Tonight I feel a little blue. I have really
had to take a truthful inventory of myself this week to try to decipher
what the current contents of my heart are. Sadly, everything contained
there is not beautiful and is is really sometimes so HARD to honestly
look at the unpretty. Again, I am reminded that my intrinsic worth is
not in any outside source, not in myself and only in my God. It seems
to be my natural inclination to believe the way I am feeling is
dependent on someone else's actions or inaction when in reality, this is
the exact opposite of what is true. My feelings, my thoughts, my
actions are totally independent of other people's responses, reactions
and outcomes. This is a hard pill to swallow. It makes me see, yet
again, that I am not in control. period. But God is and although that
should be a great comfort, I often insist on fully exhausting myself
asking why? how? when? why? how? when? before I am willing to relinquish
any sense of control and surrender. And surrender is my lifelong
goal. My daily choice and sometimes my daily struggle. I feel so
wounded and I do not want to repeat the past by bandaging the wound
(covering it up) and moving on; yet I am beginning to understand that
some things and some people simply do not get my energy and so I must
forgive and heal my heart and let theirs go. It's a choice, right?
Today,
my sweet son John made an odd request. He asked to go see Great
Grandma and Great Grandpa's gravesite. I didn't really want to do this
today. I've taken my kids before but they were to young to remember I
guess. The Grandparents aforementioned are John and Pauline Puroff. If
you read previous posts or know me well, you know these people are main
characters in my the story of my life. We did go. Actually, I took a
picture of my children standing near the headstone, where a sweet
picture of my Grandma and Papa are colorfully and cheerfully presented.
Whew! Always brings a rush of feelings. This is the first time I have
been there (they have been gone since 1992 and 1995) that I felt not
one shred of anger and bitterness. Rather, I felt the greatest pity for
my Grandma. She was sad. She was angry and she was sick. On the
switchside, she gave me some beautiful gifts. It feels good to really
forgive. I still wish things had been different, I guess. I try not to
wish that to much because my childhood gave me a tender and
compassionate heart for others. I may have been born with that, but it
gives me comfort to believe it was deepened because of my experiences as
a little girl. I see that even thinking about her brings up a plethora
of feelings but am happy to be choosing to release lots of the bad
ones. Understanding that forgiveness is not offering my acceptance and
thanks for a childhood gone wrong; it is simply forgiving what was and
letting it go because it is so very heavy to carry around.
Tomorrow,
Nathan and I leave to TA for Pathways. This is the program that has
forever changed our lives and we are honored and feel led to give back
what we have received. Every trip I make there, every life I see
changed, my trust in God gets stronger and stronger. In no way do I
feel He has something to 'prove' to me, it's just beautiful to see Him
utilize us to be His hands and feet, or as my friend Darla says..."Jesus
with skin on".
Tonight,
I have some serious business to talk to God about. I am sometimes
afraid to ask, because I know he's listening and have to question if I
really want what I am asking and believing for. So, my prayer
tonight....
Heavenly
Father, I am a leaning quite a lot toward hurt feelings, dwelling on
broken relationships and giving much energy to how deeply my heart
aches. God, I am asking you to help me see barriers that are keeping me
from drawing closer to you. Would you please help me understand and
really know that I am not in control of other's actions and help me
release the brokenness to you so that I can truly heal? And God, please
hold in the palm of your hand my loved ones as well as the ones I
struggle with. Help me see there is a reason for the struggle, help me
open the eyes of my heart. I desperately want to step into what you
have for me this weekend so that those I am around can see and feel you
clearly. I am thankful for this opportunity and for the healing it
continues to bring to my heart, I am thankful for the closeness that
Nathan and I share in this common goal and for the hearts of service you
have given us. Please be with our babies, family and friends this
weekend. Bless this time for each of us. I am thankful again to get to
be a part of your work. I want to trust you wholeheartedly and I
struggle with that often. I want to surrender my life to you and step
without question into what you have laid out for me, but I need your
help. I am weak alone. Help me remember that surrendering to you does
not break me like I understand broken but makes me whole like nothing
else can. Thank you a billion times over for my blessings. Thank you
for this life. I love you. In Jesus name I pray, your baby
girl....your princess sarah
Be blessed my friends.
"You
formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will
praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your
works, and that my soul knows very well.
Psalm 139:13-14
Cause
me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You I do trust,
cause me to know the way in which I should walk, for I lift up my soul
to You.
Psalm 143:8
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