Saturday, October 26, 2013

Gratitude, Hope, Healing and Restoration

I pray often.  All day long.  In the shower, in the car, doing laundry, reading to the kids, brushing the dogs...ALL DAY LONG.   I forget to share my prayers with my children.  One of the wise beautiful hearted friends who blesses my life told me she begins each day with a discussion and prayer time with her children.  I want this. This intimidates me, but I want this.  I am going to begin this in my prayer life...our prayer life, today.

As I pray, gratitude, hope, healing and restoration continue to be on my heart.  I am grateful for our children, wellness, our warm home, an incredible, loving family, beautiful friendships, a job I really like and the amazing times I have had with my husband. My list of gratitude grows and changes every time I pray, but these remain constant. 

If I forget thanksgiving, I lose hope for what is on the other side of what 'is' right now.  I must have hope, without hope I have no reason and as you can see from my gratitude list, I always have reason to give thanks.  Always.  Even in the darkest moments.

Healing is the process of curing or becoming well or the process of bringing that curing or becoming well to another.  Interesting.   In the healing of me, there is healing of others and in the healing of others, there is healing in me.  It's a process.  Wounds may happen in an instant but the healing of the wounds can take a lifetime.  The process of healing, right now, is so painful.  I do believe there is certainly healing taking place though.  A process that is under the hands of Gods timing and not my own.

Restoration... something, especially a building, that has been brought back to an earlier and usually better condition than it was before.  A building isn't erupted overnight.  A building must have a strong foundation...sometimes the foundation is laid first and sometimes the foundation happens during the process; mostly it's a combination of both.  Then the building is made in several phases.  Such is the way of healing.

So, I pray.  I ask you to pray with me....

I pray for restoration of  hope, of relationships with God, of our family, our marriage, our home (in the physical and emotional sense) and of hearts.  I pray for healing of all individuals involved in these.  I pray to always remember I have a reason or a thousand reasons to be thankful, always.

Happy Saturday.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


Today is our 14th wedding anniversary.  I began preparing myself for this day last night as I wrote the following on facebook;

"Tomorrow is our fourteen year anniversary.  Things aren't quite how I imagined them as the big day arrives, and for that I am sad.  I have hope still that we have beauty beyond what I ever imagined waiting on the other side of this, and for that, there is joy.  It's hard to see past what is right now though, so I'm trusting God that everything I need is everything I have in each moment.  Praying that there is a true love story in the making...the kind that makes it through anything."

Tonight we went to dinner as a family....

Dinner stank.  Not the food but the overall tone at dinner.  Nothing happened how it was 'supposed' to happen.  I looked at last night's post just now and what I wrote just fully sunk in.  It IS hard to see past what is now.  I forgot to trust God that everything I needed was what I had in each moment and I got caught up in the what if's and the shoulds.  That resulted in hurt feelings all around and saddened children.  Who am I kidding?  That's the pretty way of saying lots of arguing, horrid feelings, hateful words and kids who had no escape from the crazed grown ups.  I hope they forgive us and still know they are safe and loved.  I feel like a blob of failure as a Momma tonight.

I have received many heartfelt texts and emails and I will respond to them as my energy grows.  They along with your prayers are sustaining me.  One of my wisest and bestest friends texted this to me tonight in response to my sharing about where I am emotionally; "Today stands for you and your determination.  Your unending perseverance.  You should celebrate YOU!  Good Job Sarah, Happy Anniversary!"  She's right.  So right.  I forgot to celebrate ME.  I do have much to celebrate...beginning with this moment.

God bless.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Hidden miracles

"You might be right in the middle of a miracle and not even know it."  These are words I heard during "Sisters" at Life Church tonight and I grabbed onto them. I I gripped them tight and stuck them in my heart and I am determined to not let them go.

 People that I love are in desperate places and I hurt.  I hurt - I want to throw up my hands and say, "I can't.",  I want to put my helpless cloak on.  Kind of.  Not really.  Because I know I can.  I know God will use me and this muckiest of mucks to bring light and truth.  I would like to know when, I would like to know how, I would sometimes even like to know why.  I don't know though....and if I did it might just be too much for me to comprehend.  A reminder that I, myself, am not God. 

