if my writing is scattered, that is just a mirror to my life right now.  :)  Although this post is not concentrated on gratitude, I just want to emphasize how much I have realized how blessed I am to have such support from loving friends and family.  My dear siblings and my Momma....not enough words in the human language to express how much they hold my heart together when it is broken.  So thankful.

Yesterday, I took John with me to the Jenks Herb and Garden festival.  He fussed the entire way there and the first 20 minutes.  This is John's typical response in unfamiliar situations.  After a bit, he shared, "Momma, don't say I told you so, but this is a lot more fun than I thought it would be."  Victory!  We got some awesome plants and seeds, saw lots of cool dogs and ran into many friends.

This year the kids each get their own garden box and John chose to plant watermelon and a 'ghost pepper' plant.  This young man hates peppers, and he hates hot, spicy food.  Thus, it makes sense that he chose the second hottest pepper on earth.  The sign said the 'scorpion pepper' was the hottest and I finally managed to talk him out of that one, so he settled on the ghost variety.  Trying to think like a 12 year old boy - whether I like peppers or not doesn't change the fact that it sounds way cool to say I grew a ghost pepper....one of the hottest peppers ever!  I hope if they are prolific, we have friends who want them.

Yesterday and today I got my hands in the dirt...literally.  I weeded, shoveled, turned soil and set plants.  The point is that I did it all begrudgingly, in the beginning.  All of it, the festival and the gardening.  You see, it has always made my Father so proud to see me gardening.  He comes from a farming family and I used to believe he was proud because I was continuing the practice (on a very small scale).  Today, I think he was proud simply because he saw the joy and excitement gardening brought me.  It was a topic we could talk about other than cars, and I loved those conversations. When I began gardening, Dad was the one who tilled my garden and helped me plant.  As the years passed, I'd take him with me to purchase plants, usually from Conrad's in Bixby.  Later, he would 'supervise' and give me helpful hints.  I never planted the tomatoes far enough apart, and I never made the hills and straight lines he recommended.  Still, he was proud.  Last year, Dad was a little lost while Ethan, Nathan, the kids and I planted, but he still shared a bit of wisdom and enjoyed watching the action.   Momma drove him over countless times to see my garden growing and every time I felt like a little kid, excited to see my parents so I could share my accomplishments with them.  This year, my Daddy is not at home to enjoy my garden, thus, I dreaded even doing it. 

Where is my Daddy?

My precious Daddy was admitted to a hospital unit for Seniors with dementia.  He has been there several days now, and it has been a roller coaster ride for us all.  Some days are good, some days are bad; I would not say any have been excellent.  There are times that we are certain we have made the best decisions, and there are days we doubt every decision made.  Again and again I say, Alzheimer's sucks.

We can only visit him one hour each day during his stay in the unit.  One hour.  My Momma is used to round the clock, 24 hour time with my dad.  My sister, our spouses, our brother, these children of ours...their grandchildren...Daddy and his Alzheimer's are all a big part of our lives.  One hour is difficult to say the least.  In the beginning, it is restful.  Then, as you begin to catch up on the rest- reality sets in.  Reality that life has changed dramatically and that once more, a 'new normal' is occurring, with or without our permission.

Tomorrow is his 80th birthday.  My Daddy.  The Swahili.  The tireman.  The guy who plays the accordion beautifully and plays the melodies by ear.  My Daddy who has always said he will live to 104.  The man of great wisdom such as, 'if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump it's ass every time it tried to fly.' and 'I don't mind birthdays, they are better than the alternative'.  My encourager.  My Daddy who always smelled wonderfully clean and left the scent of his cologne on the leather of his truck steering wheel.  My daddy with the grease stained hands. The fisherman.  The helper.  The maker of silly faces. My Daddy the hard worker (some might say workaholic).  My Daddy who can whistle any tune and who always tried to see the bright side.  My hard headed, stubborn, set in his ways, cuss at his broken lawn equipment, Daddy.  The one who always filled Momma's car with gas, the one who protected, the one who really believes the best about his kids (but also knew the worst), the one who loves us with all he has.  My Daddy who finds his God not inside of a church building but rather, in the great outdoors.  And all he is was never perfect.  Ever.  It was though, absolutely real and just what I needed to be who I am (which has also never been perfect).

