Sunday, November 17, 2013

Just wanted to share

I posted this to a fb website that I am on with people from an Empowered Parenting class I took (love and logic with heart) a couple of years ago.  My parenting has changed drastically since that time...I have not yet reached perfection and I hopefully never will.  I just wanted to share this learning and growing experience...
It's been a little hectic around here. Nathan is back home and we have a long road ahead of us, but at least we have a road is what I keep telling myself. It is truly good to have him home. My Daddy is rapidly declining and it just least I still get to hold his hand I say to myself. In all of this, the kids and I have been doing really well for the most part. Until two nights ago....John (12) had a raging meltdown that I haven't seen from him in a long time. It was all over me asking to look at his daily agenda, which he forgot to bring home. A chair went flying, clean clothes thrown off the table they were folded, etc...but the words that were screamed hurt me the most. Exact quote...'I wish you were never my Mom, I wish I had a different Mom and you'd move away, I ha...te you...and the list goes on." I did not say a word. I picked up the laptop because it was the only thing I could think to take away... I prayed silently and I walked out of the room, praying he did not follow me. I spent about 20 minutes doing this while he layed on the couch in silence. He then walked to his room sobbing out loud that he was so stupid and he hated himself. Oh how my heart hurt. I know he felt bad but in the past him doing this has made me cave. After some time had gone by and I felt we had both calmed immensely, I went in John's room to talk to him. I told him that when I was a little girl my Grandma had spoken cruel words to me at times and I had felt the same sense of stupid and hating towards myself. I told him when he spoke to me like that, I was so glad I knew he didn't mean it. I knew he didn't want a different mom and no way did I believe he hated me but that it hurt my heart really bad when he spoke to me like I was meaningless. When he tried to say he couldn't help it, it was his ADHD, I told him I agreed that impulse control was a challenge but walked through ways of 'doing different' even when it was hard. I shared that when I had my stroke, although I almost lost my physical life he would never lose me in his heart because God chose me to be his Momma so he would have to come to terms with this. We giggled. This all ended in tears and hugs from both of us, and a loss of all electronics until he earned them back by being kind and respectful...because even though 'we can't help it', there is a consequence. I am thankful for love and logic. I am thankful I pushed my own pause button rather than reacting in hurt, fear and anger like I would've many times before. I'll count this as a hard but successful learning event.

Friday, November 15, 2013


Why I love to go for a daily's a great debriefing time, a time to think, to breathe and to invest in myself.

Why I hate to go for a daily walk...I don't wanna debrief  and breathe when my natural impulse is to stuff and smile.  Investing in myself is a struggle, something I forget to do unless I make a point to schedule myself in.

On a home visit today with a very sick little baby.   Baby is nearly a year old and on a trach and a ventilator that does most of her breathing for her.  Sounds and looks and is scary.  However, baby is thriving.  Momma is extraordinary.  Baby practices tummy time and it's unpleasant so she has a total cry face with tears but no sounds because of her trach and vent.  Therapist explains that when we make babies do something like this, even though it is for their healing and good - we are making them work so hard and then they cry.  (Don't worry, the tummy time only lasted a minute or two). 

A while back I met a precious toddler who hears and understands things way above his age level but he does not speak any words out loud.  You see...he has two non hearing parents and so the language spoken in his home is sign language.  Now he's in school and he's having to learn a whole new set of social skills and how to use his voice (literally).  This is hard.  Tears or frustration may come.  In the end, optimally this child will know English and American Sign Language before he hits Kindergarten.

Last night, in a fit over an answer he didn't like, my 12 year old told me that he hated me and wished he had a different Mom.  OUCH!  It was so hard not to become an emotional mess, drag my own baggage in and tell him that he almost got that wish 4 years ago while I broke down in tears.  After a calming period and a heartfelt discussion, I was grateful I had opted for grace in the moment and chosen calm....despite the hard.

It got me thinking...all of these I don't wanna's that I have been experiencing lately....In all these situations, none of us knew the full beauty on the other side.  That is what I am hanging onto these days.

God speaks gently to me and says He loves me, I am His baby girl.  He knows right now my heart is hurting and this hurts his heart...but He knew way before now what now would be and He is not just before me, He is beside and behind me.  What a comfort to my spirit that is.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Where I am.

It is cold outside and my heart is warm.  I cry tears of hurt and sadness often lately and my spirit still bursts with joy. I am lacking some really cool 'stuff' and yet my cup overflows with blessings.  I am loving people where they are while allowing myself to be where I am.  I am using discernment to disengage from those I need to and I am allowing myself to be in vulnerable whole hearted relationships with others.  I am setting healthy boundaries and I am growing leaps and bounds.  I have come so very far oh but I still have so far to go.
Life sure is a conundrum. 

