Thursday, July 5, 2012

Choosing differently, choosing forgiveness

Tonight I feel a little blue.  I have really had to take a truthful inventory of myself this week to try to decipher what the current contents of my heart are.  Sadly, everything contained there is not beautiful and is is really sometimes so HARD to honestly look at the unpretty.  Again, I am reminded that my intrinsic worth is not in any outside source, not in myself and only in my God.  It seems to be my natural inclination to believe the way I am feeling is dependent on someone else's actions or inaction when in reality, this is the exact opposite of what is true.  My feelings, my thoughts, my actions are totally independent of other people's responses, reactions and outcomes.  This is a hard pill to swallow.  It makes me see, yet again, that I am not in control.  period.  But God is and although that should be a great comfort, I often insist on fully exhausting myself asking why? how? when? why? how? when? before I am willing to relinquish any sense of control and surrender.  And surrender is my lifelong goal.  My daily choice and sometimes my daily struggle.  I feel so wounded and I do not want to repeat the past by bandaging the wound (covering it up) and moving on; yet I am beginning to understand that some things and some people simply do not get my energy and so I must forgive and heal my heart and let theirs go.  It's a choice, right?

Today, my sweet son John made an odd request.  He asked to go see Great Grandma and Great Grandpa's gravesite.  I didn't really want to do this today.  I've taken my kids before but they were to young to remember I guess.  The Grandparents aforementioned are John and Pauline Puroff.  If you read previous posts or know me well, you know these people are main characters in my the story of my life.  We did go.  Actually, I took a picture of my children standing near the headstone, where a sweet picture of my Grandma and Papa are colorfully and cheerfully presented.  Whew!  Always brings a rush of feelings.  This is the first time I have been there (they have been gone since 1992 and 1995) that I felt not one shred of anger and bitterness.  Rather, I felt the greatest pity for my Grandma.  She was sad.  She was angry and she was sick.  On the switchside, she gave me some beautiful gifts.  It feels good to really forgive.  I still wish things had been different, I guess.  I try not to wish that to much because my childhood gave me a tender and compassionate heart for others.  I may have been born with that, but it gives me comfort to believe it was deepened because of my experiences as a little girl.  I see that even thinking about her brings up a plethora of feelings but am happy to be choosing to release lots of the bad ones.  Understanding that forgiveness is not offering my acceptance and thanks for a childhood gone wrong; it is simply forgiving what was and letting it go because it is so very heavy to carry around.

Tomorrow, Nathan and I leave to TA for Pathways.  This is the program that has forever changed our lives and we are honored and feel led to give back what we have received.  Every trip I make there, every life I see changed, my trust in God gets stronger and stronger.  In no way do I feel He has something to 'prove' to me, it's just beautiful to see Him utilize us to be His hands and feet, or as my friend Darla says..."Jesus with skin on".

Tonight, I have some serious business to talk to God about.  I am sometimes afraid to ask, because I know he's listening and have to question if I really want what I am asking and believing for.  So, my prayer tonight....

Heavenly Father, I am a leaning quite a lot toward hurt feelings, dwelling on broken relationships and giving much energy to how deeply my heart aches.  God, I am asking you to help me see barriers that are keeping me from drawing closer to you.  Would you please help me understand and really know that I am not in control of other's actions and help me release the brokenness to you so that I can truly heal?  And God, please hold in the palm of your hand my loved ones as well as the ones I struggle with.  Help me see there is a reason for the struggle, help me open the eyes of my heart.  I desperately want to step into what you have for me this weekend so that those I am around can see and feel you clearly.  I am thankful for this opportunity and for the healing it continues to bring to my heart, I am thankful for the closeness that Nathan and I share in this common goal and for the hearts of service you have given us.  Please be with our babies, family and friends this weekend. Bless this time for each of us. I am thankful again to get to be a part of your work.  I want to trust you wholeheartedly and I struggle with that often. I want to surrender my life to you and step without question into what you have laid out for me, but I need your help.  I am weak alone.  Help me remember that surrendering to you does not break me like I understand broken but makes me whole like nothing else can. Thank you a billion times over for my blessings.  Thank you for this life.  I love you.  In Jesus name I pray, your baby girl....your princess sarah

Be blessed my friends.   

"You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb.  I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.
Psalm 139:13-14

Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You I do trust, cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul to You.
Psalm 143:8

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