Tomorrow, April 21, 2014 is Daddy's 80th birthday.  Tomorrow, we move this sweet Father of ours to his new home, a place designed just for those who need 'memory care'.  Memory care.  Memory care.  Still processing the weight of the fact that this is where we are.  This is bittersweet.  I hope he loves it there, and I pray we are confident and at peace with decisions made.

My most recent visit with Daddy was two days ago.  It was a really good visit, the most positive one I've had with him in a long time.  He greeted me with a smile and a, "Hi, guy!"  He introduced me to some of the staff as his beautiful son. I've been 'his son' for quite a while now, but not since his admission to the hospital.  Somehow, there is sweet relief in being 'his son', or 'bud' once more.

 We walked.  We talked.  I promised him that when I planted my garden this year, I would heed his advice and put the tomato plants a good distance apart, and in a line.  He talked about tire gauges.  We were holding two separate conversations and we were holding hands.  As we circled the floor, we stopped so he could smile and speak to the same people he had spoken to a few moments earlier.  He sought out a new patient who was very tearful, and he asked her what was wrong.  She wept, and told him how she just wanted to go home.  He placed his giant hand on her shoulder gently and said, "I have a sign in my store that says, 'if you think you can, you will.'  He gave her shoulder an encouraging squeeze and we resumed our walk.  I cherish that glimpse of my Daddy, he is in there somewhere, the Alzheimer's is just hiding him deeper every day.

 I'm going to see my Daddy tomorrow.  I will be sure and tell him Happy Birthday. I will let him know that I really did set the tomato plants a decent distance apart, although I could not bear to do hills...and I attempted to make straight lines. I will let him know that although I entered into my project begrudgingly, the dirt did it's therapy on me and I'm excited about my garden. I will tell him how deeply I love him and how thankful I am for him, and how I hurt for his hurt and am thankful for his life.  I will tell him, thank you for simply being my Daddy.

 I  pray John, Stella and Nathan are able to see him too.  I pray it is an EXCELLENT day.

tiny update

There is so very much I want to say.  Countless words written on my heart that I long to share but I know deep inside of me that it's just not time yet.  There will be a time.  A time when Nathan and I will share our journey out loud for all to hear.  A time when we will share how these sad times strengthened us somehow.  I truly believe this.  It has always been and will always be my prayer that our story is used to help others and to glorify the power of God.  So....here we are, with some excellent content to add to our story and the opportunity to deepen the love in our legacy.

Right now we are mending brokenness.  We are smack in the middle of restoration and healing....what a process it is.  What a beautifully ugly process. I earnestly plea for your continued prayers.  Nothing about life is 'easy' right now, and that's just the way it is.  I am learning to look up, look in and reach out more than is in my comfort zone for sure.  Some days...strength, grace and peace abound.  Even on those days, unfortunate memories creep in and try to steal what is becoming with what was.  Alas, I am reminded, WE ARE HERE.  HE IS IN CHARGE.  The past is exactly that, past, and the present is our gift.  What will we do with it?

It's difficult...

My Daddy's days are getting rougher and rougher.  It is almost the time that I didn't want to come.  I love he and my Momma; it's a desperate feeling to know there is no earthly power to stop the progression of this terrible disease..  I am so sad and I am grasping for the lovely here.  It is there, again, in words I am not ready to share.  Alzheimer's - MEAN. 

Sometimes I spend too much energy soaking in the fear.  When I come to my senses, I picture myself snuggled up on God's lap. Held.  I'm held.  We are held.

With that sweet thought...may angels sing around us all as we slumber tonight.

