Shuffling through

Sitting at my Momma's computer. Daddy is upstairs, wandering - finding out which part of this old house is warmest.  Momma is in the hospital getting her new friend, 'a-fib', straightened out.  I drink macadamia cookie coffee made with Momma's fancy Keurig that I love.  I have Daddy's cooled hot chocolate waiting for him when he decides to come sit down....after he has investigated all of the vents he can find.  Lights go on and lights go off as he searches through the rooms.   This morning is remnicent of when my children were truly littles and my quiet time was bought up with nursing, snuggles, sometimes hot tears, sweet giggles, strips of toast, sticky faces and sticky oatmeal.  I would not trade those 'quiet times' for anything.  This morning I have sold out my quiet time to hear lessons from my Daddy on  where the heating pipes are located in the house and where the warmest spots in the house are on bear feet.  I would not trade these 'quiet times' for anything either.

Times are a changing.  Always.  But now I can feel it in my bones, I can see it on the horizon.  In a way I am so excited to see how God reveals what 'restoration' means in my life.  I am also terrified.  My dreams may not be where my life goes.  There may be bigger and better things than I ever thought possible if I am able to truly surrender my forecast, lean back into God's arms and see what happens.  Being still, going only where I feel led.  I wonder how that will feel. I imagine that the pain I am going through right now, though deep and horrendous, might very well be what leads me out of the lost hope forest and into the freedom I've only had glimpses of before.  I still long for that freedom in my heart. It is that longing that seems to reverberate with what restoration looks like.

I am excited.  I am terrified.  I am going to continue to thank God in each and every circumstance and trust that he is leading me into the wide open....safely in his arms.

Someday I believe I will truly be able to stand in the gap and pray for those who have harmed my heart.  Right now I am simply going to feel what I feel, and explain to my sweet Daddy that Momma is in St. Francis, not the State Penitentary.

I AM A BRAVE, WORTHY, LOVED BY GOD, TRULY HAPPY, WHIMSICAL WOMAN WHO IS WHOLE AND SURRENDERED AND BASKING IN THE WARMTH OF GOD'S SUNSHINE....AND I AM AN ENGAGED AND TRUSTING MOMMA WITH THE HEART OF A CHILD.

Thank you dear Lord for protecting this heart of mine.  Thank you for leading me out of this lost and desolate place and back into your warmth.  Thank you for dying for me.  I am that worthy.  That knowledge is perspective changing. I am not responsible for the poor decisions made by others, and when my heart aches you are holding me and reminding me I am whole.  Thank you.  Thank you for catching the tears that come out of the blue, unstoppable.  They are a part of my healing but I am feeling dehydrated.  Thank you for my sisters, my brothers, my heart friends and family you send to give me wisdom, hug me, pray with me and hold me in the dark.
I also ask protection for the hearts of my babies and of my husband.  Let every bit of darkness come to light so that true healing may begin.  Help me not ask why? but to just follow you.

Thankful in all circumstances, even when they suck. Thankful for you God.  Thankful for my faith.  Thankful for your love.  Thankful for my babies and thankful that you give me all that I need right when I need it.  Thankful that I am right where I need to be, even if I don't know why.  Thank you for my story.

Amen.