People that I love are in desperate places and I hurt. I hurt - I want to throw up my hands and say, "I can't.", I want to put my helpless cloak on. Kind of. Not really. Because I know I can. I know God will use me and this muckiest of mucks to bring light and truth. I would like to know when, I would like to know how, I would sometimes even like to know why. I don't know though....and if I did it might just be too much for me to comprehend. A reminder that I, myself, am not God.
I have cried heaving, sobbing, snotting ugly cries so often lately. There is a difference between when I did that often growing up and now. Then I did it because if I could out crazy the craziness I would take the focus off of the anger and screaming and it would turn to pity. (sometimes.) Self preservation. Those tears were certainly a real result of a pained heart but they could be manipulative...anything to stop the crazy. Now my tears are authentic and heartfelt as they were then, but their purpose is cathartic, healing....a painful recovery process of my own. I hate when my tears make another uncomfortable because I've worked long and hard at not crying for the dramatic effect or for self preservation, and only to cry when I am touched and honoring my own heart. I am learning that any one else's discomfort does not belong to me and that often even my own discomfort is a kind of growth that I could experience no other way.
So...here I am. Thankful for friends and family who walk ugly roads with me, sometimes carrying me through. Thankful for having experienced so much true love and joy historically, that even the torment I see cannot take away those memories. Thankful for hope. Thankful that I could very possibly be in the middle of a miracle and not even know it...and for the possibility (that I must cherish) that this story could have a happier ending than ever I could've imagined.
I've attached a couple of songs that are really helping me through this time. Listen to them if you will.
God bless, sweet dreams.