It's time. I don't know how I will make the time but I know it's time and I know God will help me find the way. Time for what? I don't know. One of my favorite Alice in Wonderland quotes is,
"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date. No time to say "Hello." Goodbye. I'm late. I'm late. I'm late.
And here I am, seeing myself as the eternal late bloomer but it's time. My time. I can't say hello, for I am already here. Goodbye what was. Hello what is. It's time for me to join in on my life.
Now is the time...to hold on to love: you'll know when it's worth fighting for: when its lighting your life; when you never feel alone. Savor it, treasure it, and fight as hard as you can to keep it.
"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out live, and to let it come in." -Morrie Schwartz
This is what I posted on my facebook status earlier today. In my life, these words mattered to me because I am struggling through a dark valley with the man who has my heart. I hope and I pray that one day my love and I are writing together, sharing our journey and helping others find their way out of the dark. Of course I realize there is another possibility...many other possibilities, but I am going to hang on to the hope I have. Even when I'm mad. Even when I'm sad. Even when I've become an icky blob of blubbering snot. Hope.shall.reign.
A wise and loving friend responded to my this post by asking if this included self love. (no jokes here, this is truly serious stuff) Of course I quickly responded yes, that is something I am fighting for right now. Another very wise and loving friend in my life assured me that something deep inside of me is healing right now, even in the pain. The same friend believes life keeps giving us the same lesson to teach us until we are taught, in essence. Over the day it sunk it...of course I do not love myself so very much. I love the Momma I am. I love the wife I am. I love the daughter and Aunt, cousin, niece, worker, friend I am. But do I love me? Am I working on loving me? This is absolutely a recurring theme in my life. Can I find my worth once and for all and believe it, even if someone else does not? Well...the answer right now is nope, not so much. But do I want to? Yes. Do I want the feelings I feel to be the truth about me, so truthful that they guide me straight into living the light as I bask in the warmth of God's love? Yes. Kind of. Kind of I want that. An itty bitty mustard seed kind of want. It's so hard for me to see me in the muck. Stand tall Sarah. Stand tall my heart keeps saying.
I sat at outside of Starbuck's the other day and I wrote endlessly about all the don't wants or didn't wants in my life; I just had to get it all out. I feel like I am choking on emotional pain sometimes and that release of the ugly in a safe place helps me remain under the shadow of His wing, seeking refuge rather than feeling that I am standing alone and helpless. After I wrote all of my don't wants and didn't wants, I sat quietly, I closed my eyes and I prayed. I prayed as tears fell. I prayed as I put aside the probability that some curious person was watching me like I was an oddity and I felt the fall breeze blowing gently on me.
I began to relax and consider the possibilities hope gave me. I imagined ten years down the road...Stella was graduating and she was radiant; confident, joyful and sunshiney as ever. Her hair was beautiful and long but I could not decide if it was straight or wavy. Handsome John was walking hand in hand with another. I couldn't see the other person, just the hand and I knew (the way I assume I will know in my Momma's heart) that my son was happy and fully in love and loved. He was making the people around him smile and he had a calm peace about him. Next, I see Nathan and I and we are standing in a grassy park area, watching...absorbing and in my vision I can feel the contentedness and peace. Hope.shall.reign.