Thursday, May 15, 2014

A summary of now

I was reading through my journal from the last year tonight.  As I read, memories and events came flooding back. At first, I felt like I was intruding on someone else's life.  Gradually, I gripped the fact that the words I was reading are from my very own heart and they are the words that make up a portion of my story.   It's amazing what I have buried deep and chosen not to deal with, I didn't even remember certain things until I read my own written words....I was quickly transported back to the moment.  Quickly the pain knives into my soul, quickly the hot tears fall from my tired eyes, quickly my body racks with silent sobs that turn into child like wails. 

The truth is, 2013 was a tough year.  If you have followed any of my writing or know me at all, you know the scoop well.  My Dad has been and is transitioning through the ugliness of Alzheimers disease.  My Momma has been and is grieving an inexplicable daily loss of her true love.  The "slow goodbye" sums up the nastiness of Alzheimer's quite accurately.  We lost our precious and beloved Granny.  More grieving.  Our actual physical home has been in a constant state of flux and chaos.  We were betrayed by close friends and there was betrayal in our marriage.  Nathan and I were separated, living in two different homes for a time.  I began working full time again.  Add to that the stress and pain family and friends have been through and it's easy to see - 2013 was a tough year.  It's a lovely attribute that I am also able to have gratitude and joy in these moments, and I have love lifting me up on all sides at all times...this does not change the reality of pain though.  I feel anger like I have never felt before, I feel ready to fight for my territory that has been unrightfully is not okay for anyone to keep peeing on my grass (as a dear friend so eloquently put it!)  I feel weak alone but when I see how far God has carried me, I have the strength to lean harder into Him.

There are days when things feel lighter, and I am certain we are crossing the proverbial bridge.  There are days that are heavy and I feel doubts creep in.  That is when I have to actively choose love.  I believe love, as well as forgiveness are choices.  HARD choices sometimes.  I also believe that giving up would be a HARD I choose the road less traveled and the one that I trust holds full restoration and healing.  I choose the difficult road because I believe it is the path that will bring back home where we belong.  We are so worth it, I have to remind myself of this when my exhaustion seeps in, when my feelings lie and when I am accused.  I have to remember whose child I am.  Traveling up the mountain we continue to climb.

Thursday, May 1, 2014


It's one of those morning where my heart is filled with peace in some situations and trepidation in others.  Those two...peace and trepidation collide and I'm processing through writing, hoping that brings some light and full peace to my situation.

My Daddy seems to be content in his new home.  There is great peace in that.  It puts me at ease to know that he is safe, he can walk circles all night if he wishes and we can visit at any time.  It brings me joy to feel bonds grow as my dear family pulls together to ensure we are all apart of daily visits to Daddy and loving each other and him through this.  It hurts my heart to go through the adaptation of not having him home anymore. He has been the center of many of our lives for the last couple of years, he IS my Momma's universe.
Now, instead of being scared for his safety, worried for my Momma's stress level and just exhausted from constantly being 'on', we have turned to different tasks....learning the ins and outs of the center, its's rules/staff/residents, deciding whose turn it is to make a nightly or morning check in call, still worrying about my Momma, and visiting, visiting, visiting.  A new type of exhaustion.  There is a simultaneous peace and weariness in the process of letting go.  Releasing.

I resigned from a job that I truly love.  I gave a two month notice, so my last day will be May 30.  This means as of today, I have exactly 30 days there to leave my legacy.  I want to make sure my families are in a good place and that the person stepping in for me is well equipped to provide services to each family.  It seems like so much to do in a very little amount of time.  Never enough time.  I have many co workers who I love dearly, and they will be hard to leave.  I was absolutely sure when I resigned that I was being led to leave, and I didn't know why.  I still do not. 
It is a huge exercise in trust and I begin to feel familiar self doubt creeping in.  Where will we find the money we need?  What if it doesn't work out?  What if I am incorrect in where I feel 'led'?  I have to consistently shush myself.  In the quiet, my heart wonders how many opportunities I have missed because I have refused to step outside of what is safe and familiar, even if it wasn't for my best?  This is a new adventure, new beginnings on the horizon, IF I will release what is not, never was and never will be 'mine'.

I got to meet with someone last week that has been in my life for over a year.  I never knew this person was in my life until January, 2014...and then I found that they had been playing quite an unwelcome and intrusive role behind the scenes in our marriage.  Meeting with them was another thing I felt 'led' to do.  I did ask God, "why?", many times.  In the end, I felt such an overwhelming peace and calm that I had no doubt that the meeting was supposed to occur.  It was not easy but it was a truly good thing for my heart, and I do hope for that persons heart as well.  Again, I am left working on full release. 

The theme is obvious, isn't it?   It is time to let go, to release to God and let God do what only God does.  I wonder....when I am able to do this, will the trepidation be gone and the peace be overwhelming?  I do believe that is the case.  I prayed for restoration.  I can't have the new until the old is completely torn down.  But man, the process is tough, isn't it?

Stella just turned on Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun."  We danced.  I DO wanna be the one who walks in the son/sun....I fully trust I cannot do that while I am hanging on so tightly to all else.