This will be my last post on this blog site. I am eagerly anticipating creating a new blog in the near future though. I've grown and received much healing through my entries here. I love reading from the beginning and soaking in the goodness of change. As my life begins a new season, I hope my writings will continue to contribute to my own healing as well as the healing of other hearts. I love taking the journey together.
Tomorrow is my fifth birthday! My fifth life celebration anniversary since the big ole' stroke. I am not defined by that big ole' stroke but like all momentous life occasions, it has contributed to the shaping of me.
I have determined that I will be embracing tomorrow with a heart of joy and celebration. After all, it is a privilege to be alive and every moment deserves an honor of it's own. I had also determined that this entire weekend would be met with a spirit of joy from me, I'm sad to report that's not what went down.
I have spent today hosting a tearful pity party...the guest of honor is ME! Most of the sadness has been a result on my dwelling of what we do NOT have, what we do NOT know, why the odds are stacked against us, why my hopefulness is futile, why I should feel ashamed or scared or (insert whatever negative feeling you focus on here an inflate it X100.) It has been a rough day full of inner turmoil for me. So that I would not be alone, I pulled every other person I was around today right down with me. Awesomeness....not.
I wanted to feel and be brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical, whole and surrendered today. Instead I felt and behaved fearful, ashamed, distant from God, pitiful, doldrummy, broken and controlling, out of balance for sure.
It's hard for me to surrender when my grip on the negative is so tight. I'm singing myself the UH OH song right now.
I'm going to snuggle in with Nathan, ask God to send his angels to sing over us tonight and pray for a joyful attitude and a good dose of self grace...and a night of sweet slumber. I need the rest...tomorrow is my birthday!