It's one of those morning where my heart is filled with peace in some situations and trepidation in others. Those two...peace and trepidation collide and I'm processing through writing, hoping that brings some light and full peace to my situation.
My Daddy seems to be content in his new home. There is great peace in that. It puts me at ease to know that he is safe, he can walk circles all night if he wishes and we can visit at any time. It brings me joy to feel bonds grow as my dear family pulls together to ensure we are all apart of daily visits to Daddy and loving each other and him through this. It hurts my heart to go through the adaptation of not having him home anymore. He has been the center of many of our lives for the last couple of years, he IS my Momma's universe.
Now, instead of being scared for his safety, worried for my Momma's stress level and just exhausted from constantly being 'on', we have turned to different tasks....learning the ins and outs of the center, its's rules/staff/residents, deciding whose turn it is to make a nightly or morning check in call, still worrying about my Momma, and visiting, visiting, visiting. A new type of exhaustion. There is a simultaneous peace and weariness in the process of letting go. Releasing.
I resigned from a job that I truly love. I gave a two month notice, so my last day will be May 30. This means as of today, I have exactly 30 days there to leave my legacy. I want to make sure my families are in a good place and that the person stepping in for me is well equipped to provide services to each family. It seems like so much to do in a very little amount of time. Never enough time. I have many co workers who I love dearly, and they will be hard to leave. I was absolutely sure when I resigned that I was being led to leave, and I didn't know why. I still do not.
It is a huge exercise in trust and I begin to feel familiar self doubt creeping in. Where will we find the money we need? What if it doesn't work out? What if I am incorrect in where I feel 'led'? I have to consistently shush myself. In the quiet, my heart wonders how many opportunities I have missed because I have refused to step outside of what is safe and familiar, even if it wasn't for my best? This is a new adventure, new beginnings on the horizon, IF I will release what is not, never was and never will be 'mine'.
I got to meet with someone last week that has been in my life for over a year. I never knew this person was in my life until January, 2014...and then I found that they had been playing quite an unwelcome and intrusive role behind the scenes in our marriage. Meeting with them was another thing I felt 'led' to do. I did ask God, "why?", many times. In the end, I felt such an overwhelming peace and calm that I had no doubt that the meeting was supposed to occur. It was not easy but it was a truly good thing for my heart, and I do hope for that persons heart as well. Again, I am left working on full release.
The theme is obvious, isn't it? It is time to let go, to release to God and let God do what only God does. I wonder....when I am able to do this, will the trepidation be gone and the peace be overwhelming? I do believe that is the case. I prayed for restoration. I can't have the new until the old is completely torn down. But man, the process is tough, isn't it?
Stella just turned on Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just wanna have fun." We danced. I DO wanna be the one who walks in the son/sun....I fully trust I cannot do that while I am hanging on so tightly to all else.