Thursday, July 26, 2012

Where am I?

This has been a wacky week.  Tonight my heart feels broken and I want to crawl in the covers with my babies and not write.  Not write about the things that have caused my brokenness, because seeing it here makes things too real. 

Above all, I want to continue down the road of healing.  God is making me a new creation and I understand that I have to lean into life and embrace all of it, even the pain.  To me, this is part of trusting God. 

I mentioned previously that I had some hard conversations to be had.  I felt God wanted me to be brave and to accept.  I knew this meant stepping into the arena with hard and hurt and giving all I had to give despite the outcome.  And I know that the part of accept means to grieve or rejoice; let go or hang on.  I knew I had none of the answers and all of the anxiety that comes with not knowing.  I knew the pain of knowing I was not trusting God and being brave was another version of letting fear run my life and I knew I was ready to do different.  And so I began with  a prayer, and another prayer, and another prayer. 

I had the first conversation.  It was anything but pleasant.  I don't honestly know if things are 'better', they might be worse before they get better.  I do know that God has us both in his hands and I'm going to all I have to give to this relationship in a brave and accepting way.  I love my friend, regardless of what comes. 

The other person I had hoped to converse with opted to not have the conversation.  I already feel betrayed in this relationship, and to hear her lack of desire to talk was all it took for me to become a temporary heap of tears.  Listening to old tapes....I'm not worth the effort.  After some serious boohooing, I began to pray.  Even now as I write, I hurt and I cry but I know that tonight when I fall back into bed I will be falling into God's arms.  I know I am being held by him right now and I can softly hear the whisper in my soul.  I feel like God is saying, 'baby girl, you were brave; now accept.'  I'm trying God, can you help me? 

A lovely friend commented on my previous post.  Her words have been beautiful music to my hurting spirit.  I am reminded by her that others can only give me what they have to give and that it is okay for me to let go and walk away stronger than I was before.  It is hard for me to let go without resolution, but I'm receiving training in this like never before.

I guess here is the true test.  I stepped in and went where my heart led me.  One result was good but could be better, the conversation that didn't happen hurt the worst.  I trusted God and stepped in.  I was a brave because he makes me brave.  Now that I see I have not been able to find peace in a conversation, I am left to ask God for that peace.  I must accept that it does not come from a person.  I hurt.  God didn't ever promise me I would not hurt.  But he's here.  He loves me and tonight I will ask him for the peace only he can give. 

A friend called conversations with God a God dyad.  I loved that.  I am so loved and I love deeply. 
My precious Lord, Thank you God for hearing my heart, I am hurting horribly but in my hurt I feel you.  Someone accused me of being a fraud, of not living out what I write about.  That stung.  I thought deeply about it.  It's not a truth about my heart, I know that for sure.  God, I am a far cry from perfection, I am only me.  I feel changes in me and I know you are making me new.  Help me continue to be patient with myself and with others. Help me to grow in your image.  I am so blessed.  I look at my sleeping angels, I think of the work my husband is blessed to be doing right now.  My nieces and nephews, siblings, parents and extended family, my friends, the love you surround me with and the life you give me....I AM BLESSED.  Would you please watch closely over my Daddy as his dementia steals more of his mind and please protect my precious Momma who is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.   I am a little afraid, I could not make this without you in my life.   God help me to continue being brave and help me to accept...for I only have the snapshot and you have the panoramic view.  Amen.

God did this so that, but two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged.  We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.  It enters the sanctuary behind the curtains.  Hebrews 6:18-19

There is no fear in love (dread does not exist), but full grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror!  For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and (so) he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love (is not yet grown into love's complete perfection.)  1 John 4:18

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