JOY

You know how life has a way of being overwhelming at times?  I'm there.  I am overwhelmed with life.  OVERWHELMED.

What I find fascinating is what I am learning about me right now.  One thing I am sure of...

I HAVE THE GIFT OF JOY.

It's a gift, truly.  Joy....a gift from God.  Different from happiness, happiness can be circumstantial.  Joy and happy don't have to coexist.  As a matter of fact, I can feel horribly disheartened but my heart still has joy.  Joy...not a feeling but a heart gift.

A precious friend gave me a sweet present and card a few weeks ago.  The words written in the card were "The Joy of the Lord is my strength."  Ever since then, I have been hearing that phrase several times a day...in songs, in my Jesus Calling devotional, out of the Bible, from a friend...all beautiful reminders...."the Joy of the Lord IS my Strength."

How true that is.  One day, when I look back at the ugliness and heartache of this era, I may wonder how I got through it.  I will know that 'I' did not but 'WE' did.  My God and me.  The joy he gave me....not circumstantial, makes no sense in this moment yet my joy is clearly present.  I am grateful for this gift of joy.  It is irreplaceable.

un-alone

I am 41 years old.  I had this space in time set apart in my mind to be the beginning of some of the best years of my life.  Currently though, I am caught up in a whirlwind of sanctity spun into insanity.  I am in the eye of the hurricane.  Un-alone but kind of lonely. 

The last year and a half has been full of challenges, and I find myself proud to be up and functioning each day but frustrated that I'm not capable of focusing on all that I once did - not capable because my mind has been consumed by recent events and there is barely room in there for what is familiar. My heart aches for what is and for what was.   Tonight I shared a bit of this with a group of friends so close to my heart I consider them family.

I was asked, "Sarah, do you feel capable of handling all that you have ahead of you?"  My immediate answer was that I did not alone feel equipped.  I added that I knew with God I was going to make it, I had no choice.  I don't know what that looks like but it's just a step by step walk with Jesus.  Learning once more to trust in the moment for I know not what is ahead.  I only know I am held and that is more than enough to get me where I am going.  But sometimes (a lot) I am human and I forget the how very un-alone I really am.

In the last year, I have grown closer to God than ever I have been.  It's been a process in which I've become more dependent on Him in countless ways.  I spend a good amount of time yelling at God for allowing things to happen and letting choices be made, devastating things, horrific choices.  I have times of drowning in self pity, anger and self doubt.  I have sobbed until my body shook and I have fallen asleep countless nights crying soundless tears.  I am grieving for dreams lost.  I am grieving for what I in mind for my forties.

Several months ago, I began praying in the shower each morning, singing to worship music and making sure I've turned it up loud enough to drown out my crying.  (not always a success)  I often am on my knees with my hands held high in praise or offering as the water cascades over me.  It is a ritual of mine to 'give' my loved ones, my relationships and my day over to God daily.  (I aim for daily).  I ask him to help me be Jesus with skin on.  These are my acts of worship.  Sometimes they are full of joy and happy connection.  Sometimes they are sorrowful.  Sometimes in between.  Always - I know I am being held.

So, there you go.  In the times I forget I am un-alone, I sink right into the muck.  In the times I remember I am un-alone, life can still be mucky, but it's way more beautiful. I am totally capable.  In Him, with Him, through Him.....I am so much more than Sweet Sarah.  I am a force to be reckoned with. 

You'll see.

missed opportunities and gratitude

Relationships, people and missed opportunities are on my heart and mind. 

A sweet friend, fellow Momma, daughter and more passed away a couple of summers ago after a fluke accident.  A few weeks before that happened, I saw her at church across the room.  Her eyes looked so very sad and I thought to myself...call your friend and connect this week.  I never did that. 

My precious friend who passed away this week texted me the morning of his last day.  I saw his text and was busy at work.  I knew when I called him back I wanted to give the call/text my full attention.  The day got busy and I had in the back of my mind to call.  He passed away that night and I never did connect with him.

