This morning I awoke with childlike anticipation of today being a snow day. Nope. Maybe tomorrow. However, it is collaboration day which means the kids can snuggle in a little longer and I can have a few moments of quiet time.
It is on my heart to spend some alone time with God. (Pause to silently berate self for not sticking to this aspiration on a daily basis....one day I will I promise myself...which leads me down the trail of "all you have is this moment, what do you mean one day?" Practice what you preach sister!) Okay, okay, back on task.....I tell myself I have until 7 a.m. to spend on laundry, dishes, whatever and then until 7:30 to spend some quiet time with just God and I....and after that I'll wake the kids.
In the midst of this rabbit trail the word forgiveness weighs heavily on me. I am so angry and betrayed feeling right now. Yadyadayada...get over it I tell myself. "People have it way worse" says my voice of reason. And then that other voice..."you have a right to be angry and betrayed. Feel it and work on forgiveness." Wait...which is the voice of reason?
This all occurs in a period of a few moments. As I type this I can see why being still, really and truly still is a challenge for me. BUT...I want to feel God's presence. I want to crawl up in his lap and rest awhile. Rest.must.be.a.dream.....I must center myself. I must be still.
I sit down to read at our beautifully refurbished red desk/table. I love red. I look at the Christmas tree lit up (no décor other than lights yet and I'm thinking of keeping it that way. Simplicity is appealing.) I breathe in, breathe out, breathe in and begin....
I open Nathan's Bible (I can't even find mine in this dark house and I don't want to risk the noise of searching). It is a time that I open the Bible and find exactly what my heart needs and I am inspired to dwell on it, write and pray.
A little voice which is not my own this time is speaking. "Momma, why did you put up the tree without me?" Sweet Stella is awake. I absorb a little of her joy as she finds Dophy, our sneaky elf, hiding in the tree. This leads me down another rabbit trail of dear friends who do not do the elf or even Santa. Children are children for such a little time and I love the magical fun. I respect their choices but inwardly curse those who have told my children their own truth. This makes me think of a conversation with my dear friend Stephanie last night over Santa. Another child told her child Santa wasn't real and Steph was in a quandary and oh I sure do love that family. STOP SARAH! You really are scattered dear one, even in your alone time. Back to being still...
I am feeling guilty right now. Feeling guilty that I did not stand up for a friend when a coworker was blatantly rude to her in my presence yesterday. Feeling guilty over the rage I have inside me at certain people. Feeling guilty for suggesting a friend who is hurting focus on Thankfulness when I'm struggling with it myself. Feeling guilty for unforgiveness, especially when I know who it is hurting the most. Guilty that my Auntie is in the hospital and I didn't go see her yesterday.
Forgive me for my here and there writing today. This is truly where I am, all over the board and trying to be still and KNOW THAT HE IS GOD. What I opened to in Nathan's Bible (The Message), what I found bathed me in comfort...here it is....
A David Psalm....David 138
Thank you! Everything in me says, "Thank you!" Angels listen as I sing my thanks. I kneel in worship facing your holy temple and say it again, "Thank you!" Thank you for your love, thank you for your faithfulness; Most holy is your name, most holy is your Word. the moment I called out, you stepped in; you made my life large with strength.
When they hear what you have to say, God, all earth's kings will say "Thank you." They'll sing of what you've done: "How Great is the Glory of God!" And here's why: God, high above, sees far below; no matter the distance, he knows everything about us.
When I walk into the thick of trouble, keep me alive in the angry turmoil. With one hand, strike my foes, With your other hand, save me. Finish what you started in me, God. Your love is eternal - don't quit on me now.
My heart is so heavy. You know this already. I am deeply grateful for the blessings you have bestowed on me in all circumstances. My precious family, the roof over our heads, warmth, health, friends, YOU, hope, beauty from ashes...I could go on for miles.
I am calling out to you God. I am crying out your name for my own sake and I am calling you on Nathan's behalf. Please come close. Please hold us. I know you are before us, I know your are behind us and I know you are beside us and carrying us. I cannot fathom how you do this, I just know I am thankful that you do.
God, please use our circumstances for your glory. I trust you will, even if I don't 'see' it. We are walking in the thick of trouble and I know you will get us through. I know you will save us. I know you will strike our foes....unforgiveness, doubt, worry, frozenness (again, I could go on for miles).
I cannot wait to see what you are doing with us God. Literally, I cannot wait. Please open our hearts and eyes to feel you and to know, beyond all doubts, it's gonna be okay.
In your very precious name I pray,