un-alone

I am 41 years old.  I had this space in time set apart in my mind to be the beginning of some of the best years of my life.  Currently though, I am caught up in a whirlwind of sanctity spun into insanity.  I am in the eye of the hurricane.  Un-alone but kind of lonely. 

The last year and a half has been full of challenges, and I find myself proud to be up and functioning each day but frustrated that I'm not capable of focusing on all that I once did - not capable because my mind has been consumed by recent events and there is barely room in there for what is familiar. My heart aches for what is and for what was.   Tonight I shared a bit of this with a group of friends so close to my heart I consider them family.

I was asked, "Sarah, do you feel capable of handling all that you have ahead of you?"  My immediate answer was that I did not alone feel equipped.  I added that I knew with God I was going to make it, I had no choice.  I don't know what that looks like but it's just a step by step walk with Jesus.  Learning once more to trust in the moment for I know not what is ahead.  I only know I am held and that is more than enough to get me where I am going.  But sometimes (a lot) I am human and I forget the how very un-alone I really am.

In the last year, I have grown closer to God than ever I have been.  It's been a process in which I've become more dependent on Him in countless ways.  I spend a good amount of time yelling at God for allowing things to happen and letting choices be made, devastating things, horrific choices.  I have times of drowning in self pity, anger and self doubt.  I have sobbed until my body shook and I have fallen asleep countless nights crying soundless tears.  I am grieving for dreams lost.  I am grieving for what I in mind for my forties.

Several months ago, I began praying in the shower each morning, singing to worship music and making sure I've turned it up loud enough to drown out my crying.  (not always a success)  I often am on my knees with my hands held high in praise or offering as the water cascades over me.  It is a ritual of mine to 'give' my loved ones, my relationships and my day over to God daily.  (I aim for daily).  I ask him to help me be Jesus with skin on.  These are my acts of worship.  Sometimes they are full of joy and happy connection.  Sometimes they are sorrowful.  Sometimes in between.  Always - I know I am being held.

So, there you go.  In the times I forget I am un-alone, I sink right into the muck.  In the times I remember I am un-alone, life can still be mucky, but it's way more beautiful. I am totally capable.  In Him, with Him, through Him.....I am so much more than Sweet Sarah.  I am a force to be reckoned with. 

You'll see.