Sunday, November 17, 2013

Just wanted to share

I posted this to a fb website that I am on with people from an Empowered Parenting class I took (love and logic with heart) a couple of years ago.  My parenting has changed drastically since that time...I have not yet reached perfection and I hopefully never will.  I just wanted to share this learning and growing experience...
It's been a little hectic around here. Nathan is back home and we have a long road ahead of us, but at least we have a road is what I keep telling myself. It is truly good to have him home. My Daddy is rapidly declining and it just least I still get to hold his hand I say to myself. In all of this, the kids and I have been doing really well for the most part. Until two nights ago....John (12) had a raging meltdown that I haven't seen from him in a long time. It was all over me asking to look at his daily agenda, which he forgot to bring home. A chair went flying, clean clothes thrown off the table they were folded, etc...but the words that were screamed hurt me the most. Exact quote...'I wish you were never my Mom, I wish I had a different Mom and you'd move away, I ha...te you...and the list goes on." I did not say a word. I picked up the laptop because it was the only thing I could think to take away... I prayed silently and I walked out of the room, praying he did not follow me. I spent about 20 minutes doing this while he layed on the couch in silence. He then walked to his room sobbing out loud that he was so stupid and he hated himself. Oh how my heart hurt. I know he felt bad but in the past him doing this has made me cave. After some time had gone by and I felt we had both calmed immensely, I went in John's room to talk to him. I told him that when I was a little girl my Grandma had spoken cruel words to me at times and I had felt the same sense of stupid and hating towards myself. I told him when he spoke to me like that, I was so glad I knew he didn't mean it. I knew he didn't want a different mom and no way did I believe he hated me but that it hurt my heart really bad when he spoke to me like I was meaningless. When he tried to say he couldn't help it, it was his ADHD, I told him I agreed that impulse control was a challenge but walked through ways of 'doing different' even when it was hard. I shared that when I had my stroke, although I almost lost my physical life he would never lose me in his heart because God chose me to be his Momma so he would have to come to terms with this. We giggled. This all ended in tears and hugs from both of us, and a loss of all electronics until he earned them back by being kind and respectful...because even though 'we can't help it', there is a consequence. I am thankful for love and logic. I am thankful I pushed my own pause button rather than reacting in hurt, fear and anger like I would've many times before. I'll count this as a hard but successful learning event.

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