Tonight I write with a heart that is caught between the acceptance of liberation from trash in my past and a stubborn refusal to fully relinquish control.
In my post just prior to this one, I mentioned that I had stood silent for the past 10 months as another woman, uninvited, had infiltrated her way into my safe and sacred places. I went on to convey a portion of the hell I have been put through at her hand, still, without violating her privacy and her healing process. The disregard for my heart, for my spouses heart and for my family continued soon after as I recieved a nasty email or two from this woman less than 24 hours after I made my blog post.
This leads to my current struggle. I can choose to absolutely accept the opportunity to liberate myself from her injustice, if I hold to my forgiveness. This means cutting all ties that bind. This means I will not be tempted to look at the nasty one sided truth in her blog. This means when thoughts of her come to my mind, I will pray them away, journal, walk, or talk to a trusted friend. This means that I will see her for what she has been in my life, I will turn my back on what that has been was and I will move intentionally forward to the purpose God has made for me. This means if she continues to make her way methodically into our lives, I will seek the legal action I perhaps would've been wise to do in the past. IF I choose freedom, I will also be choosing to relinquish any false sense of control over her actions. Those will be between she and her God. Surrender. Restoration. Worth way more than my unwillingness to let go.
The past two years have been tough yet full of value. I have learned that life is tough and I am tougher. I have learned that I really CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I have been reminded that I AM a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical woman who is whole and surrendered, bathing in the warmth of God's sunshine. I AM because He is in me and He that is in me is greater than he (she) that is in the world. I have learned that there truly is a thief who comes only to kill, steal and destroy and that this thief often comes dressed in sheeps clothing. I have learned (real life training) that I must manage life or it will manage me.
My strongest desire is to live the love that God is. I want to have a marriage that is more beautiful than even 'the best two years' Nathan and I have ever had. I love my husband and my refusal to cut myself loose from the past is holding us back. I'm all in. I want to be all in. My actions must match my wants. Nathan is all in. Nathan wants to be all in. We are worth every ounce of hard as our amazing children. It's simple yet so complex, letting go of another's hurtful behavior is an immediate must for me. Some people just don't get it, and if they get it they do not care. Line in the sand drawn. The devil deserves none of my time and energy, no matter the form he shows up in.
I am holding tight to these REAL TRUTHS....
"You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk."
"Sometimes you have to let go and be FREE."
"Letting go means trading something that's not working for freedom, and for the possibility of receiving something in the future that really, truly, does. Let go of emotions, relationships, and situations that you know are not allowing you to be happy." -Doe Zantamata
"Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but NOT a part of your destiny." -Steve Maraboli
"I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten." Joel 2:25
"Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say this to the mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20
"The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One, says this: 'I live in the hight and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble. I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts." Isaiah 57:15