Here I am....here we are....
In a flurry of circumstance; 2013 brought great pain. Uninvited infidelity (is it ever invited?), huge betrayal in a business deal by 'friends', Daddy's Alzheimer's progressing at a faster pace than anyone could keep up with, my precious Granny going to Heaven....those are the biggies. Dreams I dared to dream were shattered and hopes I lived to hope were demolished. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day that Nathan spoke words to me that broke my heart to a point I believed irrepairable. I was reminded of this while flipping through my old journal. I didn't need reminding...some words the heart buries in a deep dark place but they are always there ready to surface. Sometimes though, bringing those words out of the dark and into the light is the first step to finding your way back home.
Speaking of coming out of the dark....I have had quite a few people ask me lately if Nathan and I experienced infidelity before or after going to Pathways. It grieves my heart to speak the truth and say 'after' simply because I don't want that to be a discouragement. So here is my response....Some of what I got from Pathways.... tools for living a full, emotionally mature, engaged, joy filled, brave life. Ways to let go of my fears/anxieties/need for control (didn't say destroyed them, said ways to let go). Another gift I found there is that I began to understand who I was made to be and as a result, had a heart full of restored hope and healing. Lastly, and most importantly, Pathways helped me break down my own barriers/walls and it was a place that I drew closer to God than ever I had experienced in my life. If God has never offered me an easy, perfect life then how in the world could I expect that from a organization(wonderful as it is) made of humans? That relationship with God, the authentic relationships I have built in and out of Pathways, Sunday night class and the best counselor ever (Missy N...., pm me if you need a referral) have gotten us back into the light and out of the dark. That said, I would tell you that everyone doesn't NEED Pathways, but everyone DESERVES it....because as they say, 'in life, it's not a matter of IF the trainwrecks will come, it's WHEN.' In addition, if we are all God's creation (I believe this is a yes), who would he say doesn't deserve to live life full in and full out?
God works in funny ways. Through tragedy, He has shown me who I truly am. I am a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical woman, an engaged and trusting Momma with the heart of a child AND a whole, surrendered woman basking in the warmth of God's sunshine. I AM. Add to that...I am God's princess. I am full of mercy, grace, forgiveness, peace, and love. I am tall, and I amazing. All of last year's junky gunk has allowed me to step into who I have known I am and more. I always had the words, now I have the circumstances and tools to live it out.
I am honestly so excited to see where God leads next. I will be working as a Kindergarten assistant part time. I'll be cooking. I'll be writing, taking baths, taking walks, reading and burning yummy smelling candles. I'll be doing what matters to my heart and to the heart of my husband and my family. I'll be loving others and myself. I'll be visiting my Mom and Dad alot and making time for friends, play, and JOY! I will be back to volunteering at Pathways. I will be working on becoming fully who God made me to be and part of that goal for me is to feel like a sexy woman! (to me, an attitude that I feel inside....nothing to do with anyone else).
Alas, broken hearts and wounded spirits can heal, marriages can be restored and families do make it through the hardest of times. That season of great chaos became the season of great growth and is now flourishing into the season of great healing and restoration that I've been praying for (really, all of my life).
God bless you all. Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement, and thank you for reading.