Life is a journey, not a destination....and lately it has been a tough sort of journey. I am looking for the rainbows every day, because they are there. I am also acknowledging the fears, the hurts, the sorrows and the pain. I must, for if I did not recognize those things how would I know that the rainbow is truly a rainbow?
I went for my every 6 month cardiology appointment on Monday. Strange and new adventure for me amongst the familiar. I did not have the crazy anxiety I have always had weeks before, at least not in the forefront. I had a 'flat' sort of mood the days before, kind of a drawn into myself fussy mood. That probably wasn't any better than the familiar anxiety but I honestly am trying to be at a peaceful place. Maybe I've come to realize God really does have this (my life) and I can let go. The BUT is once I realize this as my truth, I attempt to take control of something other than my own life. Ahhh....growth is only hard, right?
I laid on that cold table for my EKG and considered how although times have changed they are still the same. There is no scrubbing of the skin with sandpaper and there are no huge amounts of goo that linger on your skin for days after. The EKG takes only minutes. There is no huge machine brought in the room where I can hear the reading of my heart rhythms going on, there is a little laptop that neatly prints out little paper with my big results. There is the uber quiet technician that I have never met before and try desperately to engage in conversation as invades my personal space with her many little sticky patches on my body. There is the recognition of the always cold table I am laying still on. There is the intense self awareness of my own invincibility as I lay quietly, so not in control of my surroundings or outcome.
My favorite are (not) the niceties as the Dr. comes in and asks the routine questions that make my tummy cringe and my skin crawl. Any shortness of breath? Any chest pain? Fainting spells? Dizziness? Swelling? No, no, no, no and no!
But hey Dr.....my house is in crazy chaos and we are about to go through arbitration with the company we have been struggling with for nearly a year. And, hey Dr., Alzheimer's is invading every inch of my Daddy and I am losing him. Also Dr., my Momma is so sad and so strong and I hate that I really can do nothing to stop her pain and bring my Daddy back and make my Granny well. Oh, and I think I have gained a lot of weight and I can't seem to focus on accomplishing anything fully at home and I say horribly ugly things to myself when I look in the mirror. So, dear Dr......can you hear me screaming inside? Oh...no? I didn't think so. Okay...we'll just stick to the subject at hand and I will walk out of here feeling as exhausted as I am and we'll call it good.
I know someone will wonder (or at least I would) so I'm going to throw this in. My heart healthy looks great. There are no changes in the EKG and my Dr. (truly a wonderful cardiologist) says that after my visit in the fall we will probably go back to annual visits rather than bi annual. Lastly, he didn't see the need to do any of the tests I HATE right now (although I am thankful for the knowledge they provide). Dr. says that we can go back to only doing those every 2 or three years. For all of these things, I am beyond grateful. I have to promise to call if anything feels weird of course, and I promised. I am the queen of feeling weird, but I think I understand what he means.
Okay...so what did I leave the dr. office with? Lots of gratitude for a good report and lots of praise for my God. Lots of sorrow for my parents and still grieving for what was and what 'should've/could've' been. Betrayed feelings over our house situation and of course, a good dose of shame and self hatred for how I've let myself go.
The rainbows....A great report from the Dr.! (although my first great report was the lack of huge anxiety and the peace about going...no it was not 100% but it was very different for me). I have my Mom and I have my Dad; I have their love for me and my love for them. My husband and my children....it is a hard time in our marriage, stress abounds. However, the love I feel in my little family pushes and pulls me through this life. Friends, nephews, nieces, furry friends, a HOME that cannot be taken by anyone b/c it is in our hearts, shelter, food, clothing, a career I really do enjoy, my garden, the hum of the fan, being not hurt in a car wreck this week (no one was hurt = thankfulness), my nephew Ethan gets to go SKY DIVING today, and the list goes on.
My heart aches. My heart rejoices. Ebbs and flows. This is life. Thankfulness in the happy, gratitude in the sorrow and we keep on going..................
Find your rainbows and hang on tight.