Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Little girl lost

Vulnerable.  Raw.  Intentional.  Real.  Clarified.  Pure.  Inspirational.  Life giving.  Joyful.  Feeling.  Truthful.  Peaceful.  Confident.  Radiant.  Glory giving.  Loving.  Gracious.  Thankful.  Delightful.

These are some of the things I long to be.  I long to live out of my heart and I yearn to be recognized as different and beautiful in my uniqueness. 

I adore sunflowers, zinnias, peonies, wild flowers....they are just little God kisses to me.  The colors, shapes, the way they open to greet the morning sun and the way they hang their sweet heads for a rest when then sun goes down....lessons in the flowers.  God's artwork.  I love them so. I want to learn myself every bit as much.  I want to see the good, deep and soulful beauty in me and I want to bring a smile to my own face the way the sunflowers do.  Mostly right now, I look in the mirror and I hate what I see on the outside.  I know the inside of me is growing and stretching and it's a painful time.  .  I want to be congruent with who God created me to be.  I want to go deep with him and jump into his arms with open heart and NO abandon.  Wild and free, moving with the wind that is God.  Leaning into the storms and standing tall in the sun.

God keeps on bringing us lessons until we get it....that's what I believe anyway.  Not to be mean, not to taunt us - rather to prepare us for the next level.  The beautiful sunflower stands noble in the light.  It stands taller than me and shows off it's many yellow hues with the soft brown of the seeds contrasting in extraordinary ways.  I remember the day John, Stella and I planted those little bitty seeds in the garden boxes Nathan and Ethan built us.  I was so excited to see what would come of them, I had no idea they would be so glorious.  I hope God sees his glory when he sees me.  Actually, I believe he does.  I just want to see the same and kind of I want the world to see the same.  I want to stand tall.  I want to write.  I want to touch people's hearts through my writing.  I dream of being a published writer.  I journal.  I blog.  These are my seeds.  I look in the mirror and even when I see ugly, I recognize there is a light hiding in my eyes and I cherish that....another seed.  Tonight I was still.enough.to.know.that.He.is.God.  And in that place my little girl me and I reconnected.  She's special.  I'm special.  So many times in this big ole' world I lose sight of her - but always she is here waiting for me to love her.  To love her Now.  In spite of what is or what is not.  That's my recurring theme.  Learning to love myself.

I read this yesterday..."Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is he bravest thing that we will ever do."  -  Brene Brown, 'Gifts of Imperfection'  I thought I owned my story but I'm wondering how much of my story owns me?  Loving myself though the process of owning my story....that is what I am committed to learning to do.  After all, I am a brave, worthy, loved by God, truly happy, whimsical, whole and surrendered woman basking in the warmth of God's sunshine and an engaged and trusting Momma.  I have bought into the lie again that when life is so painful as it sometimes is, I am no longer that person.  I will learn to love myself as God loves me...through the process.  Little girl me will not forever be lost.

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