My texts, voicemails and emails are flooded with encouragement, prayers and wisdom from those who understand my heart and/or situation.  I have been in such a fog and have every intention of responding individually, yet I have not yet done so.  Today is a bit of a wake up call.  My heart hurts and my prayers are going up.  I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to have these dear friends in my life.  I am sorrowful for the opportunities I have missed.  There are many opportunities I have not missed and realizing this is a healing balm.

What do I want?  Which direction am I going and who do I want to be on my journey with?  My heart knows a little but not much.  I know I know enough to believe that my God is with me every step of the way and He will light my journey. 

This earthly life is truly but the blink of an eye.  Once you choose, you have chosen. 

Shuffling through

Sitting at my Momma's computer. Daddy is upstairs, wandering - finding out which part of this old house is warmest.  Momma is in the hospital getting her new friend, 'a-fib', straightened out.  I drink macadamia cookie coffee made with Momma's fancy Keurig that I love.  I have Daddy's cooled hot chocolate waiting for him when he decides to come sit down....after he has investigated all of the vents he can find.  Lights go on and lights go off as he searches through the rooms.   This morning is remnicent of when my children were truly littles and my quiet time was bought up with nursing, snuggles, sometimes hot tears, sweet giggles, strips of toast, sticky faces and sticky oatmeal.  I would not trade those 'quiet times' for anything.  This morning I have sold out my quiet time to hear lessons from my Daddy on  where the heating pipes are located in the house and where the warmest spots in the house are on bear feet.  I would not trade these 'quiet times' for anything either.

Times are a changing.  Always.  But now I can feel it in my bones, I can see it on the horizon.  In a way I am so excited to see how God reveals what 'restoration' means in my life.  I am also terrified.  My dreams may not be where my life goes.  There may be bigger and better things than I ever thought possible if I am able to truly surrender my forecast, lean back into God's arms and see what happens.  Being still, going only where I feel led.  I wonder how that will feel. I imagine that the pain I am going through right now, though deep and horrendous, might very well be what leads me out of the lost hope forest and into the freedom I've only had glimpses of before.  I still long for that freedom in my heart. It is that longing that seems to reverberate with what restoration looks like.

I am excited.  I am terrified.  I am going to continue to thank God in each and every circumstance and trust that he is leading me into the wide open....safely in his arms.

Someday I believe I will truly be able to stand in the gap and pray for those who have harmed my heart.  Right now I am simply going to feel what I feel, and explain to my sweet Daddy that Momma is in St. Francis, not the State Penitentary.

I AM A BRAVE, WORTHY, LOVED BY GOD, TRULY HAPPY, WHIMSICAL WOMAN WHO IS WHOLE AND SURRENDERED AND BASKING IN THE WARMTH OF GOD'S SUNSHINE....AND I AM AN ENGAGED AND TRUSTING MOMMA WITH THE HEART OF A CHILD.

Thank you dear Lord for protecting this heart of mine.  Thank you for leading me out of this lost and desolate place and back into your warmth.  Thank you for dying for me.  I am that worthy.  That knowledge is perspective changing. I am not responsible for the poor decisions made by others, and when my heart aches you are holding me and reminding me I am whole.  Thank you.  Thank you for catching the tears that come out of the blue, unstoppable.  They are a part of my healing but I am feeling dehydrated.  Thank you for my sisters, my brothers, my heart friends and family you send to give me wisdom, hug me, pray with me and hold me in the dark.
I also ask protection for the hearts of my babies and of my husband.  Let every bit of darkness come to light so that true healing may begin.  Help me not ask why? but to just follow you.

Thankful in all circumstances, even when they suck. Thankful for you God.  Thankful for my faith.  Thankful for your love.  Thankful for my babies and thankful that you give me all that I need right when I need it.  Thankful that I am right where I need to be, even if I don't know why.  Thank you for my story.

Amen.

