Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in
you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Psalm 143:8
I shared this verse with a friend last night as my prayer to her for today, and it has ended up being my own prayer. I woke up heavy hearted. You know that feeling when you wake up all happy because it's a new day and then it hits you...the memory of something not right in your current life that is weighing heavily on you. That's what I first felt. Then this verse popped into my heart and I'm so thankful for that.
I walked this morning for an hour and a half. I have skipped out on walking for over a month 'because of the heat' (or so I say). A few moments into my walk, I bumped into my Dad who was having his morning walk. He's wearing sandals because his tennis shoes hurt his big toe. I hate that he's wearing sandals because they seem to make his shuffly kind of gate even more pronounced. The open toe on them is not good for his walking, kind of trips him up. So I decided to join him for his walk. For about thirty minutes we walked and I listened to him talk of things that irritate him; of my Mom's delicious cooking and her need to have a hip replaced; of his idea to put awning all around the house and of course...I listened to the latest tractor/lawn mower stories and we talked about my van and Nathan's truck and how they were holding up. I held his hand for a bit as we walked along the street. I love my Daddy's big, strong, callused man hands. I used to love driving his work truck because his steering wheel smelled like his hands...a combination of cologne and grease from changing peoples tires and messing with their engines. It's odd to be holding his hand in a form of protection when he has always been the one to hold my hand and offer the protection. I love my Daddy and I hate that he is fading away. I got to walk him home and hug my Momma and tell her about my hurt heart. There is nothing like telling my Momma, no matter how old I am - she is all safety and comfort to me. She is my heart and I am desperately sad that I can do nothing to better what is her reality right now.
For the latter half of my walk I had a beautiful conversation with a beloved friend. I heard her say some things to me and I had to remind myself that they weren't judgements, just her input. I was thankful for her feedback, it's given me food for thought so I have much to ponder and pray about. She is a wise friend, an imperfect friend and a safe friend. I love that she cares enough to hear my heart and trusts me enough to share her own heart.
We talked about my blogging and I guess some people take it personally. I knew when I decided to write honestly from my heart that I was setting myself up to be judged. Considering the gift of healing my writing brings to me, and to a few others -- I have decided to trust the process. I will continue to write from my heart and know God will send the people who will find value in it, and also those who will contribute value to me. So for now, if it's the way it is....I am okay to be Noah in the desert, as was so eloquently put.
After this, I recieved a call from another friend. Another beautiful conversation, very similar to the first, though a little harder and a lot more tearful on my part. Again I got to share my heart, hear her heart and gain much insight and value. Again I was given things to weigh and choose to take into my heart as truth or let go as loving thoughts to grow from. I'm taking both options this time.
I am in a place of feeling convicted of so many wrongdoings in my past but also in a position of seeing some things I have done really well...and some in between. Not one cancels another out. I am growing and risking and learning and I trying to implement. I don't like to be judged, I see that I clearly have been judged. I don't like to be criticized in a mean spirited way, and I have been. I don't like when I become feisty and insolent and indignant, I have done that. I don't like when I hide and mistrust and let fear rule, I have done that.
And all of it is okay, because I am learning to be different. I wish to threaten or hurt no one with my life, I wish to live well and as my friend Darla says, 'like Jesus with skin on.' Sometimes I fail an attempt, as I am human - I am not Jesus. I am going to keep running the race with my head held high; for in the end only He and I know my heart and this is the one truth that will reside with me.
Blessings on this Friday.