Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Photo: Artist: Hazy Sun

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Digging deep and finding peace

Here is my heart....raw as all get out.  Tears are flowing and I will do nothing to stop fact I have been praying for time to let my sorrow out in a healthy way so I can find some healing and forgiveness.  I feel horribly sad, broken and lost.  I want my whole Daddy back.  I want my Momma to have health, joy and freedom.  I want to not be in Hell with the contractors over work that has been done in our home.  I want worry free days and a light heart.  I want to not believe that my babies are already becoming third and sixth graders.  I want the addicts in my life to find a life apart from their addictions...a life full of joy.  I want broken families mended, I want lost friendships restored, I want spiritual wounds magically gone.  I want to have our summer babysitting worked out.  And while I'm at it...I want a fenced yard and a more comfortable toilet seat.  I want sick people healed, I want to fight the good fight and run the good race but I'm so tired of the fight and I just want peace.  So here I am.....reminded that I live in a world that is not my home but nonetheless a world with people and things I've come to love.  Trying to lean into the hard and truly feel what I feel but also trying to not lose my peace and my happy.  Not wanting to fall into a dark space so I'm trying to make sure my heart is still filled with light....reality vs. wonderland.  I'm stuck in between.  I make myself vulnerable in my writing and I know this leaves me wide open for both negative criticisms and healthy's okay. 

 I thought before today that I was my own worst critic but I see now that people can say twisted and ugly things, and even though I know how untrue they are, they hurt. I found this out through words that an old 'friend' wrote of me.   My least favorite was this...(said of me after I had quoted an experienced architect - which the author apparently thought was my own  "This is just another example of how she likes to act like she actually knows what she's talking would be safe to assume her brother was probably whispering in her ear as she was writing."  OUCH!  Why ouch?  I always knew I was intelligent.  More perceptive and emotionally intelligent than anything....but that wasn't necessarily something I viewed as a strength.  After my big ole stroke, I felt extremely incompetent and broken....stupid was my favorite word for myself.  I have worked long and hard to understand that though my mind may be different, I am by no means stupid....nor was I ever.  As a matter of fact, I have only gained deeper perspective on the preciousness of life and bigger love for people and their hearts than ever before. I still suck at math.  But given the options...I am grateful for the outcome.  And, fyi, if my big brother had been whispering in my ear, I should've been listening.  He obviously cared more about the outcome than the writer on the other side.  Anyway, I've been playing this tape loud today....stupid stupid stupid.  And as I write I am beginning to have a small calm in my heart about who I really am and who I really belong I must work on remembering that though this process is crazy unpleasant, it is my God that has the outcome in his hands.  And it's not just the outcome he's the whole process, it's us.  Why do I forget this so quickly?