I have cried heaving, sobbing, snotting ugly cries so often lately.  There is a difference between when I did that often growing up and now.  Then I did it because if I could out crazy the craziness I would take the focus off of the anger and screaming and it would turn to  pity.  (sometimes.)  Self preservation.  Those tears were certainly a real result of a pained heart but they could be manipulative...anything to stop the crazy.  Now my tears are authentic and heartfelt as they were then, but their purpose is cathartic, healing....a painful recovery process of my own.  I hate when my tears make another uncomfortable because I've worked long and hard at not crying for the dramatic effect or for self preservation, and only to cry when I am touched and honoring my own heart.  I am learning that any one else's discomfort does not belong to me and that often even my own discomfort is a kind of growth that I could experience no other way. I am.  Thankful for friends and family who walk ugly roads with me, sometimes carrying me through.  Thankful for having experienced so much true love and joy historically, that even the torment I see cannot take away those memories.  Thankful for hope.  Thankful that I could very possibly be in the middle of a miracle and not even know it...and for the possibility (that I must cherish) that this story could have a happier ending than ever I could've imagined.

I've attached a couple of songs that are really helping me through this time.  Listen to them if you will.

God bless, sweet dreams.


Thursday, October 3, 2013

No time to say 'hello', goodbye.

It's time.  I don't know how I will make the time but I know it's time and I know God will help me find the way.  Time for what?  I don't know.  One of my favorite Alice in Wonderland quotes is,
"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date.  No time to say "Hello."  Goodbye.  I'm late. I'm late.  I'm late.

And here I am, seeing myself as the eternal late bloomer but it's time.  My time.  I can't say hello, for I am already here.  Goodbye what was.  Hello what is.  It's time for me to join in on my life.

Now is the hold on to love: you'll know when it's worth fighting for: when its lighting your life; when you never feel alone. Savor it, treasure it, and fight as hard as you can to keep it.

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out live, and to let it come in." -Morrie Schwartz

This is what I posted on my facebook status earlier today.  In my life, these words mattered to me because I am struggling through a dark valley with the man who has my heart.  I hope and I pray that one day my love and I are writing together, sharing our journey and helping others find their way out of the dark. Of course I realize there is another possibility...many other possibilities, but I am going to hang on to the hope I have.  Even when I'm mad.  Even when I'm sad.  Even when I've become an icky blob of blubbering snot.  Hope.shall.reign.

A wise and loving friend responded to my this post by asking if this included self love. (no jokes here, this is truly serious stuff) Of course I quickly responded yes, that is something I am fighting for right now.  Another very wise and loving friend in my life assured me that something deep inside of me is healing right now, even in the pain.  The same friend believes life keeps giving us the same lesson to teach us until we are taught, in essence.  Over the day it sunk it...of course I do not love myself so very much.  I love the Momma I am.  I love the wife I am.  I love the daughter and Aunt, cousin, niece, worker, friend I am.  But do I love me?  Am I working on loving me?  This is absolutely a recurring theme in my life.  Can I find my worth once and for all and believe it, even if someone else does not?  Well...the answer right now is nope, not so much.  But do I want to?  Yes.  Do I want the feelings I feel to be the truth about me, so truthful that they guide me straight into living the light as I bask in the warmth of God's love?  Yes.  Kind of.  Kind of I want that.  An itty bitty mustard seed kind of want.  It's so hard for me to see me in the muck.  Stand tall Sarah.  Stand tall my heart keeps saying.

 I sat at outside of Starbuck's the other day and I wrote endlessly about all the don't wants or didn't wants in my life; I just had to get it all out.  I feel like I am choking on emotional pain sometimes and that release of the ugly in a safe place helps me remain under the shadow of His wing, seeking refuge rather than feeling that I am standing alone and helpless.  After I wrote all of my don't wants and didn't wants, I sat quietly, I closed my eyes and I prayed.  I prayed as tears fell.  I prayed as I put aside the probability that some curious person was watching me like I was an oddity and  I felt the fall breeze blowing gently on me.

 I began to relax and consider the possibilities hope gave me.  I imagined ten years down the road...Stella was graduating and she was radiant; confident, joyful and sunshiney as ever.  Her hair was beautiful and long but I could not decide if it was straight or wavy.  Handsome John was walking hand in hand with another.  I couldn't see the other person, just the hand and I knew (the way I assume I will know in my Momma's heart) that my son was happy and fully in love and loved.  He was making the people around him smile and he had a calm peace about him.  Next, I see Nathan and I and we are standing in a grassy park area, watching...absorbing and in my vision I can feel the contentedness and peace.  Hope.shall.reign.