I keep waiting for clarity and for the perfect moment to sit down and write. I'm laughing, because even that simple statement feels so overwhelming to me! Clarity? Perfect? C'mon, if I didn't know it before, this year has certainly cemented the fact there is not even perfection in clarity nor is there always clarity in perfection. Depends on the perspective....
So...I have just completed our first week of summer vacation. May 30, 2014 was my last day as a Resource Coordinator at Sooner Start. It was also the last day that we had a 3rd and 6th grader in the house. I have spent this week relishing the time with our soon to be 4th and 7th graders; actually listening to the important voices of those that I love; walking, cooking, reading...writing...playing, praying; retraining myself to breathe and in the art of caring for ME while enjoying each moment AS IT COMES and catching up where and with whom I can.
The last year has been crazy busy. Full of change, (not all solicited), heartache, betrayal, angst and sadness. In the midst of all of this, I kind of just got pulled under and I was doing all I could to catch a breath. I didn't fully realize what was happening to me...just that my world as I knew it was upside down and inside out. I have gained weight, I have disconnected with what and whom I love most, I have become more anxious and I have certainly stopped managing my own life.
I didn't understand why God was calling me away from the job and families that I loved, but I had no doubt he was doing so. I learned that just because I follow where God is leading, does not mean it's an easy task. I'm beginning to 'get it' though, I feel like God is gifting me with a season of rest and rejuvenation....all part of the restoration I began praying for last year. I am actually getting quite excited, not just about what is next but about what is now! I'm not certain about so many things, but I am certain that God has this under control and He definitely has better than 'our' best in mind. It's gonna be okay.
There are two quotes that keep landing on my heart, I want to share them:
"YOU WILL COME TO KNOW THAT WHAT APPEARS TODAY TO BE A SACRIFICE WILL PROVE INSTEAD TO BE THE GREATEST INVESTMENT THAT YOU WILL EVER MAKE."
Someone asked the Dalai Lama what surprises him most? This was his response....
"MAN, BECAUSE HE SACRIFICES HIS HEALTH IN ORDER TO MAKE MONEY. THEN HE SACRIFICES MONEY TO RECUPERATE HIS HEALTH. AND THEN HE IS SO ANXIOUS ABOUT THE FUTURE THAT HE DOES NOT ENJOY THE PRESENT OR THE FUTURE; HE LIVES AS IF HE IS NEVER GOING TO DIE, AND THEN HE DIES HAVING NEVER REALLY LIVED.
I never imagined that what the last year has been would be my story, and I am just beginning to comprehend that it is NOT my story, it is only a chapter in my book. A painful chapter, yet one with many gifts. Again....depends on the perspective.