Once upon a time, in the midst of darkness, I was asked to write a list of 65 things I was grateful for.  I think I will do that now...I couldn't imagine doing it when I started writing tonight but if anyone can change my heart and attitude it is my God.
1.  Chirping birds
2.  My sweet garden
3.  Safety from the storms
4.  My Daddy's hands that I can hold
5.  My precious Momma supplying us with dinner tonight
6.  Time to cry, time to process, time to pray, time to forgive, time to heal and time to hear who I really am
7.  Nathan Tronnier, my calm and handsome love
8.  Stella Pearl my sunshine girl
9.  John Bradley whom I love so madly
10.  Ethan's symphony
11.  Maple, Rusty, Froggy and Shrek
12.  Amazing nieces and nephews that light up my world
13.  Sisters and brothers that have my heart
14.  Kevin's life
15.  Brent's life
16.  A jelly belly (well...I don't love the belly but I love that it grew a John and Stella in there)
17.  That God loves me even when I'm whiny, sad, distrustful and mad....and when I'm happy, sunshiny, sparkly and joyful.
18. A home filled with love
19.  A job that lets me 'be the change I want to see.'
20.  Cool, morning grass and bare feet
21.  open windows with fresh, breezy air
22.  Smelling clean laundry
23.  Caramel ribbon frappucino's
24.  A church with LIFE
25.  A beautiful Sunday night class
26.  Friends I have and friends I've lost, both touch my life
27.  Pathways core training
28.  Dallas loves
29.  The Sun, the moon, the stars, the seasons
30.  My new True Rose candle
31.  The last day of school
32.  Summer chill time
33.  trees and flowers, mud and clear waters
34.  My little girl in the forest
35.  The gift of gab
36.  Tears
37.  Laughter
38.  Memories and moments
39.  porch sitting
40.  Cooking
41.  fresh out of the dryer cotton sheets on my bed
42.  A bath that is just the right temperature and a pillow that your head is in just the right spot on after the bath
43.  The smell of pink peonies wafting through the yard
44.  Choices
45.  Encouragement and wisdom
46.  New life, old life and in between life
47.  A hurting heart so I can appreciate a renewed heart
48.  Truth
49.  The Better Business Bureau
50.  Granny sweet Granny
51.  Wise Auntie
52.  Hugs
53.  Kisses....of course
54.  Sleeping naked in the fresh washed cotton sheets
55.  Family snuggles and movie nights in bed (not on the naked nights)
56.  My cute little Kia sportage - Kiki
57.  Giving back
58.  Learning to take my 'medicine' with a happy heart
59.  Knowledge and discernment
60.  Breathing
61.  Music
62.  Growing
63.  Loving and being authentic
64.  Scrabble
65. blow or in the bath

I sit amazed at the peace I feel.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you friends.  Keep praying, please.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Heart thoughts

Tonight I came home from work EXHAUSTED.  I made a gourmet dinner of cheese melted inside a tortilla for everyone (and a glass of cranberry juice just for fanciness) and then, proud of my efforts - crawled into bed at 6 pm.  I laid with my precious son's feet at my face and my lovely daughter nestled up beside me and I zonked out.  I woke up three hours later after this lovely nap with my son's feet still in my face, my daughter had been carried off to bed and I shared turns conversing with my awesome nephew and my superb husband. 

I immersed myself in the news, following the devastation that occurred in Moore, Oklahoma today with the tornado.  I felt like I was watching a movie.....that same sense of detachment I felt while watching the media coverage of 911 or of the Oklahoma City bombings.  Is this really real?  The rawness of the tragedy is incomprehensible.

I called one of my tender hearted and beautiful nieces.  She has just begun her externship as a nurse and is in Moore.  First, I was relieved to hear her sweet voice and know she is safe.  Next, I heard the brokenness in her bravery and my heart broke a little bit more.   My niece was in a cellar with her boyfriend's grandparents.  The tornado was a mile away from them so she could hear it's monstrosity from the cellar, but thank God, they were safe.  After she was able to get out of the cellar, she went to one of the two elementary schools that were hit by the tornado.  I listened as she shared how it felt to drive through 10 miles of flattened homes, nothingness where there had been somethings hours earlier, death, injury and the lifeless bodies of first and second graders that passed through her hands.  All of a sudden, the feet in my face held more meaning to me than in a long time.  Her boyfriend is going to school to be a PA and is working in Ardmore.  When he got home, he and maybe she were going back out to volunteer their medical services.  I know nothing can prepare your heart for these tragedies so please pray for them and all others involved. 

In the last week I have seen a Momma living in fear choose something different and show great courage in seeking help to get out of a violent situation and protect her babies, she had to move forward without any knowledge of what would happen.  I have watched my own Momma care for my Daddy and love him through some really hard times.  I have seen my husband continue to fight and do hard even when it's not popular. I have seen my brother in law weep for his critically ill Father. I have felt life being lived....the heaviness and beauty of it all. 

Tonight, I think of the many hours I have spent in anxiety, begging God to let me live, let me have long life, promise me promises to things nobody knows.  And I am struck that all along, God has given me life, told me to live it, promised me eternal life and fulfilled promises I didn't even know to ask for.  I am so blessed.  My moments are precious.  Your moments are precious.  I HATE the devastation this tornado has caused.  It hurts, no doubt.  All I can do is take this moment to weep for the losses and rejoice life still....there is purpose to be filled.