So unsettled today, yet still feeling peaceful overall. Not sure how that's possible but I'm going to take it as is. Maybe my unsettled is just what I need to set myself in motion and move forward. A huge thing I must do today is pay bills. One would think that this would'vebeen my priority but I believe if I make me a priority and write first I will do the 'necessities' with a clearer head and more focused heart. I had a billion things to write about and as I sit here I am having trouble narrowing down exactly what it is that I need to say. In the fashion of the trust and surrender I so desperately seek, I'm asking God for a little calm and direction and we'll see what comes.
Alright then. BREATHE. BREATHE. IN. GOD'S. PRESENCE. BREATHE.
I love my new job, LOVE it! Love my boss, love my desk mate and my new and old friends there, love that I get to serve, minister and be ministered to. I love that I get to meet many angels unaware and share joy and sorrows with others....and I LOVE the Keurig. I can't believe I've only been there for a month because I feel incredibly comfortable in it (not cocky, comfortable). I feel so excited for upcoming trainings and for meeting new people and for connecting with the hearts at my workplace as well as the families I am building relationships with. I feel a purpose there and it's a really good feeling. I struggled with going back to work full time. I believed that if I stayed 'safe' in my little world and was in control of as much as I could control, I would be guaranteed health and calm. Did I really and truly believe that? Probably not. But hey...we all like a little illusion of control now and then, right?
I am trying hard to be self disciplined and find balance. Laying out clothes for the week on Sundays, planning meals, taking family time and me time....this is my challenge. In addition, making sure I am staying connected with my Nathan, our Stella and John, my Mom and Dad and my sisters, my brother, my nieces, my nephews, my friends......yadayadayada. And I was doing so well at eating well and guess what happened. Somewhere around last week my self control got lost in the blink of an eye and boom, here I am again! (Here I am mad at me for choices made and determined to not let those choices determine my new moments...determined but not so confident)
Which brings me to something I read this week that pinged my heart in such a big way I knew I'd be sharing about it soon. Here it is..."It's not who you think you are that holds you back, it's who you think you are not." It immediately brought to light the ways I am still living 'two faced' and not completely in God's light. For every thought I have of who I am, I have a contradictory who I am not (and usually a why that goes with it.)
The Truth...I am wise, I AM constantly learning and constantly teaching. I am valuable and significant.
The Lie... If I share my wisdom or knowledge I run the risk of seeming know it all-ish. I often do not consider my thoughts valuable enough to share. I AM NOT worthy nor significant.
The Truth...Life is erratic. Life is beautiful and joyful and also sad at times. I AM healthy and capable of taking care of myself. With God, we will make beauty out of ashes.
The Lie...I AM NOT meant to be fit.. I can stay cocooned and guarantee my health and security. The world does not need me and I'm so stressed I can't be expected to consistently make good choices. I am NOT meant to be a 'fit' looking person nor a physically healthy person.
The Truth...I AM capable of creating and sticking to a family budget to help us realize our family dreams and life plans.
The Lie...Credit cards (enough said), wants are the same as needs, planning takes too much time and it will all work out (on it's own) I AM NOT ever going to be wealthy, so why make money a priority?
You see? The list goes on for days. Starting now, in this moment, I am going to begin to retrain my brain and heart to be who God made me to be.
I AM a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical, whole and surrendered woman basking in the warmth of God's sunshine. This is me, at my core. This is who God made me to be. I will remember to live as I believe I AM and not as I am not. I will live in the belief hat He has made me to be a new creation in him and I will soak that in. Who are you and who are you not? What is holding you back and what can you do different?
Whew! Now I can go pay those stinkin' bills.....