Thursday, May 15, 2014

A summary of now

I was reading through my journal from the last year tonight.  As I read, memories and events came flooding back. At first, I felt like I was intruding on someone else's life.  Gradually, I gripped the fact that the words I was reading are from my very own heart and they are the words that make up a portion of my story.   It's amazing what I have buried deep and chosen not to deal with, I didn't even remember certain things until I read my own written words....I was quickly transported back to the moment.  Quickly the pain knives into my soul, quickly the hot tears fall from my tired eyes, quickly my body racks with silent sobs that turn into child like wails. 

The truth is, 2013 was a tough year.  If you have followed any of my writing or know me at all, you know the scoop well.  My Dad has been and is transitioning through the ugliness of Alzheimers disease.  My Momma has been and is grieving an inexplicable daily loss of her true love.  The "slow goodbye" sums up the nastiness of Alzheimer's quite accurately.  We lost our precious and beloved Granny.  More grieving.  Our actual physical home has been in a constant state of flux and chaos.  We were betrayed by close friends and there was betrayal in our marriage.  Nathan and I were separated, living in two different homes for a time.  I began working full time again.  Add to that the stress and pain family and friends have been through and it's easy to see - 2013 was a tough year.  It's a lovely attribute that I am also able to have gratitude and joy in these moments, and I have love lifting me up on all sides at all times...this does not change the reality of pain though.  I feel anger like I have never felt before, I feel ready to fight for my territory that has been unrightfully is not okay for anyone to keep peeing on my grass (as a dear friend so eloquently put it!)  I feel weak alone but when I see how far God has carried me, I have the strength to lean harder into Him.

There are days when things feel lighter, and I am certain we are crossing the proverbial bridge.  There are days that are heavy and I feel doubts creep in.  That is when I have to actively choose love.  I believe love, as well as forgiveness are choices.  HARD choices sometimes.  I also believe that giving up would be a HARD I choose the road less traveled and the one that I trust holds full restoration and healing.  I choose the difficult road because I believe it is the path that will bring back home where we belong.  We are so worth it, I have to remind myself of this when my exhaustion seeps in, when my feelings lie and when I am accused.  I have to remember whose child I am.  Traveling up the mountain we continue to climb.

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