Saturday, November 9, 2013

November 9, 2013

Today....November 9....4 full years away from the big ole' stroke.  I've been so very peaceful and calm today.  It's been a day of celebration, just as I had hoped for.

The nine o'clock hour nears and before I am aware it was creeping up, anxiety has arrived. Painful memories flood my spirit and fear fills my mind.  Flashback to roaring helicopter sounds hovering, eyes darting from side to side,  screaming for Nathan, bouncing off of invisible walls, uncontrollable vomiting - and then, hearing Nathan talk with physician friends on the phone asking what to do.  The kind paramedics come into our home to help ME.  My Daddy kneels near my head and keeps me from choking, my Momma and my sister are soothing, Nathan is preparing me to go to the hospital,  John is scared, Stella is asleep, the dog won't leave my side....flood flood flood and I am afraid.  So.very.afraid.

 But it's different this year.  The anxiety came, I acknowledged it, I felt the weight of that night for a few moments and allowed myself to mourn what I lost through that 'accident'.  And just as quickly as the anxiety crept in, it is replaced by the same peace and calm I had all day long.  I don't even know how I got to this place but I am so thankful I am arriving here; always arriving. I am ever grateful that although fear is sometimes a part of my journey, fear is not the determinate of my life.   In the past, I have counted down the days until today, I have counted the moments until 9:04 or 9:06 or whatever time it was that I remember seeing the clock change.  Tonight, I find great value in not remembering the exact time I am supposed to remember.  More proof to me that I am beginning to release the pain and invite the peace.

This morning, our beautiful sister friend, Holly took our family pictures as she does every November 9.  The gifts she gave us this morning are etched permanently in my heart.  Her  facebook page is by Holly Peevyhouse, called 'Capturing Beautiful'.  It is certainly worth your time to visit her page.  Holly has a gift of not only capturing beauty on film but for capturing the true spirits of those in the story she is telling.  It is the first time in months that we have laughed as a family.  The beauty of this time set the tone for my day.  Holly's talent, laughter and gentle spirit bestowed blessings on us beyond anything I could have imagined. 

The rest of this day included a great family breakfast at IHOP, visiting my Momma and Daddy, watching Stella gracefully and joyfully iceskate, napping, getting endless hugs and I love you's from John, watching Nathan tear out our kitchen cabinets, spending time with a few of my precious nieces, many prayers, coffee, writing and loving on fur babies.

What an extraordinarily beautiful day it has been.  I have said what I needed to say, I have loved big, been genuinely kind, and I have been loved well. I have big plans for this next year...starting now, in this moment.

God bless.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Today, tomorrow and....

Tomorrow is a day of celebration and great gratitude for me..... Tomorrow marks four years since I had that big 'ole stroke that tried to steal my physical life...... Four years ago tomorrow I spent much time sobbing, trying to make sense of it all and wishing I could just die so I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.....

Today, like everyday,  is a day of celebration and great gratitude for me too.  That big ole' stroke shoved it in my face that life really is short and you better soak in every single moment, for the moment is all we have.  Today I still know how to have a really good, ugly cry but the difference is today there is joy beyond and even in my tears and today I WANT TO LIVE these moments the very best I can. 

Life is hard.  Life is so, so hard.  Oh but life truly is amazing and wonderful.  There really is beauty from the ashes, always. 

Tomorrow morning my dear heart sister is taking our family pictures, as she does for me on every 'strokeaversarry' or 'birthday' or 'life celebration' that I have.  November 9.  Family Picture Day.  Love really big day.  Be kind to myself day and love like there is no tomorrow....just as we have the opportunity to do every day.  No need to wait for a November 9 of your own.  Say what you need to say.  Love.  Hug.  Celebrate.  Laugh.  Cry.  Find solutions more important than being right.  Share your heart. Be honest.  Be real.  Be raw.  Did I say love?

I almost put pictures off tomorrow, because you's a HARD time in life right now and I don't want to fake anything.  But I am not faking the love I feel for my precious husband and our lovelier than anything I've ever known children.  We have love in our family.  We have love in the middle of the hard and we are still writing our story.  We are given this moment, and as long as we have this moment, we are writing our story.  What happens when our moments here are over?  The opportunities to make the most of the moment will vanish and what will be left is a legacy....your legacy...our legacy.  But the legacy is made only of how you spend these moments now....cheers to spending them well.

Be blessed,