Restoration

Yesterday, I was able to pursue some much needed closure in my life.  I was able to sit across the table from the owner of the general contracting company that we had a very poor experience with as we 'exchanged goods' (his words).

  You see, although I had not actually seen this man face to face since our issues began, I invited the thoughts and beliefs of he and his partner to infiltrate my heart, although they were not my truth.  They were not my truth, but they were hurtful and damaging.  I allowed the actions of these people to wreak havoc on my home, on my family, on friendships, on our dreams. I took on the role of powerless and I have been feeling terribly victimized.

Yesterday I took my power back.  Everything did not work out as I had hoped, but it did work out and it is finished.  I was nervous to sit face to face with this man, and actually I had no plans to speak to him.  I just wanted to look into his eyes. I wanted him to feel some of the weight of his actions.  I prayed.  I received a text from a friend, looked on facebook, received and email and looked on a prayer website.  Each place had "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10  Four times!  I listened. 

I walked in with my head held high.  I had to request that the man look at my eyes several times as I sat across from him at a small table and summed up the year we have had-in great part thanks to he and his partner.  He was in a hurry to leave. He behaved in the same cowardly manner he has throughout this situation.  I thanked him for his time.  He may never understand what he has done, and he may still consider me ignorant or below him.  I had no plans to speak but peace overtook me as I spoke calmly and firmly.  I thank God for getting to use my voice as He led me too, it does not matter if that man, who could barely meet my eyes, understands.  God does.  God knows how healing that moment was for my heart.

So now...as I said, it is finished.  Forgiveness is my choice.  I may have to choose it repeatedly, but it is my choice and I'm committed to living a forgiving life.  I still won't ever recommend these people to anyone.  I still believe their business practices will catch up with the.  I still feel we were wronged.  But, I don't have to be angry anymore.  My energy has other places to go. 

Which leads me to this....I noticed all my cool friends were coming up with a 'word' for the year.  I love words and resolutions frustrate me, so I went with the word. 

I feel God put the word on my heart in an instant.
RESTORATION.  So many great definitions.  So many great words inside my word.  Rest.  Ration.  Restore.  The Biblical meaning is to return all things to their previous, pure state.  This sure pings me.  I have so many feelings I have processed this past year.  So much ugliness and ick have been residing in my heart...with my permission.  I have forgotten to care for myself and it is evident in my appearance and my weariness. If I were to try to restore myself by myself, I'd only get so far.  I am asking God for restoration as He would have it.  I don't know what that looks like but I know He's got me and I'm excited to see where we are going.

My verse for the year...
Isaiah 43:19  "See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."

Father God,

I am weary.  I am even doubting a little that my faith is not just some magical thinking.  I see you are taking care of things in your time and I am learning to trust you with my life.  I am learning to joyfully surrender control and the ones I love to your hands.  But sometimes I get overwhelmed with the what if's and I am afraid and I grab everything I just gave you back to carry on my own shoulders.  Help me surrender wholly to you.

The house saga is over.  Finally.  It's time to let go and move forward.  Thank you for the lessons learned and thank you for helping use my significant voice. 

Our marriage- we still have a marriage.  Thank you for that.  I am married to the love of my life and I am believing that you put us together for a divine purpose and you will work this hard time out in a way that glorifies you in the end...whatever that is.  Thank you for the opportunity to fight for each other and not take love for granted.

My sweet Daddy....my precious Momma....Alzheimers still sucks and I pray one day their is a cure.  For the victim and caregivers too. 

The love in my family overwhelms me with gratitude.  Our children are intricate weavings of our souls, my love for them is to infinity and beyond.  We are blessed with friends who walk by our side during the hard and good parts of this journey called life, for them I am thankful.

I look forward to seeing the way you make through the wilderness and I'm already feeling my thirst being quenched.  I am eagerly anticipating the hopes, dreams, relationships and joy only you can restore to myself, this life and my loved ones.

God, please bless our moments in 2014 and beyond.

In your precious name I pray,

your daughter, Sarah