Friday, October 17, 2014

I took a deep breath and I am letting go....

Tonight I write with a heart that is caught between the acceptance of liberation from trash in my past and a stubborn refusal to fully relinquish control.

In my post just prior to this one, I mentioned that I had stood silent for the past 10 months as another woman, uninvited, had infiltrated her way into my safe and sacred places.  I went on to convey a portion of the hell I have been put through at her hand, still, without violating her privacy and her healing process.  The disregard for my heart, for my spouses heart and for my family continued soon after as I recieved a nasty email or two from this woman less than 24 hours after I made my blog post.  

This leads to my current struggle.  I can choose to absolutely accept the opportunity to liberate myself from her injustice, if I hold to my forgiveness.  This means cutting all ties that bind.  This means I will not be tempted to look at the nasty one sided truth in her blog.  This means when thoughts of her come to my mind, I will pray them away, journal, walk, or talk to a trusted friend.  This means that I will see her for what she has been in my life, I will turn my back on what that has been was and I will move intentionally forward to the purpose God has made for me. This means if she continues to make her way methodically into our lives, I will seek the legal action I perhaps would've been wise to do in the past. IF I choose freedom, I will also be choosing to relinquish any false sense of control over her actions.  Those will be between she and her God.  Surrender.  Restoration.  Worth way more than my unwillingness to let go.

The past two years have been tough yet full of value.  I have learned that life is tough and I am tougher.  I have learned that I really CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I have been reminded that I AM a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical woman who is whole and surrendered, bathing in  the warmth of God's sunshine.  I AM because He is in me and He that is in me is greater than he (she) that is in the world.  I have learned that there truly is a thief who comes only to kill, steal and destroy and that this thief often comes dressed in sheeps clothing.  I have learned (real life training) that I must manage life or it will manage me.

My strongest desire is to live the love that God is.  I want to have a marriage that is more beautiful than even 'the best two years' Nathan and I have ever had.  I love my husband and my refusal to cut myself loose from the past is holding us back.  I'm all in.  I want to be all in.  My actions must match my wants. Nathan is all in.  Nathan wants to be all in.  We are worth every ounce of hard as our amazing children.  It's simple yet so complex, letting go of another's hurtful behavior is an immediate must for me.  Some people just don't get it, and if they get it they do not care.  Line in the sand drawn.  The devil deserves none of my time and energy, no matter the form he shows up in.

I am holding tight to these REAL TRUTHS....

"You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk."

"Sometimes you have to let go and be FREE."

"Letting go means trading something that's not working for freedom, and for the possibility of receiving something in the future that really, truly, does.  Let go of emotions, relationships, and situations that you know are not allowing you to be happy."  -Doe Zantamata

"Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but NOT a part of your destiny."  -Steve Maraboli

"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten."  Joel 2:25

"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say this to the mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move.  Nothing will be impossible for you."  Matthew 17:20

"The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One, says this: 'I live in the hight and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.  I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts."  Isaiah 57:15

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Let go or be dragged

Good morning all!

These are the last moments I have with my Momma's computer before I must return it to her.  I have spent the greater part of the morning on it paying bills...or making arrangements to prevent anything from being cut off!  She has graciously given me the gift of borrowing her computer for over a week now and it has been my intention since day one to blog.  We see what happened with that.  :(

 I won't count it as a complete loss because daily my children have used this brilliant masterpiece of technology to complete homework and engage in a little gaming.  In this day and age, it is NOT FUN to be without a home computer.  Blech.  Guess what though?  We will survive until the day we have one again.  Maybe I should start a gofundme account for this purpose, ha!

There have been an incredible lot of things going on these past days and I currently don't know where I am headed with my writing this morning, I only know I MUST write now.  We shall see where my heart leads....

I have spent a bit too much time dwelling on unpleasantries, that seems to be my struggle as of late. I want to let go.  I want to surrender it to God.  Yet, I find myself really kind of angry, really pissed, at certain circumstances.  Resentful.  Resent brings ick, nothing but pure unproductive ick.  So, I ask myself the hard questions.  What is it costing me to hang on to the anger?  What am I missing out on by holding on to ick?  Even harder, what am I winning for myself or what is the pay off for not letting go? is costing me the fullness of joy in the moment to hang on to the anger.  I am missing out on what is now by continuing to carry bits and pieces of the past into today.  What am I winning?  What is the reward?  There is a very immature part of me that refuses to fully trust.  I refuse to fully forgive myself or another.  That way....just in case things don't turn out right....well, I have an out.  I 'knew' it would end up like that anyway.  I surround myself with  invisible walls that serve as false senses of security.

I really dislike each and every one of these answers.  I know they are a gift though for without the heart's insight, how does one grow?  We don't.  We stay stagnant and stagnant is not where I want to be.

It is a challenge to continuously rise above the actions of another.  After many prayers, hard conversations with wise friends and intimate honesty with myself, I have come to this conclusion.... Rising above is definately not always the easier path and it not even always the 'right' path.  Maybe the lesson for me is that rising above doesn't always have to be in regard to actions of another.

Perhaps rising above means to rise above my own actions.  What if it means to go beyond what I would usually respond with , stretch out of my comfort zone of being the sweet, nice girl and stand up for myself and for who I am?  Could rising above mean elevating myself to a new level of confidence that has nothing to do with another, and everything to do with me?  I believe so, and this is why I am going to share my next thoughts...

I have stood silent for the past 10 months as another woman, uninvited, has infiltrated her way into my sacred and safe places.  She had found her way into my marriage.  She went to great lengths to befriend me on facebook, TWICE, under the names of false characters she had created.  She investigated me enough to understand what pinged my heart and to use that knowledge to gain my friendship online.  She went through a training that my husband and I have been very engaged in and she has made heart connections with those who know my heart and my husband's heart.  She has publically stated my name and my husbands name as she freely blogged about us and her experience.  She has tagged my nieces in pictures that showed her involvement in my marriage on social media.  She continues to blog of some of this, even using direct quotes from a conversation we had.

OH MY GOSH!  This hurts.  All of this hurts.  I have chosen the 'higher path.'.  I have accepted that she is a child of God, just like me, and that HE wants to be reconciled to ALL of his children. I have given grace, I choose to forgive daily, I do not state her name or comment on her blog or notify her innocent children of the past.  I am not perfect, I am no martyr.  I mess up ALOT.   I am a work in progress.  I am a work in progress who wants desperately to be left alone to heal our marriage and our family without continued threat and involvement from this woman....she knows who she is. God knows who she is.  It is hard to let go when I am consistently being held on to.

"Let go or be dragged" to let go when she won't?  Enough is enough.