The last few months have been a time of fluctuating emotions and conflicting internal dialogue and I'm feeling pretty weary at this point. I am on spin cycle and ready to slow down.
I feel totally, overwhelmingly blessed yet guilty about the sadness and frustration I feel at the same time. I remember feeling this way when I brought John home from the hospital. I was so hormonal and I cried ALOT. I would hold my beautiful boy, sobbing for many reasons while I felt out of this world grateful for this child. I would pray and pray that God didn't let him feel my fear and despair and that he would only feel the love I had for him. It was such a confusing time in my spirit, and I feel much the same right now.
Our whole home renovation project has been exceedingly more stressful than I had anticipated. While I am overjoyed at having the new space, living in a constant state of flux, dust and limited privacy is wearing me down. It's hard on a marriage, it's hard on the kids, it's hard on the fur babies, it's just HARD! Waaahhhh wah. I know it's just a dot in life, right now it feels like a HUGE dot.
We are going to begin visiting other churches this weekend. We have gone to the same church since I was first pregnant. Actually, I have gone there off and on my whole life. The people there are our family. I don't know if we are visiting to find a new church home or to see if we really are where God wants us. Either way it is so scary. I say I trust God but I haven't trusted him enough to step out of my comfort zone where church is concerned. If I have learned one thing, it's that I cannot confine God to a box; and it is my belief that all of his children make up his church....but it's HARD to think of not being with what is and who is comfortable. There is that resounding fear of loss...loss of friends, loss of security, loss of belonging; and then there are the God whispers assuring me 'it's gonna be alright'.
The countdown to Disney World is on. I am so excited, so elated, so terrified and so apprehensive! It will be a joyful, beautiful, memory making time. Then my ridiculous what if's creep in and try to steal my happy thoughts. If I could silence my mind long enough to listen to the voice that matters, I wonder how different my life would be?
Goodness. Am I on spin cycle or what? So here I am...messy and honest....sad, happy, teary, laughy, goofbally and serious, loving, loathing and trusting, non trusting all in a bundle of me. Getting caught up in missing out on the living of today because I am living in the fear of the tomorrows. Missing the beauty because I am caught up in matters not of the heart.
I wrote this on my fb page today..."I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14
I think this is beautiful. I spent the day with first graders, I can't think of a more effective way to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living than in the purity of children. So, now I wait...wait for the Lord and take heart...working on the strong part.