Oh goodness, the last few times I have written my heart has been so heavy. The difference is that I have not sunk into the despair as I have in the past but I have truly allowed myself to feel what I feel. I have only momentarily gotten lost in the sadness but I continue to climb out and look around at the blessings around me. My babies, my husband, our fur babies, the warm house we live in, the love from family and friends that keeps me going, the possibilities...the hope....it's there even when I have to reach deep to find it. However, this is real life and real life is HARD HARD HARD sometimes. This is one of those times for us. Same stuff as in my recent writings and add to the 'list' that my Nathan's work is beginning layoffs. Ugh! and trust so often go hand in hand for me.
This week, I worked as a para sub for a very special little boy. This child has no verbal communication...no words; but the lessons he teaches me are endless. His laugh can melt any ice in a room, his eyes twinkle enough to light up a sky and when there are no words the only choice is to look right into each others hearts to feel what is being said. I have been blessed. I have also been reminded of something in myself that makes me cry a river of tears.
When I attended Pathways core training, I was given the name 'two face'. At the time I received that name, I thought to myself that it could've been much meaner and it was actually pretty sweet. The value I found in it then and now was to say (as if in a recited script) -"this doesn't mean two faced like in the mean, gossipy way. To me it means that the world got a lovelier, kinder me that my husband, children, parents and siblings got. It meant I gave all of my good energy away and had none of the best left for my family. It meant that although I constantly wore a smile for the outside world, inside I was so numb and hurt I didn't even know how to feel true emotion. Two face. That's what it was. Living a different life than I felt...unauthentic." And certainly those things are true, and certainly I have found HUGE value in those truths.
So...in a conversation with my brother (whom I treasure beyond words), I pointed out to him the definition of his 'con man' name. In order to be helpful, and let him know I acknowledged my own special 'two face' name...I also looked up the definition. Interesting that a full year has gone by and I (lover of linguistics) that I am - have never looked this up.
Two face = double sided, hypocritical. BLECH! That's funny, I thought...hmmm...different value in that for me. As I subbed this week, there was a situation that hurt my heart on many levels and I felt helpless and frustrated. As a result of these feelings, I did something abhorrent (in my view). When the door was opened, I chose to tell a few of the wrong people all about my hurt feelings. They weren't 'wrong' people because they weren't trustworthy or friends, they were 'wrong' because they were NOT the person who hurt me. And I realized I could've either kept my mouth shut at school and shared at home, I could've journaled my feelings, I could have (novel idea!) gone to the person I felt wounded me and spoken to them directly. In doing that I may have not guaranteed a happy and safe outcome but I would've used my voice in a healthy way. I would've lived out being brave and worthy. I would have not been playing both sides. I would've not been a hypocrite (because I cannot stand gossip and untruths). I chose to play both sides. I chose to participate in what I despise. I chose two face and I wore it well. This is the unpleasant truth of the matter.
I do believe we are given opportunities for growth every single day, and I will take this lesson to heart. I can't go back but I can move forward and do different. Yay for second (and third up to a billion) new chances!
This morning my husband and a dear friend are working hard getting a room ready for our wood floors to go down. My sweet children and I are in our bedroom watching Brave in our pj's. Well...they are watching Brave - it's part of my background noise as I write. It's finally fall weather and fall weather makes my soul sing. I drink my yummy Heath creamer decorated coffee out of my fancy 'S' cup from my beautiful friend Darla and I breathe in this moment of peace. Knowing full well that in the next moment I may be clinging to that peace with every fiber of my being and knowing again that I must stay in this moment...revel in it. For as the cliché goes...this moment is all we have. Somehow feeling and understanding that brings me a calm. No need to rush forward, no need to go backwards, only an ache to stay right here, right now.