Friday, March 21, 2014


You know how life has a way of being overwhelming at times?  I'm there.  I am overwhelmed with life.  OVERWHELMED.

What I find fascinating is what I am learning about me right now.  One thing I am sure of...


It's a gift, truly.  Joy....a gift from God.  Different from happiness, happiness can be circumstantial.  Joy and happy don't have to coexist.  As a matter of fact, I can feel horribly disheartened but my heart still has joy.  Joy...not a feeling but a heart gift.

A precious friend gave me a sweet present and card a few weeks ago.  The words written in the card were "The Joy of the Lord is my strength."  Ever since then, I have been hearing that phrase several times a songs, in my Jesus Calling devotional, out of the Bible, from a friend...all beautiful reminders...."the Joy of the Lord IS my Strength."

How true that is.  One day, when I look back at the ugliness and heartache of this era, I may wonder how I got through it.  I will know that 'I' did not but 'WE' did.  My God and me.  The joy he gave me....not circumstantial, makes no sense in this moment yet my joy is clearly present.  I am grateful for this gift of joy.  It is irreplaceable.

Sunday, March 16, 2014


I am 41 years old.  I had this space in time set apart in my mind to be the beginning of some of the best years of my life.  Currently though, I am caught up in a whirlwind of sanctity spun into insanity.  I am in the eye of the hurricane.  Un-alone but kind of lonely. 

The last year and a half has been full of challenges, and I find myself proud to be up and functioning each day but frustrated that I'm not capable of focusing on all that I once did - not capable because my mind has been consumed by recent events and there is barely room in there for what is familiar. My heart aches for what is and for what was.   Tonight I shared a bit of this with a group of friends so close to my heart I consider them family.

I was asked, "Sarah, do you feel capable of handling all that you have ahead of you?"  My immediate answer was that I did not alone feel equipped.  I added that I knew with God I was going to make it, I had no choice.  I don't know what that looks like but it's just a step by step walk with Jesus.  Learning once more to trust in the moment for I know not what is ahead.  I only know I am held and that is more than enough to get me where I am going.  But sometimes (a lot) I am human and I forget the how very un-alone I really am.

In the last year, I have grown closer to God than ever I have been.  It's been a process in which I've become more dependent on Him in countless ways.  I spend a good amount of time yelling at God for allowing things to happen and letting choices be made, devastating things, horrific choices.  I have times of drowning in self pity, anger and self doubt.  I have sobbed until my body shook and I have fallen asleep countless nights crying soundless tears.  I am grieving for dreams lost.  I am grieving for what I in mind for my forties.

Several months ago, I began praying in the shower each morning, singing to worship music and making sure I've turned it up loud enough to drown out my crying.  (not always a success)  I often am on my knees with my hands held high in praise or offering as the water cascades over me.  It is a ritual of mine to 'give' my loved ones, my relationships and my day over to God daily.  (I aim for daily).  I ask him to help me be Jesus with skin on.  These are my acts of worship.  Sometimes they are full of joy and happy connection.  Sometimes they are sorrowful.  Sometimes in between.  Always - I know I am being held.

So, there you go.  In the times I forget I am un-alone, I sink right into the muck.  In the times I remember I am un-alone, life can still be mucky, but it's way more beautiful. I am totally capable.  In Him, with Him, through Him.....I am so much more than Sweet Sarah.  I am a force to be reckoned with. 

You'll see.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

missed opportunities and gratitude

Relationships, people and missed opportunities are on my heart and mind. 

A sweet friend, fellow Momma, daughter and more passed away a couple of summers ago after a fluke accident.  A few weeks before that happened, I saw her at church across the room.  Her eyes looked so very sad and I thought to your friend and connect this week.  I never did that. 

My precious friend who passed away this week texted me the morning of his last day.  I saw his text and was busy at work.  I knew when I called him back I wanted to give the call/text my full attention.  The day got busy and I had in the back of my mind to call.  He passed away that night and I never did connect with him.

My texts, voicemails and emails are flooded with encouragement, prayers and wisdom from those who understand my heart and/or situation.  I have been in such a fog and have every intention of responding individually, yet I have not yet done so.  Today is a bit of a wake up call.  My heart hurts and my prayers are going up.  I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to have these dear friends in my life.  I am sorrowful for the opportunities I have missed.  There are many opportunities I have not missed and realizing this is a healing balm.

What do I want?  Which direction am I going and who do I want to be on my journey with?  My heart knows a little but not much.  I know I know enough to believe that my God is with me every step of the way and He will light my journey. 

This earthly life is truly but the blink of an eye.  Once you choose, you have chosen.