Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Let go or be dragged

Good morning all!

These are the last moments I have with my Momma's computer before I must return it to her.  I have spent the greater part of the morning on it paying bills...or making arrangements to prevent anything from being cut off!  She has graciously given me the gift of borrowing her computer for over a week now and it has been my intention since day one to blog.  We see what happened with that.  :(

 I won't count it as a complete loss because daily my children have used this brilliant masterpiece of technology to complete homework and engage in a little gaming.  In this day and age, it is NOT FUN to be without a home computer.  Blech.  Guess what though?  We will survive until the day we have one again.  Maybe I should start a gofundme account for this purpose, ha!

There have been an incredible lot of things going on these past days and I currently don't know where I am headed with my writing this morning, I only know I MUST write now.  We shall see where my heart leads....

I have spent a bit too much time dwelling on unpleasantries, that seems to be my struggle as of late. I want to let go.  I want to surrender it to God.  Yet, I find myself really kind of angry, really pissed, at certain circumstances.  Resentful.  Resent brings ick, nothing but pure unproductive ick.  So, I ask myself the hard questions.  What is it costing me to hang on to the anger?  What am I missing out on by holding on to ick?  Even harder, what am I winning for myself or what is the pay off for not letting go?

Answers...it is costing me the fullness of joy in the moment to hang on to the anger.  I am missing out on what is now by continuing to carry bits and pieces of the past into today.  What am I winning?  What is the reward?  There is a very immature part of me that refuses to fully trust.  I refuse to fully forgive myself or another.  That way....just in case things don't turn out right....well, I have an out.  I 'knew' it would end up like that anyway.  I surround myself with  invisible walls that serve as false senses of security.

I really dislike each and every one of these answers.  I know they are a gift though for without the heart's insight, how does one grow?  We don't.  We stay stagnant and stagnant is not where I want to be.

It is a challenge to continuously rise above the actions of another.  After many prayers, hard conversations with wise friends and intimate honesty with myself, I have come to this conclusion.... Rising above is definately not always the easier path and it not even always the 'right' path.  Maybe the lesson for me is that rising above doesn't always have to be in regard to actions of another.

Perhaps rising above means to rise above my own actions.  What if it means to go beyond what I would usually respond with , stretch out of my comfort zone of being the sweet, nice girl and stand up for myself and for who I am?  Could rising above mean elevating myself to a new level of confidence that has nothing to do with another, and everything to do with me?  I believe so, and this is why I am going to share my next thoughts...

I have stood silent for the past 10 months as another woman, uninvited, has infiltrated her way into my sacred and safe places.  She had found her way into my marriage.  She went to great lengths to befriend me on facebook, TWICE, under the names of false characters she had created.  She investigated me enough to understand what pinged my heart and to use that knowledge to gain my friendship online.  She went through a training that my husband and I have been very engaged in and she has made heart connections with those who know my heart and my husband's heart.  She has publically stated my name and my husbands name as she freely blogged about us and her experience.  She has tagged my nieces in pictures that showed her involvement in my marriage on social media.  She continues to blog of some of this, even using direct quotes from a conversation we had.

OH MY GOSH!  This hurts.  All of this hurts.  I have chosen the 'higher path.'.  I have accepted that she is a child of God, just like me, and that HE wants to be reconciled to ALL of his children. I have given grace, I choose to forgive daily, I do not state her name or comment on her blog or notify her innocent children of the past.  I am not perfect, I am no martyr.  I mess up ALOT.   I am a work in progress.  I am a work in progress who wants desperately to be left alone to heal our marriage and our family without continued threat and involvement from this woman....she knows who she is. God knows who she is.  It is hard to let go when I am consistently being held on to.

"Let go or be dragged"....how to let go when she won't?  Enough is enough.

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