Wednesday, November 28, 2012

This season

Update...I don't know what's happened the last few days but my Daddy's dementia seems suddenly worse.  It's like he's had an awakening in a different world and it hit him that something is very wrong.  I admire my Momma so but I know both of their hearts are breaking and I can do nothing to stop or change this process.

Our home is in such flux and crazy messy - still not knowing what's happening with our contractors and our home is so stressful.

 Nathan has the crud right now....blech.

Lastly, (and hopefully?), it seems I may be working full time very soon.  Changes galore!

I am diligently making efforts to find a balance between staying connected and as not to sit on the sidelines as a spectator.  I feel like I'm riding a teeter totter with no one on the other side and although I know all we have is this moment, I am so afraid.  I don't feel lonely but I do feel alone. 

I guess the result of is that I snuggle into God's lap a little deeper without retreating from life.  I snuggle our beautiful babies, run my hands deep into our fur babies fur, don't miss an opportunity to say I love you, breathe in the crispy air and move forward while staying here.  I know how very blessed I am, but boy does my heart ache.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Redialing my compass

Oh dear (sarcasm)....when it takes me twenty minutes to remember what my password and email are for my blog site, I believe it's been too long since I've been here.  

I am still spinning a little as when I last wrote but hopefully all the laundry will come out clean and I will give myself permission for a fresh start (again).  It is almost the New Year, right?  I'm so thankful that I believe every day....actually every second of breath is a chance for do over's, new beginnings.  As I soak in what I just wrote I remember how very gracious God is and I know (again), everything is gonna be alright.

I could beat myself up (again)...I am a pro at that.  Beating others up is not my specialty but point the finger at myself and I'm off and running.  It's easier in a way.  If all faults lie within myself and I can 'fix' it all within me then no one else has to hurt and I certainly don't have to be a part of their epic fail.  I can own it all.  HA!  

I worked so hard for a year and I walked at least 5 days a week (I produced real sweat on these walks).  I lost weight and felt good!  I journaled and or/blogged a couple of times a week, prayed often and worked hard to stay engaged in life and with my family.  Somewhere along the way...since summer and our 'house project' began - I got a little lost in the woods.  

Walk?  That would mean taking time away from this wreck of a house or the business of that moment that I am busying myself with.  Eat well?  Oh much easier to grab a handful of Doritos (they are baked if it counts) or a couple of Oreos or on a good day maybe a banana.  Is a five pound addition all that bad?  That planning takes me away from the shows I care about my own self.  Write?  Nah....someone my criticize or judge my vulnerability and that hurts...preferable to hide out and self destruct.  Am I being dramatic?  Not so much.  These are little things that let me love me, let me live this life fully and show my children and husband that their wife and Momma is worth it! I am....trying to reset my compass and grasp a direction.  I can do it.  I've done it before and I will do it again. 

Blessings to count.....

My big brother Wes is 1/2 through Pathways core training and we are rebuilding our relationship.  When our brother Brent died, I was 15 and on that day I 'lost' both of my big brothers.  To have this honorable, good man back in my life is a dream come true and I am thankful for the big brother God gave me. 

Thanks to the hard work my brother and husband have done - John and Stella are now each in their own room.  They have been for an entire week and they have spent every night in their own beds.  HALLELULJAH!  I love these precious men and I love that my babies are so happy and thankful for their own space.

Although it is not perfect, we have a laundry room, bedroom and bathroom just for the grown ups.  (well...we are sharing the bathroom until the kids get their bathroom repaired).  And we have a lock on our door!

I have my Momma, my Daddy, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins, Aunts and Uncles who each bless our life richly.  Add our friends to that list and how could I not be overwhelmed with gratitude?

Happy Saturday friends.  Find the blessings....they are there.